“Heroes and fools are the same thing.”

Drake’s rating: Required watching if you’re a fan of pig men

Drake’s review: Robert E. Howard’s character Conan the Cimmerian has been pretty influential in a variety of mediums, to say the least.

In print, the barbarian had many imitators, such as John Jakes’ Brak the Barbarian, but Howard’s work also spawned more original creations such as Michael Moorcock’s Elric and Karl Edward Wagner’s Kane. In comic books, the success of Marvel’s Conan comic books in the 1970s saw titles like Claw the Unconquered, Ironjaw, and Red Sonja hit the stands in the hopes of capitalizing upon the Cimmerian’s success. And at the movies, 1982’s Conan the Barbarian unleashed a flood of sword & sorcery flicks from across the globe, each one looking for a little slice of the market that had been caved out by John Milius’s epic film.

Titles like Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Ironmaster, and The Sword and the Sorcerer* showed up at the theater and video rental store shelves, all promising the lure of mighty heroes saving beautiful maidens with one iron-thewed hand while battling evil magicians with the other.

And let’s face it, if there was a new genre that was attracting an audience, Roger Corman wasn’t going to be far behind. So it was that the legendary low-budget filmmaker scraped together a bit of cash and sent cast and crew down to Argentina to make a Conan rip-off that somehow ended up spawning a series of four sequels as well as a 2025 remake. Not bad for a guy whose job description is stalking death!

Although to be fair, Deathstalker (Rick Hill, Class of 1999 II: The Substitute) is evidently our hero’s name rather than his title. Still, with a name like that you’re going to be indulging in some serious hacking and slashing in a sword & sorcery setting, and Deathstalker seems up to the task. He happily chops up a bunch of cretins who are attempting to make off with a fair maiden, and then just as happily puts the moves on the maiden herself. A brief interruption sends her gratefully scurrying out of his clumsy embrace, however, and Deathstalker ruefully observes that it’s just not his day.

Right away Deathstalker leans into the humor that sets itself apart from many of its too-serious brethren. Deathstalker himself is a wry sort, with a dry wit and a touch of sarcasm. He’s not really interested in heroics, but he does recognize that being able to swing a sword and decapitate an opponent with a single blow just comes in handy at times. That kind of talent gets him onto the shortlist of a witch who needs him to find a special sword before it’s discovered by the evil sorcerer Munkar, who has recently deposed the local king and taken over his throne.

Munkar has also captured the king’s daughter, Codille (Barbi Benton, X-Ray), probably because he saw Thulsa Doom kidnap a princess and he just got jealous. Evil sorcerers are kind of petty.

Journeying to Munkar’s castle sees Deathstalker encountering Oghris, an adventurer who sports an armored half-shirt because this is 1983, and Kaira (Lana Clarkson, Barbarian Queen), a warrior-woman who wears nothing but a cape and a G-string because, again, it’s 1983. Still, both of them might be just a tad overdressed for a night at Munkar’s, which features drinking, debauchery and… mud wrestling.

Repeat after me, “It’s 1983!”

Granted, things might be extra rowdy at Munkar’s digs because a host of warriors are in town for a big tournament, but I’m thinking that every night at his castle is a pretty raucous affair. Munkar just doesn’t seem like the “lock myself in my tower to study” kind of sorcerer.

So everyone parties down, fights break out, a pig-man shows up and there’s a decent amount of both sorcery and swordplay before Deathstalker rescues the kingdom and Munkar meets his grisly fate. Although I’m pretty sure Princess Codille slips out the back before Deathstalker can try out his best pick-up lines. The guy is just not a ladies’ man.

Deathstalker is a surprisingly decent romp that embraces the most outrageous aspects of the sword & sorcery genre. Weighing in at a brisk 80 minutes, the movie paces itself well and keeps the action moving. The plot is tight, a necessity when the budget really won’t allow any extraneous activity, and Rick Hill is a solid lead who can play the action bits convincingly. More importantly, Hill also embraces the campy humor of the movie instead of struggling against it. He never tries to be overly serious, and instead almost gives the audience a knowing wink as he cavorts from scene to scene, fighting both man and beast.

And also the pig man, of course. Seriously, where did the pig man come from?

*Whose advertising campaign promised “Dungeons! And Dragons!” because the marketing team was clearly in touch with the popular trends of the early ‘80s.

Intermission!

• Is Deathstalker his real name? Did his parents know he was going to be a deadly swordsman? What if he’d become a sculptor or an accountant?
• Although, I would totally get my taxes done by Deathstalker the Accountant.
• Ugly guys bad. Pretty much a staple of the sword & sorcery genre.
• Face plant into a tree. I don’t think that guy made it.
• “Enough riddles, I’ll just take my chances with my sword.” Pretty much my response every time I do a crossword puzzle.
• So what are the rules here? Is this a single-elimination tournament? Do you have to sign a waiver to enter? And if so, what name did the pig man enter under?