“I don’t like the sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating — not like you. You’re soft and smooth.”

The Scoop: 2002 PG, directed by George Lucas and starring Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor, and Christopher Lee

Tagline: A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love.

Summary Capsule: Jedi fall in love, thirst for revenge, and discover a plot to rip apart the Republic, all with pretty special effects!

Justin’s rating: Windu’s got a brand new bag

Justin’s review: When I think about it, the Jedi are much like three things:

1. COCKROACHES. They simply don’t die. It’s got to be very frustrating for a Star Wars villain when you’re facing a Jedi, because they just don’t go down easily. They slide under the cracks and avoid the big boot, all the while sowing the seeds of a disease that will wipe you off the face of this planet.

2. SUPERMAN. Superman had multiple powers — so many, in fact, that the creators would simply “forget” ones they had made up, in order to deny Superman an easy solution to his current predicament. The Jedi are a veritable Swiss Army Knife of powers, but they seem to forget they have them from time to time. Every time they were chasing someone on foot in this film, I kept thinking, “Yeah, didn’t they have super-fast running in The Phantom Menace?” They prove time and again they can move large heavy objects with some hand waving, yet sometimes forget to do that when they’re about to be crushed by factory equipment.

3. STONERS. These Jedi meditate an awful lot, don’t you agree? Aside from Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker, the Jedi council doesn’t do a lot of foot work. Their main response when signs of evil are afoot? “Let’s go meditate, man… whooooa… that Force stuff is wicked cool…” They’ve been meditating a majority of both of these movies — get off your duffs and try to prevent the evil from happening, not just react to it!

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones (I am proposing an embargo against using the phrase “Episode” in referring to these films) is a film that gives the Star Wars community what they want, for the most part. They wanted Boba Fett, well, they get a two-for-one special here. They wanted more Jedi, well, this baby is ALL about the Jedi. They wanted more Jar-Jar, well… hey, waitaminute! Who ordered the Jar-Jar? Was it YOU?

George Lucas, I’m convinced, doesn’t necessarily like the little universe he’s created any longer. Sure, he’s about as anally in control as is possible for a human being to get without direct mind manipulation, but every interview I’ve seen with him in, he talks in a bored monotone, pleased more with his computer toys than the story and the characters. Maybe it’s a power trip — he certainly has no problem with people falling down to kiss his pudgy little feet — but I say that if Lucas isn’t in love with Star Wars anymore, then he should be a man and give one of the many talented people out there who are in love with the franchise a shot at making a great film that will hold up over decades. Instead, we get pretty graphics and a mediocre story, about which the best thing that most people can say is, “Well, it was better than Phantom Menace.”

Yeah, well, I can say that about a lot of other films too.

This isn’t a hate review, because I definitely felt that AOTC was a more enjoyable experience than I had anticipated. The story of the Republic fracturing between the loyalists and the (largely unseen) separatists is a much more interesting backdrop than a trade sanction. And bitter, whiney teenage Anakin is at least a mild step up from chirpy, whiney child Anakin.

Obi-Wan Kenobi has grown facial hair in the space between the movies, and now-Senator Amidala has toned her abs. We know this because Lucas practically dangles her off a hook to make her a tempting lust object. Case in point? While fighting for her life in an alien arena, a giant bug just “happens” to rip off half of her shirt to make a Britney Spears-like tank top. The classic Captain Kirk syndrome.

Anakin and Amidala reunite, as Anakin is protecting her from a mysterious assassin whose main weapon is a pair of millipedes. Disturbingly enough, Anakin has been carrying a torch for the now-blossoming Senator, and he’s just as ham-handed in wooing her than if he wore a t-shirt that said “Natalie Portman Fan Club” and kept licking his lips. As it is, you will grow to be discomforted by the leering looks that he gives her, along with some of the most painful romantic dialogue ever to hit a science fiction film. “Burning in my heart,” check. “Sand is rough but you’re so soft,” check. “You ask me to be rational, but I’m irrational,” check. It was so bad, I couldn’t even look at the screen when it was going on.

