“I do not think you understand the greatness of our cause!”

Justin’s rating: BS serum? This whole movie is injected with it.

Justin’s review: I don’t know where you’re at in relation to superhero movies these days, but I am so disillusioned with everything Marvel and DC that it’s actually made me pine for the weirder old days of goofy sincere comic book films that weren’t CGI’d to death with characters that take off their masks every two seconds lest you forget which high-paid actor is behind them.

So hey, let’s give a low-budget, non-Marvel/DC superhero flick a chance. And this one is based on an actual comic book character traced back to 1941 with Captain Battle: Legacy War. In the original Silver Streak Comics, Captain Battle was a one-eyed WWI vet who used various inventions to battle the rising Nazi threat prior to WWII. However, it wasn’t like he was around very long, only showing up in issues until 1942.

So I’m guessing someone went fishing for the a superhero IP that was in the public domain and scored an obscure character that holds nostalgic value for absolutely nobody… then pretty much rewrote him to be in modern day. I’m not sure why they didn’t just make up a brand-new superhero at this point.

In this incarnation, Captain Battle (“Battle” is his actual last name, in case you were wondering) is a wounded soldier who was attacked by some random suicide bomber and then injected by an experimental “BS serum” by his best buddy. Naturally, this gives him super-powered abilities right in time to combat a group of WWII-inspired Nazis who revive Himmler and take over some small town America.

Yes, it’s pretty much a combination of Captain America and Nick Fury (see the eyepatch and dual pistols) but put into the body of a lobotomized dental hygienist. Himmler even comes back with a red skull-like face that is in no legal way a reference to a much more well-known villain.

Captain Battle takes up the mantle and outfit from his crime-fighting dad, which means that he now wears an eyepatch even though he’s got two fully functional eyes. Maybe he should tie one hand and one leg behind him, just to help the bad guys even more.

Apart from the basic idea of a legacy comic book superhero resurrected for a modern film incarnation by enthusiastic filmmakers who saw Captain America: The First Avenger one too many times, there’s absolutely nothing in favor of Captain Blood. This is a disaster of a flick, with the worst lighting, cinematography, acting, plot, sound, music, pacing, writing, and — especially — special effects.

About halfway through, I got suspicious that the filmmakers were pulling my leg, trying to intentionally create a Birdemic-bad film with superheroes. But I don’t think so. It probably sounded really cool to make a movie where a Captain America stand-in shoots Nazis a lot, and these filmmakers weren’t going to let budget restrictions stop them for anything. It looks like someone found a Nazi flag, yanked out an iPhone, and got to making the next cinematic classic.

This is supposed to be some great anti-Nazi adventure, but since they couldn’t afford to shoot this as a WWII-era flick, it’s set in modern day suburbia. That means there are people hanging out in mid-level sedans, sitting in sparsely decorated living rooms, and having extremely long conversations in front of strip malls. It really is about 60% talk, and that’s a death sentence to any superhero tale. And when Mr. Battle does get into scraps, he loses more often than not.

I do believe that all aspiring filmmakers should be forced to sit through this to understand what it looks like when people lack the skill and resources to take a concept to reality. Not everyone who thinks that they can write the great American novel can even start to put together a story coherently, and not every wanna-be director or actor is cut out for the business. You gotta know your trade and know it well, because there are no shortcuts.

I really wanted Captain Battle to turn out to be some sort of cool, underground indie gem. My wishes were irrelevant, for this is as disposable as a movie can be. This Z-movie was pure suffering to endure, without any “so bad it’s good” moments to keep me entertained.

Intermission!

• I have a feeling we’re going to see so many swastikas in this movie
• Love the super-fake gun muzzle flashes
• Those are some groovy opening credits
• These “soldiers” look like day hikers someone ran up to and handed prop guns then shouted “ACTION!”
• Bad guys like to shout as they run up and attack — and they STILL win
• Hey your friend is dying, let’s use your weird experimental serum on him that you’re toting around. For some reason.
• The drug is called “BS serum?” Seriously?
• Wait, his last name is “Battle?” OK.
• This club scene makes me embarrassed for everyone involved
• So they’re kidnapping strippers for… stem cell harvesting? This does not seem like a great plan.
• Every scene where characters spout informational exposition, a part of my soul withers and dies
• “I used to call him Captain Battle, America’s avenger!”
• Yes, let’s move from sitting in one room to sitting in another room.
• A super long wrap and leather bondage gear is not as cool as you think it is, lady. Put on some sweats.