“Only a ninja can destroy a ninja.”

Drake’s rating: Possibly the most Cannon movie in the history of ever

Drake’s review: It was with some trepidation that I approached this review. Not because of the movie itself, of course, but because this is my 200th review for Mutant Reviewers and I wanted to review a cult flick that stood out just a bit from the crowd. And for that, my mind drifted immediately to that most Mutantesque of movie studios, the sadly gone but never forgotten Cannon Films.

Now, Cannon Films made a lot of movies back in the day. In fact, in 1984 alone they produced 17 films, which was not bad at all for a smaller studio. There were action flicks, mysteries, and arthouse passion projects among their slate that year, as well as movies focusing on breakdancing, Bo Derek, and the Brooklyn Bridge.

And one with Brooke Shields as well, just to add to Cannon’s list of B-centric B-movies.

Among those releases was also the third entry into Cannon’s series of ninja films starring Sho Kosugi. The Japanese martial arts expert had made a few film appearances, but it was his starring role in 1981’s Enter the Ninja which truly launched his movie career. Ninjas were just starting to make a pop culture impact in the United States, with Eric Van Lustbader’s novel “The Ninja” becoming a New York Times best seller the year before, and Cannon was quick to capitalize on the phenomenon. The first movie was a major success for the small studio, and Revenge of the Ninja followed two years later and proved that the audience for ninja flicks was still alive and kicking.

So Cannon head honcho Menahem Golan swung for the fences a third time, green-lighting a ninja flick that mashed together The Exorcist and Flashdance, stuck that unholy concoction in a blender with Kosugi and new Cannon find Lucinda Dickey (Breakin’ and its oft-cited sequel, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo) and poured all of that into theaters across the nation under the title Ninja III: The Domination.

Now while none of the ninja movies from Cannon were truly related in any way, with Kosugi playing different characters in each one, the third film in the series kind of slips the leash and happily romps around 1984 like an overly excited puppy on his first trip to the dog park. This flick is all over the place.

The action kicks off on a golf course, where some guy with a bunch of bodyguards is getting in a bit of leisure time. Who is he? I have no idea, and neither will you. It’s brought up at some point in the movie that he was a scientist, but that plot line is a dead end. No, what matters here is that there’s a ninja stalking the guy, and he’s not looking for a partner to sink nine holes with. In fact, the ninja kills the bodyguards, stops the man from fleeing in a golf cart by holding up the rear end of the cart with one hand, and then murders both him and his wife before attempting to flee.

That escape is thwarted by pretty much all of the local constabulary, as police cars, motorcycles and even a helicopter give chase. This ninja (in reality, stunt coordinator Steven Lambert) isn’t the type to just give up and go to jail, however. Instead, he takes on the cops as well, extending his ninja murder spree and adding another dozen or so victims to his personal score. He kicks, punches, and stabs his way through everyone, including the helicopter pilot, before a dozen heavily-armed cops finally fill him full of holes.

Even that doesn’t quite do our resident ninja in, though, and he escapes with the aid of a smoke bomb, then staggers along through the desert until coming across telephone linewoman Christie (Dickey). He gives her his sword and then finally dies.

Or does he?

Because it seems that this ninja is a master of the mystic arts as well as the more traditional martial ones, and his spirit has possessed Christie. Or at least, it will a scene or two later, complete with a laser light show emanating from a 1980s video arcade game. This might not seem so bad at first, since Christie quickly uses her ninja spirit powers to beat up local thugs. But soon Christie is spending her off hours juggling her normal aerobics routine with seeking unholy revenge upon the policemen who killed the ninja, which is extra awkward because her new boyfriend is a cop himself.

If this goes on for too long, dinner time conversations are going to be rough.

Ninja III: The Domination is an unhinged spectacle that sees the possessed Christie* go on a rampage, taking on scads of cops after a failed exorcism before finally coming face to face with Sho Kosugi, a one-eyed ninja who’s made the trip to the States to track down his old nemesis who just so happens to be the spirit inhabiting Christie’s body. And when it comes down to live ninja versus dead ninja, you know it’s going to be a fight to the finish!