And let’s not forget that the last time she had seen him, he was EIGHT YEARS OLD. A crush is one thing, but an unhealthy fixated obsession with an older girl for a decade before your stalking puts you back in her presence is another. It’s creepy, and I think that she kissed him just to shut his mouth. Basically, my feelings on the romance in AOTC is the same as my feelings on the romance in Pearl Harbor — they could have removed it entirely from the film and made the movie better in doing so.

Getting past the lovey-dovey stuff, AOTC is definitely fixated on adrenaline overdrive. It’s an action carnival, with so much to see that you don’t know where to look. There’s a thrilling flying car ride, much better than the one in The Fifth Element — although, yet again, they make the future seem like it’ll be easy to fly cars without crashing them left and right like we know we would. There are multiple lightsaber battles and duels, there’s Jango Fett (Boba’s pop) and his arsenal of weaponry, there’s a ship battle (but again, unfortunately no large scale fleet action), and there’s a ground battle about fifteen times bigger than the Battle of Hoth. It’s not easy to be bored with AOTC.

In the end, only Yoda really stood out as a noteworthy character, and that’s saying a lot seeing as he’s purely computer generated this time around. Despite his new look and nearly constant sneers, he does get his brilliant fifteen seconds in the sun, and wowza if it isn’t one of the coolest things to hit the screen in about forever. And I’d also be remiss if I didn’t say that the title’s clones weren’t impressive in their arch-typical roles. Heck, I liked the stormtroopers here!

I’m sure there’s a lot more to say about AOTC, particularly given the weight that it carries as part of the Star Wars legacy. But I feel I’ve had my say, and I’ll entrust my fellow Mutants to hit all the bases.

PoolMan’s rating: It finally really begins.

PoolMan’s review: Our longer-term readers probably remember my clumsy initial review of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. I made it into the midnight showing of Episode I on premiere night, and was the victim of merciless hype, which had been gathering for months before the movie’s release, and carrying right into the theater itself. The air was popping with excitement, guys in costumes were swinging mock lightsabers, and we all settled in for what would prove to be one of the biggest letdowns in the Star Wars saga. But I was so taken in with the hype of this massive movie, that it stuck, and my original review made Phantom Menace sound absolutely peachy. It was a long time before I would revise my review to more accurately reflect what it really was: a pretty mediocre B movie with a huge budget.

Jump the calendar forward three years, to the release of Attack of the Clones, the second/fifth installment in the series, and you’d barely recognize me. Where I positively swam in the river of hype that surrounded TPM, this time not only was the river a lot smaller, I was nowhere near it. I read no spoilers. I didn’t bother with cast interviews. I quite simply treated AOTC as any other movie, nothing special. For that very reason, I was happy when I finally saw it, a week after its release. This was the movie we all wanted first. Or at the very least, it was a lot closer.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is more than just another increasingly long title (look for Ep 3 to be named “Dawn of the Revenge of the Birth of George Lucas’ Massive Ego”), it’s the first real bridge between the current generation of Star Wars films and the last one. Finally, some of the intangibles that made the original trilogy so engrossing have crept into the grotesquely bloated style that George Lucas has settled upon with his prequels. He keeps valiantly claiming that he made this movie the way it was originally supposed to have been, but you can tell he’s been reading the fans’ reactions to Phantom Menace. Gone are the poo jokes. Nearly gone is the imbecilic Jar Jar Binks. There are no more “yippees”, and the aliens are far less obnoxious in general (think two-headed race announcers). And there’s so much Yoda in the water you could walk on top of it. But we’ll come back to that.

There’s a certain darkness inherent in Attack of the Clones that was lacking in Ep I, and it took its presence here to realize how much I missed it. This is indeed the much darker movie that Lucas promised us. Sure, the death of Qui Gon in TPM was an initial shocker, but there was so little emotional attachment to his character in the first place that it wasn’t a lasting feeling. Here in AOTC, we start seeing things more along the lines of what happens to Han in Empire Strikes Back; the characters face real losses and problems, with dire and lasting effects. The audience finally starts finding some reasons to actually care about what happens to Anakin as he begins his inevitable descent into evil. And Christopher Lee’s Count Dooku not only manages to be a badass, he represents a real, continuing threat.

