“You’re the last one of your friends alive. You’re the bait.”

Justin’s rating: Beware the Sea Pig!

Justin’s review: If you think that slashers charged into the ’80s with a fully refined template of what they were all about, then all I have to disabuse you of this notion is to show you the sloppy, bizarre mess of entries from the first few years of that decade. You’ll quickly get the sense that nobody had any real idea what they were doing… but they were enthusiastic about it.

A prime exhibit of this is The House on Sorority Row, which somehow mixes clowns and petulant partygoers together and asks us, politely, to care. I care, but then again, I care about killer tomatoes and time-traveling slackers, so my taste is very much in question.

It’s graduation week at Grim Mortality University (go Reapers!), where seven irresponsible sorority sisters stay behind to throw one last rager. This is somewhat thwarted by their dour house mother, whose anti-party attitude ends up with her getting shot and then stashed away at the bottom of an unused swimming pool in the backyard. We might look at this event as foolish and sure to result in many life sentences, but when you’re wasted and on the verge of adulting, it’s the best idea ever. Surely there won’t be any comeuppance!

Oh wait, there’s comeuppance! And it arrives as all judgment must one day — in the form of an elaborate clown costume. It may not make much sense, but think about it. If the last thing you saw was a killer clown intent on removing your upper and lower intestine, you’re not going to be critiquing the logic of it all. You’re going to wet your pants and then become another slasher movie statistic.

Thus, the seven girls try to uncover who the twist killer is while getting picked off over the course of a never-ending party. That they’re all saddled with guilt and at least second-degree murder charges means that we might feel a little conflicted hoping that they’ll live to the final credits. So it’s a bit of a whodunnit on top of the slasher formula, even if the eventual reveal isn’t quite earned.

Yes, this is a precursor to I Know What You Did Last Summer, coupling group freakouts with mind screws and homicidal revenge. The sorority girls are, if not likable, at least somewhat watchable, even if the Final Girl is pretty obvious right from the start.

I don’t know what standards you use to judge a slasher, but it’s probably some combination of memorable villain, creative kills, crazy twists, and likable characters. The House on Sorority Row doesn’t exactly fail at these, but it doesn’t succeed, either. Other than hosting a largely female cast, there isn’t much to recommend this above the many other ’80s slashers out there. It was remade in 2009 as Sorority Row, which ended up being even more forgettable, effectively ending any attempt to turn this into a franchise.

Intermission!

• The 1960s only allowed blue light
• All good slasher movies begin with a packing and manipetti montage
• That is one disgusting pool
• Girls don’t love it when you try to kiss their neck while randomly firing a handgun
• “I want to thank you for helping me become who I am today… wasted!”
• Sorority girls drink from beer steins, who knew?
• Creepy “look at pictures” music
• Canes and water beds are natural enemies
• I would not get anywhere near that vile pool
• Just call the cops if you want them to leave, it’s not that hard
• Dang, she hopped out of the pool incredibly quick
• Does no one think that a dead body may, y’know, float? Because Slater totally does.
• I think these frat guys have an average age of 47
• Canes can easily go right through a neck
• Yes, let’s throw each other in the murder pool
• “Everything’s coming up roses” is an awfully stupid theme for a graduation party
• Finally, a SMACK down
• Who would laugh at a clown jack-in-the-box?
• This sorority party never, ever ends, does it?
• Secret attic room! Yes, let’s explore that with a candle, shall we?
• MURDERED BIRD!
• Shoving a dumpster right into a campus security car may not be the best move if you’re trying to hide bodies
• Two sorority sisters can easily dig a six-foot grave in no time
• A drug trip is quite the choice for a finale
• Nice vertigo cam in the hallway