Evil Bong (2006) — What were they on when they made this? Oh.

“Soon I will control the world! A great, big, beautiful, stoned world with potsmoke clouds and oceans of bongwater!”

Al’s rating: Just one little toke. You know you want to.

Al’s review: Believe it or not, I came into this movie a little biased. I had a free rental at Blockbuster today and picked up Evil Bong for the sole purpose of mocking it mercilessly. I mean, it’s called Evil Bong. Isn’t that alone worth doling out a few rounds of abuse? It’s by the guy who made Puppet Master! Oh how the mighty have fallen, I chortled. I’ve seen Puppet Master. I know Puppet Master. Surely, this is no Puppet Master. So, armed with naught but my razor wit and my unshakable moral superiority over the gits who actually greenlighted this movie, I plunged into Charles Band’s Evil Bong.

And *really* enjoyed it. Crud.

All my pre-prepared jokes had to be trashed. I had my rating all figured out (‘Just Say No’). Within two minutes of the first scene, I had scratched in my little Mutant notebook “THOROUGHLY ANNOYING CAST” in big, important letters, just in case I was going to forget how much I was going to hate the people involved. It was going to be wonderfully scathing. *sigh*

Oh well. Onto my positive review.

Evil Bong is about, er, an evil bong, purchased from the classified section of High Times magazine by four roommates with too much time and too much pot on their hands. There’s Larnell, the paranoid rich kid living off of dad’s money (think Van Wilder but less interesting); Brett, the ex-jock still reliving his glory days in between joints; and Bachman, who is, well, more stoned than the rest of them at all times. Our protagonist is Alistair, the new roommate, who does not partake in the festivities, as he is working on his chemistry/philosophy double major and wants to keep all his brain cells in working order.

When the haunted bong arrives, Larnell, Brett, and Bachman fire her up for a test run and basically get blitzed out of their minds. Larnell latches onto the bong in slightly disturbing worshipfulness, giving it central positioning in the apartment and basically creeping everyone else out. By the next day, the bong starts whispering to them, and the roommates’ tokage grows more and more frequent. Before long, the evil bong comes to life and, as I’m sure you guessed, starts sucking their souls into Bongworld where they are surrounded by strippers and murdered by bras with teeth. As I’m sure you guessed. Suddenly the only one not under the influence, it becomes up to Alistair to take the plunge into Bongworld and rescue both his friends and the tremendously cute Janet, who has also fallen victim to the wacky tobaccy. Oh, and Tommy Chong shows up two-thirds of the way through the movie to save the day. Sort of.

Now, I want to be straight with you and make sure I’m not giving out a false impression: This is not a good movie. It’s maybe not even a movie you’ll ever feel the need to see a second time. The acting is, for the most part, atrocious and there are dozens of nonsensical, dead end sequences that I have to assume only exist to cameo people I suppose I would recognize if I were better acquainted with either the stoner lifestyle or director Charles Band’s oeuvre. At the same time, though, it’s difficult not to fall in love a little with a movie ballsy enough to name itself Evil Bong. It’s just too silly to take seriously, and the moment you start, you’re setting yourself up for failure. I repeat: IT’S. CALLED. EVIL. BONG. We’re not even in the same galaxy as ‘serious.’ It’s bizarre, it’s wacky, it’s utterly ridiculous — it’s Evil Bong. So turn off your brain, pass the Dutchie to the left hand side and enjoy yourself a few puffs on this. It’s good stuff.

Didja notice?

  • The apartment clock always reads 4:20?
  • You should never trust a bra that requires it’s own toothbrush…
  • The evil gingerbread man? WTF?
  • The bust of Jesus smoking a joint? Classy.
  • Bright red electrical tape covering the labels on all the beer cans in the movie?
  • Brett is pretty clearly playing one of the very first levels of Super Mario World, but when Alistair shuts it off he says he was on level 15?

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