Countering the dark side of course, are the heroes of the story. If nothing else, the fans can continue to bank on Ewan McGregor’s eerie imitation of Sir Alec Guinness. There was barely a scene with Obi Wan in it where I could help but follow what he was doing, his screen presence is so wonderful. Obi Wan conveys the sense of maturity and responsibility that he was (properly) lacking in TPM as he now cajoles Anakin into becoming the Jedi he should be instead of the one he feels like being. The tension between Anakin and Obi Wan when their opinions differed was genuinely uncomfortable, as it should be. Padme Amidala finally gets to grow just an eensy bit, kicking a little butt and just starting to resemble the rebel princess her daughter will one day be. It’s not a lot, but it is there, if you look. And Yoda fans rejoice! If you’ve been itching to see Yoda do more and get lots of screen time, this is your movie. He’s everywhere in this movie, trying to quarterback the good Jedi from afar, but definitely not afraid to wade into the thick of things when the situation demands it. The entirely CGI Yoda, while lacking the nostalgic appeal of the puppet, is so expressive that you start getting a real feeling of what’s going on in that head of his just by looking at his reactions to events. Whether he’s duking it out in saber combat or tenderly teaching a class of children at the Jedi Academy, they put Yoda to work here, and I loved it.

As a story of war, AOTC finally really starts to pick up some steam. As massive as the armies were in TPM, again, there was no reason to really cheer the heroes to victory. Here, the action and battles begin to have some involvement. With the exception of the rather contrived Jedi battle in the arena, the action here is remarkable, and works to draw the audience in, instead of pushing it away. (casting the clone troopers against type as the side to cheer for made for a very satisfying switch; you don’t trust them, even as they carry out Yoda’s orders as obediently as possible and rush to the heroes’ aid) And although Justin complains of the lack of a fleet-style space battle, I think it’s a good move. It lends a gravity to the ground fighting that similar foot battles have lacked in the past, as though the fact that they’re not in space makes them less important. Unlike previous episodes, there’s no frenetic switching back and forth between three or four scenes that all demand your attention; you’re allowed to soak in the seriousness of bigger, single conflicts. Considering the story is about the wars themselves, we finally get some satisfaction after the faceless armies of TPM.

However, as a story of love, Lucas still shows a mystifying lack of ability with his characters. The romance between Padme and Anakin eventually shows signs of believability at the end of the flick, when the action heats up and the couple realizes it’s now or never for their feelings. That said, all the awkward flirting lines that were written for Ani to court her with in the first half are unbelievable… no wonder it takes Padme so long to actually warm up to him. (as a side note, I’m nominating Justin’s “Natalie Portman Fan Club/licking his lips” line as the FUNNIEST… LINE… EVER) And again, except for moments that were both late and rare, Christensen’s performance doesn’t exactly foreshadow the genocidal fury his character will one day succumb to.

Still, the dialogue throughout is finally starting to regain some respectability. Obi Wan’s one liners here and there are expertly delivered, and don’t come off as being written for the sake of filling dead air. Sure, you may start to roll your eyes at Threepio’s incessant puns, but I kind of enjoyed those (although I think I was alone in the theater when I laughed at them). Mace Windu, however, sounds more than a little out of place when he utters the line “This party’s over.” Thankfully, there are no three minute science reels about midichlorians. Actually, I don’t remember a single reference to the psychic flu bug at all… more evidence that Lucas has left some room to let the fans steer the boat, just a little bit.

Although Star Wars has always been head and shoulders above anything else, visually speaking, I have a slight technical complaint: why is it that Lucas makes such a big deal about digital filming having such superiour colour and brightness when most of what he shoots is black space and brown desert planets (TWO this time!)? Whatever, the movie looks as good as it had damn well better at this point. ILM is only about two years’ shy of actually generating a holographic Yoda that can come tap dance in my living room and serve me beer, AOTC *should* look as fantastic as it does.

Clones is what we hoped Menace would be more like. It’s like being the parent of two children, where one grows up to be a relatively successful middle manager, and the other cleans the bathrooms at a strip club. You’re forced to like both, but you know full well which one’s your favourite. But you also know your little manager isn’t perfect… so you hope the next kid is the one that rules the world. We’re running out of time before the Star Wars universe closes up forever, and while AOTC is a good step in the right direction, it’s still not as godlike as the ravenous fans would have it. With one Episode left up his sleeve, George Lucas has to make the difficult call: should he throw his phenomenal pride aside and make a movie for his audience, or puff out his chest and do it for himself?

