“Hold up! How come when anything bad happens, and we should stick together, you white people always say split up?”

Justin’s rating: Genuinely scarier than most actual horror movies

Justin’s review: I am not a cynic. I am not a cynic. I am not a cynic.

Excuse me, but I have to keep up this chant in my head after seeing Scary Movie 2, or else the ancient prophecies will come true. I am not a cynic. Life still has meaning. I am not a cynic. Hollywood occasionally puts out a good movie. I am not a cynic.

Going back to my original review of Scary Movie, I might have given the impression that there were redeemable elements involved in that movie. I lied; there were not. I can’t explain exactly the situation I was in when I wrote that review, but believe me when I say that my family’s lives were at stake by an agent of the MPAA. Anyway, Scary Movie stunk, much in the same way if you were to hunker down and nuzzle your face deep into the armpit of that kid who never showered after gym and had fungus problems.

Scary Movie 2 moves beyond mere stinking to rip open a hole in our universe, solely to find another dimension that has more foul and noxious odors than our own to unleash upon us. It’s that bad. It sucked my soul clean of color and replaced it with a neverending mental loop of the countless body fluid-related splatterings that went on in this film.

How come this movie was made? Let us sneak into the private chambers of the Wayans Manor and evesdrop on their conversation:

WAYANS CLONE #1: Whew! Sure is fun, having all this money!
WAYANS CLONE #2: Heckfire, yeah! I use hundred dollar bills as toilet paper now!
WAYANS CLONE #3: It’s amazing how stupid moviegoing audiences are, that they actually gave us this money, the money that I am using to buy my 400th Puke Cannon™!
WAYANS CLONE #4: Perhaps it’s time to quit… we’ve got the money, we’ve proved that people are sheep-like morons who stampede toward any cheap parody that… wait! Let’s make another movie!
WAYANS CLONE #5: This one could be a parody of Kevin Costner flops… we could call it PostWorld!
WAYANS ORIGINAL GENETIC MATERIAL: NO. THAT IS TOO CLEVER. INSTEAD, WE WILL CREATE A SEQUEL THAT HAS NO ORIGINAL THOUGHT OR POSITIVE VALUES WHATSOEVER. JUST FILM SOME GARBAGE AND PUT A “2” AFTER THE TITLE.
WAYANS CLONES: Hooray!

Whatever characters weren’t killed or shamed by the first Scary Movie are back here. Which I guess is one Cindy (Anna Faris) and a couple leftover Wayans. Poor Faris, who really has potential as an actress but is trapped in a black hole of terrible franchises. Her willingness to be wide-eyed and oblivious while poking fun at herself makes the events in this movie all the more tragic.

Cindy, the Wayans clones, and a few other “We used to have real careers” actors end up in a haunted mansion where the expected parodies play out. As a bloated Tim “Please just remember me for Clue” Curry keeps the kids trapped in the house, a ghost torments them all by keeping the runtime going. I do believe that this was the first 83-minute movie that made me check the clock about four times just to see how close it was to being done. It’s not just offensive, juvenile and tacky… it’s boring too!

Yet again is no tact or subtlety shown in the nightmarish world of Wayans. Instead, it’s all extremely over-the-top gross, plus they do that thing where a filmmaker thinks one thing is funny (and it isn’t), so they run with that joke for like five minutes solid. An example of which is Chris Elliott, the odd butler who has a deformed left hand. They do about four or five entire scenes in this film that revolve around the other characters being revolted by this hand (including an agonizing dinner sequence that has him jamming said hand inside a turkey’s rectum). It was… obese storytelling with diminishing returns on the humor.

You’ll watch this gutter pigeon of a flick and constantly be thinking about how rushed everyone must’ve been to cash in on the success of the first film. It’s senseless, crude and holds no interest for anyone outside of a focus group held hostage. What makes it even worse is that a bulk of the jokes and parodies are either from obscure movies that no one remembers or from pop culture that happened about three months ago.

And no one remembers.

Didja notice?

• Yes, because long pee jokes are funny. Wait, no they’re not.
• Yes, because poop jokes are funny. Wait, no they’re not.
• Even bad movies hated Jerri from Survivor
• Yes, because vomit jokes are funny. Wait, no they’re not.
• Yes, because pot jokes are funny. Wait, no they’re just boring.
• Yes, because gay rape jokes are funny. Wait, no they’re just incredibly offensive and illegal.
• Nice hairdo, bald guy.
• Was that the first female wedgie on film?
• Yes, because turkey rectum invasions with deformed hand jokes are funny. Wait, no they’re… um…
• Does anyone even remember that Nike commercial they parody here? Why would you parody a commercial? That has a shelf life of three seconds.
• The tongue used in the spoof of The Exorcist is the tongue used in the original Exorcist movie.
• The mansion exteriors used for the house were filmed at the same house used in the movie Delirious and the TV Series “Batman”.
• There is a character named Megan Voorhees, whose last name comes from the killer in the Friday The 13th films, Jason Voorhees.