“My god! Do we really suck or this guy really that good?”

Shalen’s rating: BANG

Shalen’s review: This was not at ALL what I expected.

I mean, yes, I was looking for a brainless actioner, and this is indeed a film both brainless and involving many violent situations. That doesn’t begin to describe all the other wackiness involved here. The elements of the “plot” are utterly goofy and frequently crass, but I’ll try and summarize more or less:

A bunch of guys are trying to chase down and shoot a pregnant lady in a laboratory smock, but run into an obstacle in the form of lanky, depressed bystander John Smith, who is eating a carrot at a bus stop past which said pregnant lady runs. He promptly jumps in on her side, delivers her baby,* and disposes of henchpersons using both the carrot and various guns. Despite this skillset, he is unable to prevent her from being shot in the head, which leaves him saddled with the baby.

The rest of the movie is him trying to keep the baby alive while finding out why people want to kill it. He does this with the help of a French lactating hooker** and while pursued by a creepy pervert with glasses and a goatee, someone on the production having decided that a man who supervises henchpersons for a corrupt American senator should look as much as possible like middle management at a technology company. This hench manager enjoys groping dead pregnant women and is frequently on the phone to a shrill and controlling stay-at-home wife (ha ha!).

Meanwhile, the movie goes over-the-top in all kinds of other ways, from the aforementioned hooker concept to the scene where John puts the baby into an empty bathtub, starts having sex with the hooker, then shoots a number of henches who arrive suddenly without stopping the aforementioned activity. The scene is all kinds of stupid and so are many, many other things that happen in this movie.

Whether or not you’re likely to enjoy this trash depends on your appetite for same. Do you think the lactating hooker concept is funny? Do you feel that dirty diapers are inherently funny? How about the F-word? Or carrots? If you answered “no” to any of the foregoing, or if you prefer movies you watch to have dialogue that in any way resembles normal human speech, you’re going to want to either refrain from watching this or watch it under the influence of powerful drugs so that you won’t remember anything afterwards.

I’m pretty sure that’s what the director did.

* She’s in labor for perhaps thirty seconds, giving most female members of the audience a good reason to cheer on the guys who shoot her.
** And thank you so much to the dirty old men who run Hollywood for introducing me to that concept.

Didja notice?

• Forget the vest. The baby is obviously made of top-notch plot armor.
• What are the odds of accidentally catching a bullet between the eyes while being carried up a stairwell by someone whose body is between you and the shooters?
• The many uses of carrots.
• That’s clearly a very bright rat. Maybe they let it write the script. Or maybe they should have.
• I was going to say “weirdest brothel room ever,” but that would suggest I knew what the normal standard for brothel rooms was.
• Finding an important clue through necrophilia.
• Best place to hide an infant from someone trying to kill it? Inside a tank, obviously.
• IMDB sez Hertz has a Freemasons pin on his coat.
• Carrots are not good for your health, after all
• Guns are good tools for everything, even cutting the umbilical chord
• Couldn’t he just get some baby formula?
• Bullet-proof baby vest? Essential.
• Think that might be the first gun battle scene where the protagonist is simultaneously shooting AND having sex
• Bullet fest!