Don’t be that guy, George. Attack of the Clones is a good movie, and not just for being better than Phantom Menace, but it’s still well short of the high water mark left by the original movies. Keep the momentum going. You’re in the Death Star trench, and you’ve got one shot left.

Make it count.

Canuck Alert! You just knew it had to happen… Darth Vader is a Canuck! Hayden Christensen is from my home, Vancouver, British Columbia! Just goes to show that Canadians are… um… evil… Wait a minute…

Kyle’s rating: Actually, it is easy to be bored with AOTC

Kyle’s review: Long story short, I got tricked into going to a midnight showing of Attack of the Clones. Didn’t want to go. After Phantom Menace, I no longer believed in modern Star Wars. The classic stuff will always rule (pre-stupid special edition touches), but I haven’t watched or read any other Star Wars installments that were even moderately entertaining to me. The toys were great, but that was it. So it was only out of pure curiousity and a sense of adventure (grown men have lightsaber fights in the parking lot? four theaters filled with freaks? Let’s do it!) that I accepted that midnight ticket. And ultimately I had loads of fun! Too bad the fun was all from talking to fans and the experience itself. The movie? If you love me, you’ll never make me watch it again.

Like I said, it is easy to be bored with AOTC. I don’t like this Anakin dude. All of the acting is pretty bad, though Christopher Lee doesn’t even have to try to make Count Dooku the scariest and intimidating old dude you’ll ever see pick up a lightsaber. And Ewan McGregor is always fun to watch. But there is no sense that scenes are blending together into an organized film. AOTC seems more like a trading card set flipping in front of you with mediocre John Williams playing. There are some “neat” parts of the film, especially the end lightsaber battles (go Yoda!), but the good stuff doesn’t last at all and the bad stuff drags way on too long.

You know, with 2/3 of the first trilogy completed, it seems clear that these Star Wars prequels must have been meant as television mini-series or something. The acting is overall atrocious, the writing is horrible, and the entertainment factor is practically non-existant. If these movies were first broadcast on tv, I’d be more willing to make and accept excuses for them. But as feature films, Menace and AOTC are serious disappointments. Lots of people seem to like them both, so I guess there is enough here to enjoy if you’re willing to accept sub-par sci-fi. But if you’re looking for another timeless and enjoyable epic like the classic SW films, uh, you’d better hope Episode 3 delivers. Though I wouldn’t bet your toy collection on it.

Clare’s rating: May the force be with you, for me to poop on.

Clare’s review: Here’s the great thing about being a movie reviewer. My opinion, no matter how much you disagree with it or how strongly you may feel that it proves my idiocy, is still sitting here in slime green print for all to read. So I take great pleasure in saying the following: Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, save maybe five minutes of it, was a crappy piece of crap. I know I’ve boldly said what many have hedged around saying, what many have decided it best not to mention, what many have blindly dismissed as impossible. But the fact remains that George Lucas in all his infinite “wisdom” has taken a perfectly delectable, delicious, life-alteringly good franchise and CGI’d it quite triumphantly into the ground. Mr. Lucas, you owe me $5.50.

Many of you already know what this movie is all about, so I’ll skip right over the “plot” summary and get right to the nitpicking, the belly-aching and the kvetching.

1. If I wanted to watch a bunch of computer effects that sort of tell a story but mostly just look like computer effects, I’ll go over to my sister’s and play Tekken. Just because George Lucas CAN computer animate anything his heart desires doesn’t mean he SHOULD. I like it when actors can make eye contact with the “character” they’re talking to. It helps me to suspend disbelief and really get into the world the movie inhabits. What I don’t like is watching Ewan McGregor with a hilarious beard making nice with a pole that has a dot at the top of it. I also like it when I don’t sit bolt upright in the middle of a movie and think to myself, “Wow, that computer effect looks like total dog doo.”

To wit: Yoda. Sure it would have been hard to get a puppet version of him to whip out his light saber and go to town (that’d be the 5 minutes of the movie I liked), but the old Yoda made facial expressions that looked genuine and he moved around in his environment in a realistic way. Every other scene he was in didn’t need to be CGI nor did any huge number of other shots that could have easily been created using actual STUFF. It was stupid and it bored me.

