Equalizer 2000 (1987) — Gentlemen, we can make one gun out of four

“Do they have the oil? Do they have the oil?”

Justin’s rating: Remember how companies used to slap “2000” at the end of names to make things sound super-futuristic? That held up nicely.

Justin’s review: So having watched several of these types of post-apocalyptic movies over the past couple of years, I have a conclusion that I’d like to share. I’m pretty sure the filmmakers go with this genre not because of any sort of love or interest in it but because it offers them the excuse to literally shoot scenes in whatever rundown location they find that costs no money for permits. Then all you have to worry about is welding a few spikes on a car and robbing a sports equipment store for your outfits. It’s quite economical.

As we start Equalizer 2000, it’s 100 years after the nuclear war, where even north Alaska is a scorched wasteland. Guess it’s warm there, too, because everyone’s wearing t-shirts without nary a care. There might not be any trees, crops, or wildlife, but by gum, humanity still has its awesome Mad Max-style muscle cars, thematic helmets, and a whole bunch of weapons with endless ammunition.

Another sign that we’re in a post-apocalyptic movie with no imagination is that we have just two sides duking it out. There’s The Ownership (bad guys) and the rebels (always the good guys since Star Wars came out, I guess). Everyone wants what oil remains so that they can drag race or whatever. After the opening fight, a merc named Slade (Richard Norton) decides to defect from the Ownership to the rebels.

Because he doesn’t have a winning personality, Slade’s going to need to bring something else to the table here. And that something else is the Equalizer 2000, a completely unnecessary, unwieldy gun that looks like a props master glued parts of four guns together. If something like that was made in real life, it would likely take the operator’s arm clean off due to the recoil alone. But it explodes stuff up real good, so you can kind of see where all of this is going.

I keep going into these movies hoping that they’ll be something more than extremely lame Mad Max clones, and they almost never are. I should learn my lesson and stop with this, because Equalizer 2000 was a rather forgettable 80 minutes of lame stunts, amateur acting, and scattershot costuming. Goes to show that you need more than UltraGun to bring in the crowds.

Didja notice?

  • The dorky soldier running around with only a pistol while everyone else is shooting rifles. Good luck with that.
  • OK, the opening fight scene is pretty awesome — mortors, rocket launchers, the works. And the guy with the pistol.
  • These roads are still in remarkably good shape this long after the apocalypse
  • Hey, it’s Robert Patrick!
  • Did they raid a Civil War reenactor society for those outfits?

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