“Come along, George. Now we will ALL fly.”

Drake’s rating: There’s bad, there’s worse, and then there’s this

Drake’s review: Jackie Coogan was probably the first motion picture child star. Born in 1914 to parents who worked the vaudeville circuit, young Jackie was thrust onto the stage at a young age, which was where he was found by none other than Charlie Chaplin while filming 1919’s A Day’s Pleasure.

Chaplin was so impressed with the child that he gave him a co-starring role in 1921’s The Kid. It was that film that made Coogan a nationwide sensation, and he soon had the starring role in films such as My Boy and Oliver Twist. Jackie Coogan was everywhere, and not just on movie posters. Whole merchandising lines sprung up around the boy, and his name and likeness appeared on dolls, lamps, pencil boxes and clothing lines. There was even a Jackie Coogan brand of peanut butter:

Coogan made millions, but he saw very little of it. His mother remarried after a messy divorce and, when Coogan was in his early 20’s and working in films less and less, it was revealed that the trust fund she had always claimed to have set aside for him didn’t exist. A lawsuit followed, of course, but Coogan recovered only a fraction of the money that he’d earned. It was this case that resulted in the California Child Actor’s Bill, which required a separate trust to be set up by the studios so that child actors would not be completely ripped off by unscrupulous parents.

That didn’t help Coogan, however. Although he continued to act his star had peaked, he would never again reach the heights that he had achieved as a child.

Well, arguably. Let’s face it, for many of us Jackie Coogan is a cult icon not for his early days, but instead for his unforgettable turn as Uncle Fester on “The Addams Family” television show from the ‘60s. The weird voice, the bugged-out eyes and the childlike demeanor were all perfected by Coogan for the role, and he fit in seamlessly with what was a standout cast.

But between the movie stardom of his childhood and his later days as Uncle fester, Coogan made quite a few movies, and Mesa of the Lost Women was one of them. Honestly, I’d prefer to end the review right here but Justin has this thing about movie reviews actually containing the reviews of movies, and since he rules with a vanadium alloy fist* he gets to call the shots.

So, Mesa of Lost Women. It’s bad. I don’t know what else to tell you. It started life under the direction of a fellow named Herbert Tevos, who claimed to be a German filmmaker. He was German, certainly. That much has been verified. As to his claims of being any sort of filmmaker… Look, just watch Mesa of Lost Women, and you’ll know that’s a bald-faced lie.

Wait. No. Don’t do that. Do NOT watch Mesa of Lost Women. In fact, you’re all forbidden to watch it. That’s right, you heard me. I am using my authority as Mutant Reviewer to forbid you from watching this film. No, don’t try to argue with me. It’s for your own good.

Gah! Now I sound like a parent! Do you see what this movie does to you? I swear, if I ever get access to a time machine I’m going to go back in time and tell myself, “Self, don’t watch Mesa of Lost Women. Trust me, it’s for your own good.” Then I’m going to thwack my past self for smirking and saying I sound like someone’s parent.

The short of it is, Tevos made a movie called Tarantula that was so unwatchable the producers refused to release it and ordered its existence struck from the time-space continuum. Unfortunately, another schlockmeister by the name of Ron Ormond, who had a smidge** more talent than Tevos, got a hold of the thing and thought that with some new footage added, and a new title, it just might be a flick worth the back half of a drive-in double-feature.

He was wrong, of course. It was decidedly not worth releasing, and the rumor is that Mesa of Lost Women was declared a national health hazard and all copies were ordered destroyed. Unfortunately, evil never dies. Instead it hangs around on late-night local access television slots for a few decades until it limps into the public domain and onto DVD collections and streaming sites to terrorize the world once again.

Look, there are a ton of bad movies that don’t cause brain damage, so catch one of those instead. Watch an Ed Wood flick or a Roger Corman movie, or maybe one of the two dozen or so Fast & Furiouses. Just don’t watch Mesa of Lost Women. And if you do, I’m taking away your car keys.

*It’s an upgrade from his original iron fist, which was showing some significant wear and tear after a few decades of smacking unruly Mutants.

**Just a smidge, mind you.

Intermission!

• Don’t like the faux flamenco music? Too bad! It’s a two-minute piece that’s going to be on repeating autoplay for the entire movie!
• I find nothing at all creepy or mysterious at all about a scientist having a laboratory hidden in a hill in the middle of the desert.
• He wants to create a spider to conquer the world. Cool idea and all, but I think the military will just invest in a humongous can of Raid.
• Glen or Glenda co-star Dolores Fuller has a cameo here. I’ll bet she couldn’t wait to get back to working with Ed Wood after this disaster.
• Oh, so you read all the way down here and realized that I never actually reviewed Mesa of Lost Women? Well, aren’t you observant! OK, since you’ve been so patient, I can tell you that what happens is <<<Mutant Review word count exceeded>>>