2. Hi. My name is Natalie Portman. I was good once in a movie when I was 12. Since then, I’ve graduated from the Winona Ryder school of acting where showing up, putting on a costume and saying my lines in one tone of voice passes as “acting.” Love me.

3. Hi. I’m Hayden Christenson. I successfully turned the biggest bad-assed villain of all time into a whiny, self-absorbed jerkweed who’s so super tough that people feel compelled to call me Ani (pronounced like the red-headed orphan). If there is a benevolent god, I won’t be coming back for the next episode.

4. Hi. I’m George Lucas. I wrote what we’re calling the “dialogue” and “story” for this movie. Sure some of it was so pitiful it made you laugh until you cried. And much of it made no sense or was delivered in such a manner as to make you doze off. And sure, I lifted huge sections of the movie from Gladiator and Blade Runner. What’s important right now is that you please excuse me while I go wipe my butt with your hard-earned money.

So there it is folks. I, like everyone else in America, will more than likely haul my sorry ass to the googleplex to see the third prequel and will probably leave it feeling just as disappointed and annoyed as I did when I saw this one and the one before it. But, like everyone else, I’ll keep going to the well hoping to pull up a rewarding movie in the blind hope that somehow the delight and wonder I felt when I saw The Empire Strikes Back will magically return. I like beating dead horses. It’s fun.

Sue’s rating: Lucas write pretty one day… just not today.

Sue’s review: Hey, since when do Jedi party and how do they know when it’s over?

A long time ago in a galaxy that included lots of disco and polyester, George Lucas created a multi-bazillion dollar franchise with a solemn oath: “I’ll put up with the orange ‘Vaseline’ blob under my landspeeder now, but I swear on my collection of 8-tracks that I’m going to fix it later”.

And the obsession with CG technology was born.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have no quarrel with special effects, whether we’re talking about quidditch in the rain or a tanker truck getting sucked up by that big ol’ tornado in Twister. (I work at a gas station. I positively LIVE to see cinematic tanker trucks go to that Big Kaboom in the sky. Ahhh, sweet satisfaction.) In any case, quality special effects can definitely enhance a movie and lift it from marginal to terrific.

There’s just one thing they can’t — and shouldn’t — do.

Replace the acting.

Thus the fatal flaw of Episode Two — Attack of the Dialogue. It would seem that Lucas couldn’t stand the possibility of the on-screen humans in his employ overshadowing his varied and spiffy arrangements of pixels. And so, either with or without malice aforethought, he wrote cheesier dialogue than you could hope to find at a Midwestern Dairy Convention. Bear in mind that I’m taking this view because the only other alternative is that he honestly thought he was writing great stuff… and I just can’t handle that.

Let me take a moment though to give credit where due. Ewan “My name is Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi” McGregor did his level best to (subversively, I suspect) infuse his character with the occasional hint of emotion — or at least some indication that he was still human even if he was drowning in a sea of blue screens throughout the filming. Christopher “Is I is, or is I ain’t Sithly” Lloyd did the same, making the best out of what he had to work with. Truth to tell, he came across as urbane and creepy — always stellar traits in a villain.

However neither Hayden “Padawan Pouty” Christensen nor Natalie “Senator Cradle-Robber” Portman seemed to have the courage or imagination to risk the occasional wink at the audience. This resulted in the absolute worst exchange of fictional romantic banter I’ve ever witnessed. (And when I think back to my guilty obsession with trashy romance novels in the mid-90’s, that’s really saying something!) Picture if you will, that cozy firelight scene of Anakin mistaking acid-indigestion for true love and blaming it all on poor Padme in Lucas-speak. “I’m haunted by the kiss you never should have given me! My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar…” and so on. Now envision a normally introverted 30-something chick in the sixteenth row, stomping her feet and yodeling like a hyena on amphetamines and you’ll have a pretty good mental image of my AOTC theater experience. I’m surprised I didn’t get kicked out.

Gee, you’d almost think I didn’t actually like this movie, wouldn’t you? Thing is, I did.

