“When a foursome is on the green, ‘Fore’ is not an excuse, ‘So what?’ is not an apology, and ‘Up yours’ is not an explanation.”

Justin’s rating: Way over par, but that’s how you lose with style!

Justin’s review: A golf guy, I am not. But I had friends in high school who were part of a family obsessed with it, so I had to pretend for a time that I actually cared about tacky pants, bogeys, slicing, par, and pretty much everything else that Happy Gilmore lampooned. Maybe I would’ve been more into the sport if I had a great teacher behind me. Say, Naked Gun’s Leslie Nielsen?

In the ’90s and at the top of his comedic stride, Nielsen agreed to star in not one, not two, but three videos parodying golf instructional tapes. When I heard this, I was a-quiver with anticipation. Would this de-mystify this sport for me? Or at the very least, keep me entertained?

Nielsen plays himself, sort of, as an instructor who wanders onto the course to give well-meaning advice to bad golfers. And that advice has nothing to do with becoming a better golfer, but rather becoming a better bad golfer. Hey, it’s in the title of the film.

The target of Nielsen’s instruction is Billy (Archie Hahn, Gremlins 2), a befuddled golfer who’s about to lose any good skills that he might’ve had. In return, Leslie teaches him to bribe the course manager to cut in line, cheat by claiming “practice swings,” fake construction of the ground to move the ball, sabotage your opponents, ordering your ball around, and how you’ll eventually win if you keep asking enough rhetorically idiotic questions.

Sight gags and silliness is the name of this game. I’m sure a viewer would get a lot more out of this if they were an actual golfer, but even for a novice such as myself, it’s still a great time. I particularly liked Leslie’s unnamed caddy who adds to the insanity with his own costumes and unorthodox equipment. There’s also an extremely snobby man who comes by with a golf cart every so often to offer his own unhelpful advice.

The game — and instructions — get more and more crazy as the group plays through people’s living rooms, cheats at every turn, and relish having fun no matter what. And if you see this, which you should because you’re as good as a golfer as I am a writer, you’ll probably have a pretty OK time too.

Intermission!

• All good golf videos start with a shot to the groin
• If you’re really bad at golf, you’ll knock a chandelier around — outside
• That cheezy soundtrack… is kind of soothing
• “I don’t play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf but feel good.”
• You should wear at least three hats at a time
• The skeletons on the golf carts
• Leslie’s amazingly fake stunt double. Love that wig!
• Golfers can fence with their clubs… and limbo!
• Billy needs to learn to keep his cool
• The sacred music while Leslie takes the oath
• “It’s not a lost ball, it’s a stolen ball! And why should you be penalized for being the victim of this crime?”
• Latin is a good way to make your point, as is future crime
• Sand traps are a good place for sand castles
• You may need blueprints and X-rays on the putting green
• Leslie is a great leaner
• About time we had bongos in golf
• Gotta check golf ponds for sharks
• Sometimes you have to play through someone’s living room
• All of the random tips in various locations are a riot
• “It’s always the caddy’s FAULT”