Sho Kosugi is unfortunately absent for much of Ninja III. He was not a fan of a woman playing a ninja, an idea that Golan was dead-set on, and in the wake of a contract dispute soon after he departed Cannon. Still, the action here is Cannon at its best. Ninja-related carnage is rampant, of course, but I’m not sure you’ve really experienced the weirdness that Cannon could offer until you’ve seen a possessed Christie spinning round and round like an out of control Ferris wheel while in the midst of an exorcism gone wrong.

Ninja III: The Domination did well for Cannon, but wasn’t the success the previous two films were. The elements that make up the movie are just too disparate, although that “and the kitchen sink, too” attitude really makes it stand out from its somewhat more traditional predecessors. But that’s also what makes this one the most Cannon film of the trilogy. Whether you’ve never seen a Cannon flick before, or if you’ve seen dozens upon dozens of them, Ninja III: The Domination is one you’ll never forget.

And that’s a Mutant Reviewers guarantee.**

*Again, stunt doubled by Lambert.

**Void where prohibited by the Great Mutant Overlord.

Justin’s rating: I will never look at V8 juice the same way again

Justin’s review: Friends, I’ve seen a lot of crazy ninja movies. I’ve witnessed the glory that is Gymkata, I’ve journeyed through the American Ninja saga, and I’ve gotten down with the ninja rap in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II. But I’ve never felt worthy to tackle the most infamous of them all, the one flick by which all other ninja movies are judged until now.

Welcome to Ninja III: The Domination, a movie that gives us all permission to skip the first two flicks and dive right into the deep end of turbulent insanity. Because if you can’t cut loose and get wild with the third film in your martial arts series, what are you even doing this for?

This is my favorite kind of bad movie, the kind that’s very good at being very crazy. Kicking off with a ninja assaulting a guy and his many bodyguards on a golf course while pulling off statistically unlikely moves — such as blowing a dart into the barrel of a revolver to make it explode — had me bouncing with anticipation. Then he stabs a police car to death (yes, the car) and hops into a helicopter to murder everyone there and racked up a kill count of about 27 people before he goes down in a hail of bullets — three times, no less — and uses a smoke bomb to disappear.

Oh, this was gonna be amazing.

After this 13-minute rampage, the dying ninja — whom I started to suspect may be evil — possesses the body of a telephone line repairman named Christie (Lucinda Dickey) who just so happens to be strong in ESP. Hey, it was the ’80s, we were convinced that everyone had ESP of some kind. It was trendy like Trivial Pursuit and Tupperware.

Anyway, don’t feel too sorry for Christie, as she gets a pretty sweet floaty sword out of the deal, not to mention expert ninja training that she uses to dispatch jerks and randos alike. Her entire apartment is also possessed, somehow. The mixture of outlandish demonic possession and an apartment that randomly turned itself into a twisted, chittering Peewee’s Playhouse gave me serious Evil Dead 2 vibes at points. I was not expecting that, but it was welcome all the same.

So Christie starts murdering people while she’s under the influence — of ninja, not drugs* — and taking breaks to do energetic aerobics and seduce a hairy cop with a messy can of V8 juice. Her only chance comes in the form of a good one-eyed ninja (Shô Kosugi) who shows up to help decipher all of this lunacy and get the bad ninja’s soul back to where it should be (a dead body). And then, of course, there’s a final showdown with a zombie ninja.

Cannon Films did not install any brakes on this film. It didn’t need them. It stepped on the gas from the very first minute and kept on going, even though there were warning signs and mass casualties as it barreled down the road. And we as cult fans wouldn’t have it any other way. This no-holds-barred ninja supernatural horror aerobic dance craze makes “cool times,” not logic or subtlety, its watchword, and more films would be better off adopting its attitude.

