“Oh, don’t worry, Coach. I know this is going to be a memorable season.”

Justin’s rating: Just say NO to juicing up!

Justin’s review: Sometimes strange flavors go together in delightful ways, and with The Substitute series, I’ve found a delectable taste in combining the inspirational teacher film with the domestic mercenary action flick. Plus, Treat Williams was a surprisingly good fit for the second film, which gave me plenty of motivation to check out the other two sequels he did.

This time around, the setting for this HBO film graduates from a high school to a college. Ex-merc Karl (Williams) shows up to seek out Nicole (Rebecca Staab, The Fantastic Four) the daughter of his old war buddy and pass along a medal. Nicole’s a professor at a college that happens to be dominated by unruly football players — so unruly that they put her in the hospital because she won’t go easy on them in class.

That’s all the incentive Karl needs to pick up a few extra credits as a substitute teacher and investigate what’s happening with these muscle jocks. Because this is 1999, the catalyst here is “steroids,” which is enough to send everyone into a murderous rage and not merely shrink testicles.

And yes, it’s absolutely hilarious to watch this movie get really into the “steroids make you a hooting weightlifting lunatic” mode. It’s hard to take the football players or the mob that’s funding them seriously as threats when they are constantly acting as if Billy Madison is their acting coach.

Treat Williams effortlessly gives us another turn as a very genial man who’s as good of a teacher as he is calmly dispatching much larger guys. When the odds start stacking up against him, Karl calls in his buddies for some extra support and uses all of his combat tricks to turn the tables on his foes. By now in the series, this formula is well-established, and there’s no reason to deviate too far from it.

I do love that we get Babylon 5’s Claudia Christian as one of Karl’s merc friends who does some undercover work in a sports bar. Her sarcasm and action girl persona work well in this film, even if her whole subplot goes absolutely nowhere.

Unfortunately for a movie about intense substitute teaching, there are precious little scenes in classrooms — really, just two. That’s a shame, because Williams is genuinely good in his teacher persona, and we could’ve used more of it. At least he’s good at a spin kick and does his own stunts.

The Substitute 3 isn’t anything outstanding, but it’s a decent slice of ’90s straight-to-video action with a lead star who isn’t — for once — all about swagger and ego.

Intermission!

• Don’t know if I’d want to be suffocated by my friend as a way to die
• Women marry their fathers, it’s a fact
• Flipping off your teacher is probably not a good way to increase your grade
• And now, it’s samurai sword time!
• Pizza places are loaded with improvised weapons
• What’s the point of making your team beat the crap out of each other?
• He has a doctorate in contemporary literature… and became a mercenary?
• Do you remember Cliff Notes? This movie does!
• The very over-the-top reactions of the students is ridiculous
• “Andy, you’re listing to starboard.”
• Gratuitous wet t-shirt contest, as this was HBO
• Her t-shirt got dry fast
• “When you wake up, you gotta juice.”
• Face to the grill, ouch. Although the “after” looks funny as his face turns into a panini
• Did not know you could shoot taser darts from a rifle
• Glasses lenses can be used to cut someone’s throat… I guess?
• That’s the worst game of “little piggies”
• He finally got to use his samurai sword! I’m so happy for him.