“All things considered, I think I’d rather be eaten by the worms!”

Drake’s rating: Not a forgotten cult classic, just forgotten

Drake’s review: You all know how it is, right? One minute you’re out in the desert, wrangling worms, and the next you’re digging up a large box that you saw being buried by a pair of shady customers and discovering there’s a live girl inside.

It’s just one of those things that happens.

Well, it happened to Ralph and Jason, at least. They’re a pair of worm ranchers who quickly find themselves way, way out of their depth and in the middle of a conflict between violent mobsters and crazy cultists over a priceless item that they refer to as “platinum,” but which is really plutonium. I think.

Look, Runaway Nightmare is kind of a mixed-up movie. Written and directed by Mike Cartel, who also plays Ralph the worm rancher, it was shot over the course of two-to-three years, spent yet more time in post-production, and then finally had a release in 1982. And then it disappeared before showing up as an unauthorized VHS release, faded from sight yet again, and then finally achieved a sort of dubious cult status and ended up in a variety of video formats in 2014.

Which is a lot of ballyhoo over a movie that really isn’t all that good.

Cartel obviously put some work into the movie, writing a bit of humorous dialogue. For himself, at least. Ralph gets all the best lines, leaving everyone else short changed and devoid of much in the way of personality or characterization. And that leaves the movie feeling pretty flat whenever Ralph is absent from the scene.

This flick feels like it’s on a constant uphill struggle 10 minutes in. Ralph and Jason rescue the girl in the box and take her back to their motel, and then they are kidnapped themselves by the cult. They try to escape at first, in-between snarky quips from Ralph, but then they kind of fall into membership and find themselves allied with the women against the mob.

And in the right hands, there’s some good exploitation movie fodder there. Unfortunately, Cartel doesn’t seem to have any idea where to go with it. In fact, he doesn’t seem to know that he’s making an exploitation movie at all, as he deftly avoids injecting Runaway Nightmare with any extreme elements, leaving one to wonder just what Cartel was thinking.

There are a few interesting ideas scattered throughout the movie, but none of them are ever committed to. That could certainly be because of the years it took to actually film Runaway Nightmare, but the end result is nevertheless a meandering narrative that doesn’t do itself any favors by rambling on for so long. Honestly, even at 90 minutes, this film feels drawn-out, and some judicious editing could have at least kept the film moving.

Instead it slogs along with little in the way of forward momentum, because the editor was also Mike Cartel, and he probably didn’t want to cut any of those hard-earned frames that he’d spent so many of his weekends filming. Which might be fine for the home movies that you’re planning on boring your dinner guests with, but it’s the kiss of death for even a semi-professional production.

Runaway Nightmare gets a bit of praise in some circles for being something of a lost cult classic, but I’m just not seeing it. There are fleeting moments where you can glimpse something better and more interesting peeking out from under the banality, but then 30 seconds later, Ralph is engaging in his trademark snark and you realize that this is all the movie has to give.

Look, what it comes down to is that you’re not Mike Cartel.* You don’t have to spend your precious free time on Runaway Nightmare, so by all means don’t.

*Unless you are, in which case I’ll say hi, Mike! And sorry about the bummer review here, but my Mutant Contract demands honesty. And also cheese dip, but that’s only on Pot Luck Thursdays.

Intermission!

• I know nothing about wrangling worms. Are these guys doing it right? I demand authenticity in my worm wrangling.
• Ralph tries to leave and gets knocked out with a single punch. That’s kind of Ralph’s shtick.
• There is some seriously wooden acting going on here. This might be why Cartel gave himself all the good lines.
• “I don’t wanna go through one of their tests and come out with a high-pitched voice!” Ralph is just a constant complainer.
• Hey, who invited the goth girl?
• Most uncomfortable dinner scene since The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
• Look, if you guys mean plutonium, just say plutonium.
• Bubble Up, the off-brand 7-Up.
• A disco ball. More proof that this flick was shot in the ‘70s.