When this gets often lumped into “bad cinema,” understand that it’s not that this is a poorly made film. In fact, Ninja III is wonderfully watchable in its entirety and stocked with ’80s synth joy. It’s that this genre mish-mash is pure cheesy ridiculousness that cruises right past most people’s borders of believability and frolics in the domain of lethal absurdity.

Ninja III: The Domination is silly thing after silly thing, and if that’s the hit you’re looking for in film, you’ll find your fix here. It’s the absolute best and wackiest thing I’ve seen all year, and I wholeheartedly endorse it.

*And sometimes an evil arcade cabinet that shoots lasers. I swear I did not make that up.

Intermission!

• Apparently ninja assassins need like 53 pieces of weapons to take with them on a casual golf course killing
• Golf course ninja can crush a golf ball with his bare hand and blow a dart into the barrel of a shooting gun and lift up a moving golf cart and bend a golf club over his forearm
• Are ninjas super-strong? That’s not a piece of ninja lore I’m familiar with.
• Golf course ninja remembers to dress in green rather than the more traditional black. I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t go for plaid, or an ugly checker pattern.
• The ninja juked a police car. With moves like that, he could be a starting running back in the NFL.
• Golf course ninja riding and stabbing a police car is the best thing I’ve seen all week
• …or until he hops up into a helicopter
• Golf course ninja takes a whole lot of bullets and doesn’t go down. Guess he’s on God mode.
• Ninja can dig a hole for themselves very quickly if need be
• Oh man, I missed those massive ’80s boomboxes
• Bunny scare! It’s like a cat scare, but with long, floppy ears.
• She doesn’t “use” soft drinks. Lady, can I tell you about the sugar content in that can of V8 juice?
• Playing an arcade video game while wearing aerobics gear. SO ’80s! Most girls played arcade games wearing full leotard workout outfits (man, I miss leg warmers)
• Were local aerobic studio toughs a thing?
• Aerobic classes should be done in full view of a ton of sweaty guys perving out in the gym
• Doesn’t seem like a smart idea to sexually assault a woman in front of a huge crowd of people (and a cop!)… or against a woman possessed by a ninja
• This cop is the poster child for the “I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer” generation
• The famous V8 juice seduction scene. One thing is for certain, pouring V-8 juice on yourself in an attempt to be sexy was NOT a thing back then. Or today.
• Bouncer the video game got possessed too?
• Pool balls are quite easy to crush and slice in two
• Billy is a very hairy dude
• Cops often swagger through precincts with two giggling women on their arms
• Hot tub massacre! Anything to shut up these two ladies and their bizarre running commentary
• James Hong! What’s up, my friend!
• When your boyfriend knows the name of a good Japanese exorcist, maybe you should be a little suspicious about your boyfriend
• She crushed his ball! His pool ball, that is.
• And when your girlfriend grows horns and starts spitting acid, mayne you should expand your dating pool
• Belt buckle throwing star!
• Good ninja calling the morticians over and then conking their heads together gave me a genuine laugh
• Dance the possession away! Whoops, that did not work.
• Ghost ninja attack, with a brief interruption by an impromptu dance sequence.
• It’s a bold move to snipe cops at a cop funeral with a bow-and-arrow. And yet it works.
• How many batons does the average cop car have in its trunk? At least three.
• These are the least subtle ninja ever. It’s all “maximum casualties and property damage” with this group
• Always check a ninja’s eyepatch for bonus weapons
• Hey, an ancient ninja temple, just sitting there in the Southwest desert.
• About time we had a ninja tossing out magic fireballs
• I love the obstacle ropes course in this monastery
• Undead ninja! That’s a pretty tough combo to beat.
• The lead and her boyfriend watching the end ninja fight like they’re appreciating a good sunset made me chuckle a lot
• Sometimes ninjas like to use their bodies to drill holes into the earth and then cause earthquakes