“Nice shootin there. You just shot yourself a dead man!”
Justin’s rating: Dino-MITE!
Justin’s interview: Today we’d like to welcome to our studio Tyrion, the star and title creature of Carnosaur 3: Primal Species. Thank you for taking the time to be with us, Tyrion.
TYRION: RRARGGHH! GRARR! Er… excuse me, I had something in my throat. It’s an auspicious honor to be invited to your website for this interview.
JUSTIN: Let’s get started, shall we? So, you’re a Carnosaur. The average Joe and Jane on the street might be a little fuzzy about what Carnosaurs are… would you like to inform them?
TYRION: Absolutely. A Carnosaur is a chicken-based dinosaur that has been genetically altered to be born of a human female. It’s just coincidence and ignorance that we happen to look like a fake rubber suit of a velociraptor with a person inside stomping around. Oh, and we have teeth. Oh my! The teeth we have!
JUSTIN: Very nice. Would you mind releasing our intern from your understandably impressive jaws? Thanks. So how did you, of all the Carnosaurs, end up getting one of the lead roles for Carnosaur 3?
TYRION: It goes without saying that Carnosaur 1 and 2 were by far the most popular films ever made, grossing a combined total of $1.2 trillion. The studio was under a lot of pressure to get a third effort made, but our intrepid director refused to sacrifice integrity for the sake of a few bucks. Thus, open auditions were held in L.A., Washington D.C., and Williamstown, NJ to find the most talented ‘saurs in the nation. Millions came, and only three remained. To this day, I’m convinced that my devouring of the craft services attendant before my audition sealed the deal for me.
JUSTIN: How did the filming progress go? Any exciting stories to share?
TYRION: Working on C3PS (as the marketing team billed it) was an absolute dream. It’s almost overwhelming to finally step foot on some of these multi-billion dollar sets after the crew finished their construction! Can you believe that we had not one, not two, but three entirely different sets for this film — a general’s office, a warehouse AND the interior of a ship? As for exciting stories… let’s just say that I got a little frisky and friendly with Janet Gunn, the actress who played the memorable role of Dr. Hodges. Our off-set behavior cost the production at least two days of filming.
JUSTIN: Excuse me, THE Janet Gunn? Three-time Academy Award winner and Purina Dog Chow spokeswoman?
TYRION: The very same. Of course, the tabloids were ablaze with interspecies scandal, but Janet and I were too much in love to care.
JUSTIN: Skipping ahead to the release of C3PS, while the reviews were almost uniformly positive, they were no where near as glowing as the first two, not to mention that the box office take was sharply down. How did you feel about this at the time?
TYRION: Honestly, it was a letdown. I personally feel that C3PS is superior in every way to the first two films, and still advocate that time will tell as to the most loved movie. However, large quantities of dino-beer solved my melancholy back then, and my spirits did start to rise when little children would come up and ask me for an autograph, even years after the movie went to video. Of course, I had to eat them, but the love was there.
JUSTIN: What are your plans for the future, Tyrion? Any whisperings about Carnosaur 4?
TYRION: [polite chuckle] Well, there are always rumors, and rumors of rumors. But I’m a realist: I’ve had my day in the sun, and that sun has almost set for me and my kind. I’m content to live out the remainder of my days in horrific death and slaughter, as is befitting of my kind. Speaking of which…
JUSTIN: [loud screams, followed by a liquid gurgle]
- The Army doesn’t make stops for potty
- But it’s totally okay to pee off the back of your jeep while your fellow troops are watching
- Ninja attack! And about five billion quick cuts!
- Terrorists. Always taking our Carnosaurs when we least expect it.
- 15 seconds = 15 dead hostages? That’s pretty fast hostage killing.
- Carnosaurs see in reverse negative, that’s gotta be annoying
- HIS team is “the best”? Maybe you should look around again. Just saying.
- The police like to gag their suspects
- These police guys LOVE their metaphors
- These soldiers are quite the chatty cathies
- Ah, it’s the portable hand scanner from Aliens. How original.
- This movie loooooves it’s up close, full-face shots
- The colonel has his growl-talk down pat
- Cheetahs can outrun carnosaurs, good to know
- These guys have guns longer than most rooms are wide
- Pillows can pummel carnosaurs into submission, or so the story goes
- So, they’re in a warehouse infested with carnosaurs… and they take a fun break to ARM WRESTLE?
- I think the warehouse is about 10 feet from the general’s office, for all the quick running back and forth between locales that the characters do
- What’s with the woman-soldier bashing here?
- Yeah, who would’ve thought the evil creatures would get smarter and more deadly? Surely not me.
- Soldier-people always love bagging on scientist-people in these types of films