Josh’s rating: Deep Blood is one of the most boring shark movies I have seen. Scratch that, it is one of the most boring movies I have ever seen, period. I am flabbergasted, which is a state in which I seldom find myself, that it is even possible to make a boring shark movie.

This film is devoid of humor or romance or family tension that would fill in the gaps between shots of waving sea grass that make up a quarter of the movie, despite the film maker’s feeble attempts to add them. It’s not often that I tell anyone to simply stay away from a movie, but I am saying it now.

Stay away, consider this a “beach closed” sign and set your umbrella up somewhere else.

Four buddies encounter an old Native American by a campfire who tells them of an ancient evil taking the form a powerful beast. Only through the bonds of friendship can this evil be destroyed. Then he gives them a piece of wood carved with a map of some kind to track the beast. They immediately bury it along with the knives they all had for some reason.

Ten years later the gang is back together for the summer and something is lurking in the waters off the Mississippi beach town where they live. When the creature comes for one of them, it is time to dig up the map and put a stop to the evil. Sounds okay, right?

Joe D’Amato, credited as one of two directors on this Italian Jaws ripoff, is responsible for some truly insane low-budget trash flicks and adult features going all the way back to the early ’70s. This is one reason I am so surprised at how extremely dull this movie turned out. I am assuming he came in to give a hand to first-time director Raffaele Donato because things weren’t going so well. It didn’t help! This is Donato’s only directing credit as well as the only one for writer George Nelson Ott, whom I am assuming is just a made-up person.

Let me at least attempt to inject some positivity into this review. The performances here are actually not that bad considering they are working with essentially nothing. As mentioned previously, the director(s) attempted to give their characters depth by adding in some flimsy backstories that are never really explored. Thus, the characters remain shallow like the pool they used to film some of the underwater scenes.

Miki (Frank Baroni) blames his father for his alcoholic mother’s untimely demise. This is wrapped up literally two seconds after we learn about it. Cort McCown plays Allen, who has a father that is controlling his life. That story line goes nowhere. He also has a love interest, Eve, who might as well not even be there as she has so little to do with the story. There is a moment where an unjustified argument between Allen and Eve is just forced into the movie and is resolved with no work whatsoever just as quickly as it arrived.

Miki’s rival, Jason, has hounded him for what seems like his whole life. So much so that Miki tries to throw a spear through his head. That’s OK, though, because after he witnesses Miki failing to kill the shark, they are immediately best bros.

And so on and so on. Even when given the opportunity to introduce a tough emotional scene into the film, they shy away. Instead we get a shot from 100 yards away of the local sheriff telling a man his son, one of the four main characters, has died. No dialog, not even a shot of the man’s face.

There isn’t even any gore in this shark movie! The body count is also very low — I’m talking single digits. If you are making a Jaws clone, you go into it knowing that you will never be able to create that kind of suspense so you best increase the body count and dial up the gore! If you can’t do that, you slather it in humor or nudity. THIS HAS NONE OF THAT. Instead, the audience is subjected to stock footage of sharks from nature documentaries and pink food dye clouds next to a person splashing.

Frankly, I am not sure what else to say. You would have a better time just watching Blue Planet. I’m serious.

Intermission!

• Starting the movie with a shot of a wiener. What can go wrong from here?
• Which of these children brought the butterfly knife? What’s this kid’s home life like?
• Bolo tie alert!
• Did this kid just throw his used towel into the engine of his truck and shut the hood?
• How does everyone just have access to dynamite?

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