“I have no fear, I came for a transfusion of blood.”

Justin’s rating: Dog bites man bites vamp

Justin’s review: As we all well know, space vampires are a dire galactic threat that not enough people take seriously these days. Maybe when human civilization gets its act together, we can eradicate this problem and move on to interstellar werewolves.

But until that glorious day, we must educate our neighbors with documentaries such as Not of This Earth. This is a Roger Corman-produced remake of a 1957 Roger Corman film that uses several clips from other Roger Corman scifi films. This explains how the director — not Roger Corman — was able to make this sub-average tale on a sub-$300,000 budget.

Probably the only thing of note here is that Not of This Earth stars former adult film actress Traci Lords after she tried to go legit. She then settled into a long career in B-movies and bit parts (fun fact: She can be spotted in both Virtuosity and Blade), as that was pretty much her acting ceiling.

Lords plays Nadine, a nurse who moves into the palatial home of Mr. Johnson, a mysterious man who wears sunglasses — even at night — and has a penchant for choking the help. As you might expect, Mr. Johnson is an alien sent from a dying world to study whether or not humans have acceptable blood to keep his race alive. If so, it’s going to take a whole conquest-and-pasteurization of the planet, but fortunately for us and the budget, this dude is still in the whole “exploratory” phase.

This gives Nadine and her cop boyfriend Harry enough time to grow suspicious and learn the hideous truth. That might be tough, because Johnson has mind powers and can suck the life force out of people if he gets irked. What shocked me is that we find out that this alien has a rather tragic backstory where his wife was killed right before he was sent out on this mission to save his species.

I did get a kick out of Johnson calling home on his closet TV and the guy who answers looks like he’s a pro wrestler with a bad bleach job. If that guy’s running the homeworld, maybe the place deserves to die.

Johnson also has a lunk-headed minion named Jeremy to do his menial chores. Jeremy might be my favorite character, as his actor gives an “A” performance for a “C” role thanks to his magnetic charisma. If there’s a reason you’re going to see this, see it for Jeremy.

This movie is a pile of unpretentious scifi schlock, and that’s exactly what it aims to be. Not of This Earth keeps nodding to much better and more prodigious B-movies without enough star power or budget muscle to become something better. Mostly, this story features the small cast walking around a big ol’ house, with the good guys gradually investigating the alien and the alien using his powers or gadgets to sinister effect.

Yet it’s kind of entertaining, as long as you lower your expectations. There’s some genuinely funny comedy peppered in here and there, especially with how blunt and literal Mr. Johnson tends to be. There are entire scenes full of nothing but double entendres, a cellar furnace that doubles as a crematorium, and a crazy lady with a deadly tennis racket. There’s also a lot of unnecessary nudity shoved into random scenes as distractions, which is kind of what I’d expect from the director of Chopping Mall.

Intermission!

• Not of This Earth was remade a SECOND time in 1995 with Michael York as the lead alien
• Really nice alien ship visuals in the opening scene — and a whole lot of other clips from Roger Corman’s other scifi flicks
• He’s so cool he wears his sunglasses inside
• Aliens do not like doctor buzzers
• Laurel and Hardy are doctors now?
• This alien’s really big on choking people
• “I will be dining… [organ chord] …out.”
• “I’m just dying to see it.” “You are not dying. I am dying.”
• Earth creatures are second-stage non-human
• So much mermaid flirt talk. So much.
• “No flip-flops.”
• Duke, the tennis racket. Don’t mess with him.
• “Thank you Jeremy, you may go.” [slams door in his face]
• “God, I hate cops who do Clint Eastwood impressions.”
• Mr Johnson is not impressed with dancers flouncing up on him
• “Your specimen arrived in a condensed state.”