“I’ll bet you’re wondering what a nice girl like me is doing on the roof of this building.”

Drake’s rating: In this instance, seven is not greater than three

Drake’s review: The Charlie’s Angels TV show was big in the 1970s. Huge. Yuuuuuge. A Top 10 hit in its first two seasons, it spawned a plethora of merchandise like dolls, lunchboxes, and, of course, posters. The actresses who starred in the show were on the covers of seemingly every magazine on the stands and the term “Jiggle TV” hit the national lexicon.

It’s no surprise then, that someone, somewhere, decided to cash in on the phenomenon with a rip-off that, somehow, took all the flaws of the show, both real and imagined, and bundled them into nearly 100 minutes of truly bad cinema. That someone was unsurprisingly writer and director Greydon Clark, the man with the exploitation flicks Satan’s Cheerleaders and Black Shampoo in his rear view mirror and such low-budget fare as Joysticks and Final Justice in his future. And with that kind of résumé, it’s easy to see why Angels Revenge turned out the way it did.

Now I’m sure many of you out there have seen the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode that featured Angels Revenge, so you have an idea of just how bad this flick is. Years ago I read an online review, more of a diatribe, really, that vehemently claimed that the slightly cut-down version of this movie that was shown on that episode was somehow an unjust depiction, and that the full movie was much better. Having seen the full movie* for this review, I can tell you that this is not only incorrect, but factually incoherent.

This movie is terrible!

Ostensibly a tale of revenge that results in a veritable war against a drug lord (the Rat Pack’s own Peter Lawford) and his jaw-clenching minion (Jack Palance, Young Guns), Angels Revenge sees several women, none of whom are named Angel, gathering together to become an elite fighting force capable of bringing the drug trade in the greater Los Angeles area to a halt using only their wits, a lot of guns, and a bulletproof van. So it’s kind of like the A-Team but with matching white spandex uniforms.

This doesn’t sound so bad on the surface, but imagine the A-Team starring Mr. T with the rest of the cast being unknowns who have probably never even heard of acting classes, much less taken one, and you’re getting the idea. Sure, we do get scattered sightings of 1960s television actors like Alan Hale, Jr. and Jim Backus, but their presence only reminds one that Angels Revenge looks, feels, and sounds like a cheap TV movie that was shown once and then tossed into a studio vault and forgotten about for the next 15 years.

Which is almost the case here, but somehow this thing was an actual theatrical release, or at least it had a run in the waning days of the drive-ins, which makes the whole thing even more perplexing. Because, granted, a grindhouse version of Charlie’s Angels is certainly not the worst idea I’ve ever heard, and if Angels Revenge had been merely that then it might not have been forgotten five minutes after the end credits rolled.

But this flick eschews every possible exploitation element in favor of bloodless violence, silly side characters, and cartoonish sound effects. I’m just not sure why you would rip off Charlie’s Angels for the big screen and then make a flick that was somehow even more inoffensive and insipid than the TV show.

So if you’re like me and see Angels Revenge pop up in a “Recommended for You” category after some questionable viewing decisions, then take my advice and just keep on scrolling. Sure, seven women rolling around L.A. in their weaponized van and threatening to castrate drug dealers with katanas sounds like a sure-fire winner, but somehow this flick just wastes all that potential and leaves behind a bland time sink that has you thinking that maybe the adventures of Farrah Fawcett & Co. really weren’t that bad after all.

Watch the MST3K cut or the RiffTrax version, but unless you want to hear every painful line of dialogue without interruption, give the original a miss.

*And not the RiffTrax version, either. I went for the full, unedited, unriffed version. I have regrets.

Intermission!

• “I was out walking in the mountains.” In her white formal dress and heels.
• What’s with the fakey cartoon bonk sounds?
• So much gunfire and so many explosions with so little collateral damage.
• “Hurry, girls!” And then they stroll.
• Keiko’s Asian, so she knows karate. *Watches film* I don’t think she knows karate.
• “No school, I’m cool.” How did this not become a popular ‘70s phrase?
• Teacher, model, singer, high school student…this is an elite squad.
• It’s a van restoration montage! Just because!
• I think the bazooka is an after market part.
• Those matching unis make them look like Evel Knievel’s pep squad.
• Jim Backus as a neo-Nazi is certainly an interesting choice.
• Just some minor kidnapping and assault.
• Running around in heels and trying not to have a wardrobe malfunction should have had its own Academy Awards category.