Star Wars and all that goes with it is a lifelong friend, and while good friends routinely tease the living snot out of each other (in my experience), they also make allowances. I honestly had a great time watching this movie. There was plenty of action, much less bureaucratic waffling than in The Phantom Menace and the battlefield choreography landed me with the most over-stimulated brain cramp I’ve had since the opening ten minutes of Moulin Rouge! I’m even going to overlook the whole space-is-a-vacuum thing and say that the shock waves and lethal uber-twangy noise of Boba Fett’s seismic charges were the ultimate in cool. And Dooku’s sail ship? I’d trade my purple Neon in for one of those in a heartbeat. This movie was fun, dagnabit.

For all its flaws, from a sheer entertainment standpoint, AOTC does pack a nice punch — or at least a friendly nudge. But guys? If you ever need a good pick-up line, please don’t ask George!

Intermission!

• The shadows of Anakin and Amidala talking on Tatooine… calling back the image of young Anakin’s shadow on the same wall for the promo posters of The Phantom Menace
• Jedi furniture ain’t comfy
• The Chancellor’s guard — it’s the uber-cool red suited Emperor’s Guard from Return of the Jedi!
• So, what is it with aliens and facial hair — two major CGI aliens in this flick had some rather noticeable scrubs.
• A fighter that piggybacks on a star drive — cool!
• Obi-Wan has an arm-hacking problem in bars… what’s up with that?
• Awesome sounds of the sonar bombs going off
• Anakin and Amidala rolling in the hay… ack
• Check out the original Tatooine set, plus a pre-married Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru!
• Is that… Jimmy Smits? With a goatee?
• This is the first Star Wars film in which the camera pans up after the opening text scroll. In all the other Star Wars films, the camera pans down after the opening text.
• There’s a pod racing game in the back of the bar
• This is the first Star Wars film in which Yoda (Frank Oz) is entirely computer-generated. Oz was only required on the set to help the actors with the voice of Yoda.
• [spoiler] Was anyone else expecting Jango’s head to fall out when Boba picked up his helmet?
• The “death stick” dealer who goes home from the bar to rethink his life is Matt Doran, aka Mouse from The Matrix. The Woman in the Red Dress is also present in the bar.
• The typeface used in the SW universe is called Aurebesh. If you look at the display over Obi Wan’s shoulder as he comments on Anakin being on Tatooine instead of Naboo, you can kind of make out “Anakin Skywalker” written in Aurebesh. This opens the doors for all kinds of gags that have probably been hidden all over the place.
• As Yoda meditates, you can hear Qui Gon’s voice calling out to Anakin as he fights the Tusken Raiders
• The Death Star!
• The rainbow behind the Skywalkers in the end shot is not an effect, it’s real.
• Jango bangs his head as he enters the Slave I.
• Luke’s speeder and several Correlian freighters (like the Millennium Falcon) make their way into background shots at different points.
• Yoda asks a student named Liam to dim the lights at the academy… a little tribute to Qui Gon actor Liam Neeson?
• Among many cast and crew cameos, Anthony Daniels (C3PO) and Ahmed Best (Jar Jar) are seen unmasked in the nightclub scene.
• Dooku’s bent lightsaber… how wierd is that? I kept thinking it looked like a shower head.
• No wonder Yoda doesn’t want older students… even the kids are bigger than him!
• It is hinted at that the Jedi are losing their hold on the Force, which is pretty chilling foreshadowing of the Jedi extermination to come.
• Artoo CAN climb stairs!
• Who hands the future Emperor all his future political powers? Freaking JAR JAR.
• Was anyone else chuckling at Anakin’s nightmare scene in bed?
• WhoRule200 writes in: “As Count Dooku knocks down obiwan and is about to finish him off then Anakin blocked Dooku’s attack, it is exactly like when Darth Vader stops Luke from striking the emperor.”
• Ash writes in quite a few notes: “Big pimpin Mace windu not only has a purple sabre, his purple sabre has the *first* golden handle in the Star Wars series… Obi-wan is staring at a bust of Qui Gon Jin in the jedi archives… The resemblance between Palpatine’s office and the throne room in he death sat, all the way down to were the guards stand, the large window behind the throne, the throne itself and the two sets of stairs, one on either side.”
• I like how they show the tips of the Corsucant buildings in the clouds… oooh pretty
• Would Amidala STOP it with the “wearing disguises” thing? She’s so self-centered!
• So… they’re just gonna leave those corpses lying there on the landing pad? I guess they are.
• So Jar-Jar is more or less responsible for creating the Empire? I knew it!
• The Tatooine garage in which Luke cleaned the droids in Star Wars was rebuilt for this movie, but not completely: while the foreground and background were complete sets in the original film, only the foreground was rebuilt for Episode II; the background is digital.
• Samuel L. Jackson says he uses a purple lightsaber but that fans shouldn’t speculate endlessly about why. He just thought it would look cool so he asked George Lucas if he could have one and, eventually, Lucas agreed.
• Is it just me, or has John Williams finally run out of new things to do with the classic theme? All I heard was some noodling around on the old music and a bunch of formless tunes that nobody will be whistling 20 years from now.

