“You’re not even interesting enough to make me sick.”

The Scoop: 1987 R, directed by George Miller and starring Jack Nicholson, Cher, and Susan Sarandon

Tagline: Something wicked this way comes.

Summary Capsule: Jack Nicholson releases the inner sexy of three wonderful ladies!

Nancy’s rating: Four out of four people that I love!

Nancy’s review: When I was about twelve, I wasn’t an average preteen girl. I didn’t really hang out with people, I just stayed home and watched the fourteen or so movies that I owned over and over and over again. Amongst Con Air and Armageddon, one of these movies was Witches Of Eastwick. And one of the most satisfactory feelings of my new seventeen-year-old life is going back to these old movies and saying “Ahhh I can still say every line! And also… this is a really cool movie! I was a really cool twelve year old!”.

Witches Of Eastwick is a smart and sexy tale about three best friend ladies (Cher, Susan Sarondon, Michelle Pfiefer) who live in a small New England, and rather conservative, town of cuteness. ON THE SURFACE. But underneath all the friendly hellos and everyone-knowing-each-other niceness, it’s a deep dark world of JUDGING! Yes, if you don’t fit into the rules of Eastwick, you are hissed and spit at by women who have their buns pulled too tight! Liberalism? No way. Sassyness? uh-uh. Sexiness? Out of the question! But wait, sexy and sassy are two of Nancy’s favorite things! How could she love this movie? Some sexy, sassy devil of a man better come in here and shake things up.

Oooh, and he does, he does, he does. Say hello to Jack Nicholson, the second weirdest obsession in my life (Number one is Steve Buscemi — tribute page coming soon!). However, despite three, (count them three!) intense seduction scenes, he’s not as attractive here as he is in other movies. My equations are as follows. Devilish grin = wicked sexy. Actually Satan = not so much. Yes, Jack plays the devil, commonly know to commoners as Daryl Van Horn (real subtle, Satan, reaaaaal subtle), and there could not have possibly been a better casting choice. His main goal here is to seduce these three ladies into a world of witchery, and shake up the conservative town around them. Let’s break open these straight-edge conservative ladies and release the wild cat within!

Why do I love this movie? The people in it. The plot is cool, but reading it on the back of the box wouldn’t make me drop the box, freak out, slap the person near me and say “BY GOLLY I MUST RENT THIS FLICK!”. And the dialogue is cool but not amazing. But how can I not love this movie? Look at the three ladies starring here! One, we have Cher. First of all, I do believe in life after love. Secondly, she has NEVER not been awesome. Even in her crappiest film and her crappiest song, there’s nothing not to love about this woman. It’s her voice. And her hair. When it’s curly and huge, especially. Susan Sarandon is astounding/hilarious. Astounding because she is obviously immensely talented. She also has a cool voice, red hair and big ol’ Bette Davis eyes. She’s hilarious when you really look at the concept of what Susan Sarandon is. Respected actress, passionate advocate for plenty o’ causes, loving wife of Tim Robbins… and it all started by serenading a man creature with “Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me” in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I still get a kick out of that. And finally, Michelle Pfiefer – Catwoman. I don’t care about anything else this woman has ever done in her career. Is she THE catwoman? Is she superior to Julie Newmar? Could anyone possibly have the audacity to compare the star of a nineties remake with the classics? Yes, yes and yes. I’m very audacious.

To say that it is completely fueled by the stars would be a lie, a lie that devalued the genuine coolness of this movie. Looking back, oh man, were some of the aspects of this movie badass. It’s the kind of moments that I look back on, and I have no real way to describe it except “…that was so cool!”. Things to keep an eye out for – The cherry pit scene (one out of three instances in my life where I actually had to look away from a movie in disgust). Each seduction scene (Susan Sarandon’s is my personal favorite… what’s yours?!?!). The tennis scene (Have you spirit soar with me when it starts raining and Daryl soaks it all up!). Each woman has curly hair (loving it!) and a different hair color (so I don’t have to worry about the brunettes forming an alliance against the blonde or something). The cool and colorful outfits that these ladies wear as their coolness/sexiness increases. The hotter their souls get, the more polka dots on their miniskirts! How can I not totally dig this? And of course… Jack’s clever grin.

Oh, and The Butler rocks!

This is a really, really, quite simple just awesome movie that I recommend to everyone. I think it’s important to see a few times, to know it well, that way next time you are playing tennis with your curly-haired friends and a new, devilish man, you can say “It’s just like that scene in Witches Of Eastwick!”.

Intermission!

• Composer John Williams’ own whistling was dubbed in over Jack Nicholson’s for the scene in at the ice cream counter.
• Bill Murray was originally cast to play Daryl Van Horne. (WHOA!) (…I don’t know how I feel about this…)
• Anjelica Huston was auditioned for the role of Alex, but she was passed over for the part which eventually went to Cher. (good thing, too!)
• Cher was offered the role of Jane but preferred the part of Alexandra, the role that Susan Sarandon had been hired to play. Sarandon did not discover that she would be playing Jane until she showed up on location.
• In the beginning, their hair was relatively tame, and by the end each lady has a wild mess of curls curls curls! Which reinforces my theory, curly is synonymous with beautiful.
• Just after the string on the cello breaks, you can still see all four strings intact.
• In the first cherry-vomiting shot, the cherry stones are visibly coming from behind Felicia’s head.

Groovy Quotes

Sukie Ridgemont: What scares me isn’t how short life is, no, it’s the pain, all the pain. I don’t understand why there has to be any pain.

Daryl Van Horne: I see men, sixty, seventy years old breaking their balls to stay fit! What for? When I die, I want to be sick, not healthy.

Alexandra Medford: I think… no, I am positive… that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we’ve been together, you have demonstrated EVERY loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you’re morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You’re not even interesting enough to make me sick.

Sukie Ridgemont: You’re terrible!
Alexandra Medford: No I’m not. I’m fabulous.

Alexandra Medford: Who are you?
Daryl Van Horne: Just your average, horny little devil.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Craft
• Elvira