“Whatever happens, it’s not our fault!”

Justin’s rating: I honestly had to sit here and ponder if I should make a new category for “workout videos” on this site. I decided against it.

Justin’s review: We here are Mutant Reviewers are proud fans of legendary scream queen Linnea Quigley, a household name only if your household was into a lot of B-movie horror weirdness from the ’80s and ’90s. From Return of the Living Dead to Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Quigley found her niche in life and embraced it with zero shame.

And that shamelessness extended to a two-day shoot in 1990 where she and some friends decided to make a workout video. You know, the kind that Richard Simmons and Billy Blanks and apparently Marky Mark* used to make. But Quigley’s got to Quigley, and that meant that HER workout video would be horror-themed and possibly not be useful as an actual exercise tool so much as an exercise in ogling.**

This hour-long tape begins with a pretty unnecessary shower scene — I guess hygiene is important before workouts? — which gives us a lot of time to check out Linnea’s very crimped ’80s metal hair that she sports throughout this. I also must mention how she’s doing half-lidded eyes the entire time, perhaps trying to look seductive but projecting someone who is under the influence instead.

She then gives us an extended Elvira-like clip show of her various pre-1990 roles from Creepozoids, Assault of the Party Nerds, and Drake-endorsed Vice Academy. Even workout tapes need padding.

She does eventually work out in front of a fireplace while narrating slightly dorky innuendos. Next, she goes outside and fat-shames zombies to dance with her around a swimming pool. Then for the final segment of this monument to western civilization, Quigley invites some friends over to watch Nightmare Sisters and, yes, work out together. So THAT’S what girls do at slumber parties! Choreographed cardio routines!

Ogling aside, about the only actual story in this entire video happens in the final minutes, when a serial killer starts killing the girls in a Ronald Reagan mask. Stay tuned for the twist ending that you absolutely will see coming.

Obviously, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout isn’t supposed to be taken as an actual exercise tape. It’s more like a campy thing you’d put on during a party or a bad movie night with other friends who might know this legendary scream queen. It’s a curiosity, a novelty that you Quigley-heads could watch once in in your life — or never, to be honest — and then put it away for good.

*Marky Mark Workout, 1993. And now I have to make “workout videos” an actual category here.

**Which, to be fair, was kind of the unspoken purpose of workout videos that did not feature Richard Simmons. And if you ogled Richard Simmons, I really, truly do not want to know about it.

Intermission!

• Starting right away with a shower scene, I see. You barely got your hair wet! What was the point?
• No expense was spared on that title card
• “I’m the girl who’s usually being impaled on antlers or eaten by zombies in movies.”
• This becomes an ad for her other movies
• Wait, these are clips of her actual home movies?
• Metal-studded bras and fishnet stockings are acceptable workout fare
• “This move I got from an old Bruce Lee movie.”
• Legwarmers! That’s one ’80s fashion trend I genuinely miss seeing.
• To be fair, the zombie makeup is pretty great here
• The zombies all hiding so Quigley doesn’t see them is funny
• You can body-shame zombies, apparently
• Zombies love a good pool party, even if it washes their makeup off
• Guess we’re just watching an entirely different movie now tucked int this one
• These are the worst sleepover outfits ever
• Some people take a whole lotta stabbing to put down for good