“Snake! You dissed me!”

Justin’s rating: I had a pair of talking roller skates once, but they just bickered between themselves

Justin’s review: It feels that even by 1993, a movie featuring skateboarding was less about authentically representing a sport culture and more about shamelessly pandering to kids only the way that out-of-touch adult marketers can. With such attempts, it’s important to know that… wait a second, someone’s at the door.

Oh, it’s just a meme. Fine, let’s get it over with:

No wonder that rollerblades had to be invented, this was old stuff in 1993. Anyway, our human hero of The Skateboard Kid is Zack, a radical thrasher who moves to L.A. from some undefined midwestern state. He also has Timothy Busfield for a dad, which is like winning the parent lottery. I have an amazing dad, but I’d be down for having Busfield adopt me as a backup. He’s so charming. Sigh.

Zack’s skateboard gets broken by the local skateboard gang leader, and an antiques dealer gives him a replacement. Apparently, this skateboard used to be owned by a magician — where is THAT movie? — which of course means that when it gets struck with lightning, it comes alive and starts talking with the voice of Dom DeLuise. That whole previous sentence sounds like a dream that a friend tells you while you nervously start to back toward a door, but no, it actually is the plot of this movie. The thing has a motor and talking lips and all. The talking skateboard’s name is Rip, and it and Zack are about to become an unbeatable partnership.

The weird thing is that the talking (and, sometimes, flying) skateboard isn’t the oddest part of the movie. No, it has to be the tonal whiplash that happens when half of the movie tries to be a goofy kids comedy and the other half tries so hard to be a heavy metal skateboard commercial.

Zack and Rip face off against the skateboarder gang and an evil used car dealer, enjoying plenty of hijinks and slapstick until the end credits roll. The talking skateboard isn’t a big secret or anything; it has a moving mouth and rolls around on its own. Everyone in the movie hears it yet inexplicably doesn’t start shouting “DEMON SKATEBOARD!” Or, “DOM DELUISE HAS NO PLACE IN KIDS MOVIES!” Rip also has a skinny arm (?) attachment that lets him throw baseballs and whip bad guys.

Evil car dealer tries to blackmail the antique dealer into marrying him (so that he can get her property, which is the usual route to land ownership). There’s also a treasure map and a daughter who needs an important surgery, but I almost don’t need to tell you that. You just assumed it because this is a ’90s movie.

The Skateboard Kid is a national treasure worthy of preservation and appreciation. Everyone should see it and pass it on to three other people, or else a talking Huffy bike will haunt your dreams.

Didja notice?

• “Featured songs by Trashkittens” whaa
• Skateboarding in strobe lighting is a good way to cause accidents and/or migraines
• Lots of skateboards flying off by themselves and planes flying overhead
• You can skateboard as fast as a car, even with a chicken head on
• Putting food down on your skateboard then kicking it back up to you is the optimal way to put away groceries
• That is the worst weather map ever
• You know you’re a cool kid if you have a hat with “WOW” on it
• The dirtiest cup of fish water ever (with a fish)
• Every skateboard jump needs to be seen two, three times at a minimum
• Twister attack can disappear you
• That’s a really creepy clown getup
• Zack has zero problems interrupting his dad at work
• Two people can comfortably ride a skateboard together
• Timothy Busfield in a suit with a clown wig superglued on his head. I admit, I laughed.
• “Zach, where’s the furniture?”
• And then the microwave explodes
• Talking skateboards love horror movies
• Full Coca-Cola bottles make for… unique… candleholders
• Rip is capable of launching him and his rider 30 feet up into the air
• The one kid who keeps losing his skateboard every time he tries to jump a car
• If a woman won’t marry you, accuse her of being selfish
• “This is our only chance,” he says as he puts a scarecrow on a talking skateboard
• Nobody notices a scarecrow in the aisle of a small church
• “You know what it is, chia head”
• “I now pronounce you man and cake!”
• Skateboards work really well with sails made out of flannel shirts
• SKYBOARDING YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHH
• Skateboards can tow a full car
• Did that kid just attempt to murder Zack with a gun?