“They also bring in monkeys for zoo, but we don’t put them in four star hotel either!”

Justin’s rating: At least everything is hunky dory with Russia in 2022! Oh wait…

Justin’s review: Everybody who’s heard of Police Academy: Mission To Moscow, the direct-to-oblivion seventh movie of the endeared and embattled Police Academy series, knows quite clearly that it is terrible beyond all measure. Of course, that’s usually not coming from first-hand accounts of people who’ve personally seen it; usually it’s a mentally insane friend-of-a-friend who passed along this information along with many easy-to-torture Bothans.

So, to satisfy your curiosity without actually making you give up 90 minutes of your vital life, here’s a quick run-down on what went wrong with Police Academy 7:

1. Wasted talent: Would you believe that Ron Pearlman, Clare Forlani and Christopher Lee thought that, hey, what a good career-booster it would be to star in the seventh movie of ANY series? Believe it. Lee is lightly watchable cameoing as the Russian General Police-Guy, but Forlani is there to merely look cute and Pearlman just chews through a fake accent with his monkey face.
2. Nonsensical plot: An evil Russian mobster (Pearlman) releases perhaps the dumbest-looking video game called “The Game” which gets everyone in the world hooked on it, even though it’s just Gameboys without cartridges in them. For some very vague reason, American police cadets are asked to come help this poor country sort out their problems. It’s a thin excuse for an exotic location, but since there’s no real anti-establishment pranking going on, what’s the point? To capture more criminals while Jones makes sounds like they’re farting?
3. Fewer cops: This is like the last round of some demented reality show, where we see which original Police Academy actors are desperate enough for cash and willing to trade in all remaining dignity. The… um… winners? Loud-mouth Jones, big-bosomed Callihan, gun-nut Tackleberry, the slimy Harris (without his life partner Proctor), and the daffy Lassard. That’s it. Five, down from at least a couple dozen recruits from the previous six entries. Even die-hard second-tier characters like Hooks and Hightower opted out, probably wisely, but then again, what work have they seen lately?
4. A terrible lead: Replacing Nick from 5-6, who replaced Mohoney from 1-4, is some little weenie snot whose main character trait is to smirk. Does anyone like smirkers? Only if, in the next scene, they’re getting their intestines fed to them by carnivorous space monkeys.
5. The silence of comedy: A further reliance on cheap pratfalls and slapstick, cartoony scenes, instead of trying for any original jokes or witty dialogue makes the comedy trying and stale for anyone over the age of six. There’s more unintentional hurting of other characters in this movie than the first six combined; I’m guessing the director had some childhood playground bully issues to work out.

Really, about the only people who have actually seen Mission to Moscow were the initial wave of suckers who picked it off the new release rack in 1994, and overly-curious movie fans and critics who wanted a little bit of themselves to die. It’s not even close to a good, watchable movie, but it’s not — by far — the worst I’ve ever seen in my reviewing career. I can only hope that Police Academy 8 tries to make wrongs right, but no matter what, I’ll embrace it with my withered, ready-to-perish eyes. God, I love being a movie critic!

Didja notice?

• Russia produces cool video games… since when?
• How pathetic the actual game is… and the newscaster doesn’t actually have a cartridge in the Gameboy
• Russian men like kissing as hello
• Lassard ending up at the Russian funeral is worth a chuckle
• All Russians understand English. That’s why they need translators!