“Hal, what do you think she’s gonna do? Hug you to her your chest and lick your ear and call you funky?”

Justin’s rating: Snow way I’m watching this a third time

Justin’s review: The only previous time I saw Snow Day was back in 2000 with my youth group. We were on a trip and needed a relatively inoffensive movie to go see, and this seemed like it fit the bill. All I remember about it was that the opening narration weirdly held up the concept of “snow day” like it was this mystical, legendary concept. You know, rather than something that all midwesterners experience about four times a winter season.

But the idea of revolving a movie around these unplanned holidays isn’t a terrible one, especially if you’re going to stick kids in the center of its narrative.

When an unexpected snow storm blows in overnight to cancel schools, a New York neighborhood’s youth population rejoices and plans epic snowball showdowns. But it’s not going to be a laid-back day off: There’s a dedicated snow plower (Chris Elliott) to thwart so they all get a second snow day, a meteorologist (Chevy Chase) trying to top his rival, a geeky principal (Damian Young) to embarrass, a workaholic mom to reconnect with her family, and a lovestruck teen (Mark Webber) who assumes that this is the day to profess undying love to his crush.

It’s a movie where there are no characters — just caricatures. Of course, I shouldn’t expect anything more from early 2000s Nickelodeon. One thing I should expect from that studio, though, is a packed tweeny bopper MTV soundtrack, which Snow Day would like to sell you wherever compact discs and cassettes are sold.

Apart from the songs, the only real entertainment here is the subplot with Elliott’s mean-spirited Snowplowman. It’s a bit ridiculous that there’s only a single snowplow for an entire town, but there are some fun moments here that include mutual kidnapping. I just wish there was more of it — or an entire movie of it. Because the rest of this film is as limp and bland as I remember it being.

Way too much time is given to a teen boy stalking a girl while ignoring the actual girl who likes him. Way, way too much time that isn’t funny or original at all. So by the end of it all, Snow Day wastes a lot of its runtime without jokes or anyone the audience can cheer for.

Supposedly, Snow Day was supposed to be a movie spin-off of the cult TV show The Adventures of Pete & Pete. One can wonder what might’ve happened if those characters tackled a day off school, but we’ll never find out.

Didja notice?

• All good movies start with a science lesson on snow
• Chevy Chase in a grass skirt, people
• “Was I obsessed? Let’s just say that I know the exact number of times she blinks per minute.”
• Could this kid be more stalkerish with that anklet?
• “I can’t go out with a leg jiggler!”
• MAGIC SNOWGLOBE MADE IT SNOW. INDOORS. FOR SOME REASON.
• Why wouldn’t the principal know if the school was closed before the radio announced it?
• This town has one snowplow
• Snow chains can be made from braces of run-over kids
• Ice goes in shoe
• Wow, that igloo got built and stocked fast
• Snowballs have a lot of variety — including a pee version
• This movie has too much kid butt
• “If you can’t hunt with the big dogs, you have to sit on the porch with the pups
• Wow that’s a very early 2000s web cam with way too good of an image for dial-up internet
• Clarestock ’00
• Frosty the weatherman
• Using fake blood as good fry ketchup
• Shampoo the Killer Whale
• Yeah, most kids I know are skilled ice sculptors
• Now the stop motion toys are talking
• Chevy Chase looks like he’s wearing his Spies Like Us hat
• I have no problem believing that little kids could expertly drive and manipulate a snow plow