Alienator (1990) — The slowest foot chase ever recorded in cinema

“You can’t order me to love you, commander.”

Justin’s rating: Snoreanator, more like

Justin’s review: “This is the toilet of the interplanetary penal system. Our job is to flush ’em.”

And so the greatest movie ever made begins its epic journey across galaxies and into our hearts. Which among us has not memorized Alienator by heart? Or named at least one of our children “Kol?” Or tried on white headbanger wigs in a department store with envy? Or written a doctoral thesis on the complex symbology of this timeless tale?

OK. Fine. You called my bluff. Alienator is 10 pounds of dookie in a five-pound bag — and just as messy and fragrant.

After an agonizingly boring 13 minute introduction, a rather unlikable space rebel by the name of Kol (Ross Hagen) escapes from space death row and heads toward Earth. The warden sends an Alienator (Teagan Clive) to catch and kill him, and right there you have the framework of what will prove to be an extremely skimpy movie. To lay on the tedium, the soundtrack is some ferret crawling across a synthesizer and every scene takes about three times as long as it would in a contemporary film.

Kol’s luck changes for the better when he’s literally run over by a quartet of teenage stereotypes in an RV. Figuring that human shields are a good thing to have around, Kol tries to convince them of his extraterrestrial status. Meanwhile, 35 minutes in, the Alienator FINALLY shows up… and uses his gun to randomly set some poor doctor on fire. This is a good precedent to set.

So let’s talk about the Alienator, because that’s the main draw (such as it is) for this film. She looks for all the world like a props department raided a Halloween USA on November 1st and slapped onto an actor whatever plastic molding they could find. In addition to weirdly suggestive body armor and an arm cannon, the Alienator wears the most groovy white spikey wig you’ll ever witness. The backstory I made up for this character is that she got teased so mercilessly in school for her hair that she elected for cyborg surgery so that she could take out his revenge on the universe.

As the Alienator closes in, Kol spends a good portion of the film sitting on a couch and wheezing about “death coming” and somesuch. It looks like a pretty cushy acting gig, I must say. Kol’s excuse is that a restraint collar (or whatever it is) keeps him from doing anything other than uttering ominous statements. Hence, the human shields.

Over the course of a night, the group — which also includes a no-nonsense ranger and two hillbillies — lurches down paths and half-heartedly fights the incredibly slow Alienator. The lethargic chase gives the humans way too much time to whine, argue, and perpetuate stereotypes. I’m just saying that when you go into this movie, you should be counting down the minutes with anticipation before a female starts whining, “I WANNA GO HOOOOME!” Meanwhile, the Alienator makes friends with a deer. No, I am not joking.

As a tiny little twist, Kol actually ends up being a bad guy who steals one of the teens’ bodies. It’s totally something you wouldn’t expect from an escaped prisoner who’s been glaring at everyone for the entire film. So Alienator is the hero? I guess? Even though she murdered that doctor? Whatever, I’m going home.

Didja notice?

  • Kick to the family beans — with a synthesizer sting!
  • Rebels love their excess mascara and curly mullets
  • Dynamic rehabilitation sounds like a gas
  • Could this guy be any more condescending toward his female employee?
  • It’s laser tag time!
  • Htting a railing about three feet away from a guy knocks him over it
  • SLUG BAG TO THE FACE
  • He drives better on a couple of brews
  • Stupid roads, keeping us from getting to places
  • Kol waking up and screaming into the teen’s face got an honest laugh out of me
  • “Call the police!” “I am the police around here.”
  • Pre-law students know their rights, darn it
  • Alienator doesn’t like doctors
  • “Maybe he can suck the electrons out of our thoughts!”
  • Alienators like to be backlit
  • This movie likes saying “punji sticks” a lot
  • ALIENATOR MAKES A DEER FRIEND
  • Haha he shoots off the collar
  • Electronet attack with full scientific explanation
  • When a guy rasps at you that “We could be each other’s teacher,” maybe walk away?
  • Kol takes over his mind?
  • DECAPITATION! And then a farting head?
  • UNEXPECTED LIGHTSABER DUEL!

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