“Life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.”

Justin’s rating: I am the King Nottie

Justin’s review: I’ve known for years that I was going to have to review The Hottie and the Nottie so that I could rest knowing that the worst of my life was now in my rearview mirror. But I’ve been putting it off for 18 years because even the poster made me wince hard enough to give me permanent crow’s feet.

We as a society are well past the Paris Hilton Era (2003-2008) where this artificial being got famous for no reason other than the self-fulfilling prophecy that she was famous. Her lack of personality and narcissistic bent made it infuriating when she kept showing up in the spotlight, especially because who she was on the inside made her not exactly pretty on the outside.

At the height of her aspirations for worldwide domination, she starred in a film that not only bombed most egregiously but also co-starred Step by Step’s Christine Lakin as Paris Hilton’s (House of Wax) character’s hideously ugly best friend. Yes, this Christine Lakin:

My eyes! Ze love goggles do nothing!

So the whole idea here, the whole premise of this masterpiece is that Cristabel (Hilton) is the most gorgeous woman in the world and every guy desperately desires her. Just like real life! If you don’t believe me, then believe the camera that sloooooowly pans over her body at least three times in this flick.

And to prop Cristobel up even higher on that questionable pedestal is the fact that her longtime friend June (Lakin) is, as the kids said back in 2008, “a total woofer.” She’s comically so, thanks to the makeup department, which gave June warts, pimples, a mole, a unibrow, mismatched teeth, nose boogers, leg hair, black toenails, scabs, and balding hair. What, no hunchback and prehensile tail?

Lifelong loser Nate (Joel David Moore, Dodgeball) has been in love with Cristabel since his childhood and has an opportunity to reconnect with her when he moves to California. However, he learns that a first date with Cristabel comes with a hefty price tag: He’s got to find a guy for June first. And, as we’ve previously established, June is such a waste of human flesh that she should be ejected into the sun so that we can all go on living our superficial lives in blissful ignorance.

All hail Paris Hilton! Your radiance is matched only by the success of your bespoke handbag collection!

Nate’s going to have a tough time carrying out this mission because June is the “nottie” that nobody can stand. And yes, this film actually takes time to establish the hottie/nottie friend principle as a thing, and as that guy on Billy Madison said, we are all now dumber for having listened to it and may God have mercy on our souls.

Yeah, there’s some clear satirical bent happening here, but it doesn’t make the full product any less terrible. Everyone here is constantly creeping on Cristobel, even Nate, who transforms this movie into a manual on celebrity stalking. Not that we need a manual here at Mutant Reviewers. We’re naturals!

The Hottie and the Nottie may be one of the cringiest things I’ve ever sat through. I knew it was going to be bad, but this is… this is something else. Watching the movie dunk on June while trying to get us to sympathize with Nate’s awkward romantic quest and Cristobel’s alleged humanity is a Geneva Convention-level torture violation. And face it, there’s something deeply hypocritical about Paris Hilton making a movie where the moral is “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

So we’ve got Hilton’s vapid posing over here and June’s over-the-top disgustingness over there, and the path to the end credits plows through gross-out scenes and Nate gradually realizing that he actually might like the ugly one more than the waste-of-space one. But instead of Nate accepting June for herself despite her looks, it’s going to take one monster of a makeover to turn June into an acceptable final package. Which is what actually happens.

The only upside of The Hottie and the Nottie is that there are some so-weird-it’s-funny moments, such as Nate and his roommate brainwashing a guy to like June but accidentally transform him into a psychotic Casanova. And there are parts when Moore shows some actual talent for comedy when his character is not stumbling over his lies and ham-handed flirting. And if I can add one more thing, it’s that I did appreciate how (inexplicably) good a friend Cristobel is to June and happy for her to find love.

You’re not me, so you’re probably wiser and will never put yourself through this shallow abomination that’s an odd blend of There’s Something About Mary and Shallow Hal. But I conquered it, and that makes me officially invincible. I can also claim the first scoop of anyone’s ice cream as tribute. FEED ME MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP.

Intermission!

• That is a metric crapton of glitter on that Valentine card
• OK I’m digging this emotional girl song, although I don’t mind that she slams the guitar across his head
• “Are you going to keep the actual DRAWER?”
• OK she assaulted him with a guitar and literally drove over him with her car. She needs to go to prison.
• The horse scream when June’s picture is shown
• Nate’s friend is actually pretty repulsive. He’s also a legit stalker.
• He’s sniffing her hair and then tackles her? Worst meet-cute ever.
• Creepy albino stalker Randal,  40 feet away
• Cringy first kiss
• “Coopy” is a horrible nickname
• This soundtrack is obnoxious
• And now a Super Mario Bros. intermission
• “I saw it on your wall back there” OK I laughed.
• Paris Hilton’s way glossy lipstick reminds me of that Bob’s Burgers quote: “I just thought that she was always done eating rotisserie chicken!”
• “My God, she has whiskers! And no teeth!” “Oh she has teeth, they’re just not the conventional shade.”
• Did Paris Hilton just blather on about an “earthsuit?”
• Where did he get a giant blown-up picture of June? And, er, “Space Lady?”
• Just smacking a dwarf midget off the stage, are we
• This brutal hike is more like a very casual stroll through a mostly level coastside
• Ugly girls get so excited about being catcalled
• So much Paris Hilton fake farting
• Cristobel’s closet of choosable lingerie
• This film REALLY needs to stop using the term “non-virgin”
• “Don’t make any sudden moves. She’s trying to strangle herself with her hood.”
• Why did Nate never get his “LOSER” car repainted?