” I’m sixteen. It’s time I experienced life; did things. I’m a young woman in full control of her physical being.”

Justin’s rating: I just want to run my hands through those spikes. Just once. Then, I will have lived.

Justin’s review: Quite often when I’m perusing my massive “to review” list or flipping through streaming service menus, I find that my taste runs to something simple — something breezy, fun, and enjoyable with likable characters. Laughs are a plus. No downer endings, no massive amounts of crudity or gross-outs, and no ponderous life lessons. And you’d be surprised how hard it is to find movies with that criteria, even if you’re willing to wade into the shallower narrative waters.

These movies are refreshing, so I always keep an eye out for them and try to sprinkle them into my watching routine at a regular cadence to keep my brain sane. That’s a lot of burden to place on a film like Breaking All The Rules, especially since it did want to be oh-so-breezy, but it faltered and stuttered in the execution.

After all, what’s more fun than spending the last day of the season at an amusement park with four teens, three thieves, and a stolen diamond caper straight out of Hardy Boys?

Daydreaming goofball Jack (Carl Marotte) wants to make his final hours at Fun Park memorable before he returns to school. So he plans a day with his best bud David (Thor Bishopric), who’s the poster boy for repression. As they head there, they bump into punk presenting Debbie (Carolyn Dunn) and Angie (Rachel Hayward) and strike up a double romance.

But their day at the amusement park gains an unexpected complication as Debbie wins a stuffed animal with a diamond inside. Why a diamond? Because some thieves stole it from an incredibly lightly guarded display at the park and hid it there. Why was a big fat diamond hanging out at an amusement park? Because plot convenience.

So while the teens try to fan the flames of their budding passion, there’s a lot of nonsense with the thieves trying to get the diamond back and the cops suspecting Jack.

Much like cotton candy and funnel cakes, Breaking All the Rules is sweet empty fluff. It’s seven idiots of varying degrees spending the day in a very ’80s amusement park, a bunch of bad and a few good gags, some lighthearted hormonal adventures, and outlandish characters. Plus, there’s the joy of getting to watch Debby’s spiky hairdo change in lengths depending on the scene. I liked that we got to spend just as much time with the girls as with the guys — feels like there’s a good balance here

There’s absolutely zero subtlety as these teens try to figure out who’s right for who and lecture each other about romance and sex without having the first clue what they’re saying. And this being a Canadian comedy, there are occasional bits of R-rated content sprinkled into an otherwise PG tale.

Unfortunately, some of those R-rated parts venture right over into the forbidden land of sexual assault. Yeah, it’s that bad aftertaste that some ’70s and ’80s comedies left as a legacy, and seeing the guys look up girls’ skirts or Jack shoving his hand down Angie’s dress isn’t anywhere near the lighthearted boys-will-be-boys vibe that this movie suggests.

A very mixed bag this may be, Breaking All The Rules still filled the bill of “breezy, fun, enjoyable” for the braindead. Call it an extremely low-rent Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and don’t take relationship advice from anyone in this film.

Intermission!

• Driving go-karts takes a certain fashion style
• Amusement parks do not seem like the safest place for gigantic diamonds but what do I know
• ‘Now Serving 90″
• “Don’t hurt him!” says the one thief about the… stuffed animal
• Thieves should learn how to sew and stitch, it comes in useful
• The dad really, really liked shopping for school supplies
• The book Sudden Coronary Death looks like a page-turner
• “This will be a moving experience for the both of us.”
• A tall glass of pills… and cabbage juice
• “What’s the matter with you?” “I OD’d on health.”
• “This sucks a big one.”
• “What did your mother say?” “She said something about God and then she fainted.”
• Amusement park montage to an AOR song!
• “It’s special.” “It’s anti-social.”
• Bumper cars is not the romantic ride you might think it is
• It’s a stuffed mouse massacre
• That’s the worst attempted kiss ever
• The girl’s room has a lot of graffiti
• The little kid getting reeled into the tree, that’s sharp parenting
• Zippers can break really easy
• This may be the first movie I’ve seen where the love scene was set to a military drumroll
• It’s really easy to jump out of a rollercoaster harness and back into one
• I suspect David’s entire role is ADR
• “You love my underwear…?”
• And now for some random breakdancing