The ‘Yoda’s Cane’ Theory

• Justin: There’s a lot of debate on why Yoda hobbles around on a cane, yet doesn’t need any help to transform into a little green rabbit when fighting with a lightsaber. That this is an intentional move on the filmmakers’ part is to be sure, and here is my theory on it. I think that Yoda doesn’t even need the cane at all, but uses it as subterfuge to get his enemies — and friends — to underestimate him. Jedi are known to be wily and elusive when it comes to straightforward honesty (Yoda and Kenobi both kept secrets from Luke). In Empire, Luke’s whole introduction to Yoda was based around Luke underestimating this little, weak old muppet. I feel that that was definitely intentional on Yoda’s part. Nobody suspects a green midget to be the best lightsaber fighter and most powerful force user, but there ya go. Plus, maybe he just feels the cane lends him an air of wisdom.
• PoolMan: I dunno. It seems to me that if you’re the head of the Jedi Council, and all the Masters refer to *you* as “Master”, hobbling slowly around on a cane to make yourself seem less than you are is not only deceitful, it’s not that effective. Even if you’re only one of the aliens in the bar on Coruscant, if you know Yoda’s name, you know he’s got some seriously heavy power on his side. It’s like seeing Bruce Lee with his arm in a sling, you’re still pretty aware that he’s perfectly capable of kicking your butt. I think the real explanation is that he’s capable of fighting the way he does, but only in sprints, and the rest of the time, he’s showing his full centuries’ worth of age. Didn’t anyone else notice the way he huffed and puffed during and after the duel with Dooku, or the way he grunts with effort scooting himself around on Dagobah? Limping around on the cane is his everyday way of moving, but when he absolutely HAS to get around faster, he’s got the force in his step. A little force lift here, and force push there, and he’s hopping around like Dna on Jolt Cola. In any event, no matter what you attribute it to, watching the Master display his skill is still some kind of fun!
• Clare: George Lucas is lazy and has lost his vision.

Groovy Quotes

Anakin: I don’t like the sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating — not like you. You’re soft and smooth.

Yoda: Begun this clone war has.

Amidala: Your not all-powerful, Ani.
Anakin: Well I should be.

Obi-Wan: Your clones are very impressive.
Jango Fett: They’ll do their job well.

Dealer: You wanna buy some death sticks?
Obi-Wan: You don’t want to sell me death sticks.
Dealer: I don’t wanna sell you death sticks.
Obi-Wan: You want to go home and re-think your life.
Dealer: I want to go home and re-think my life.

Anakin: You call this a diplomatic solution?
Amidala: I call this aggressive negotiations.

Anakin: [being bound in chains] We decided to come and rescue you.
Obi-Wan: [looking at his own chains] Good job.

Jango Fett: I’m just a simple man, trying to make my way in the universe.

C-3PO: I’ve had the most peculiar dream.

Anakin: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

[to Anakin]
Obi Wan: Why do I get the feeling you’ll be the death of me?

Yoda: Lost a planet Master Obi-wan has, how embarrassing.

Anakin: I…I killed them. I killed them all they’re dead, every single one of them and not just the men but the women, and the children too. They’re like animals and I slaughtered them like animals. I hate them.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Phantom Menace
• The Empire Strikes Back
• Return of the Jedi