“Oh, God, another American.”

Drake’s rating: One banana, two banana, three banana, four.

Drake’s review: You’ve all heard of Bloodsport, right? The story of (real guy) Frank Dux entering and winning a (totally fake) martial arts tournament called the Kumite? It was a pretty big success for Cannon Films in 1988, and it put a certain Jean-Claude Van Damme on the path to ‘90s stardom. It also reinvigorated the martial arts film genre which had had its ups and downs since Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon lit up the big screen and was in a definite lull by the late ‘80s.

Well, even if you’ve never heard of it, Roger Corman certainly had, and the schlock mogul was intent on cashing in on Bloodsport. So he hired former Banana Split Terence H. Winkless* to direct, told him to pack his bags,** and then sent cast and crew to the Philippines so that they could borrow some cameras from Corman’s old buddy Cirio Santiago and get a martial arts flick in the can.

Of course, they needed a star for their movie, preferably someone who could do some cool martial arts things. But Corman budgets being what they were, a star was out of the question. So instead Corman went with a complete unknown.

Which is where Don “The Dragon” Wilson comes in.

Now I know both Justin and I have written a bit here and there on Mutant Reviewers about Wilson, but he was basically a living legend in the kickboxing world with 11 titles, 72 wins, and 48 knockouts to his name. Which is awesome and all, but on the other hand, Wilson had never acted before. Not even in a gorilla costume.***

But being able to act wasn’t really that important to Corman as long as Wilson could throw fast punches and high kicks. And so the kickboxing champion also found himself on a plane to Manila and ready to make his film debut.

Of course a wise producer would probably want to surround Wilson with some established talent just to take the heat off the newbie, but aside from some Filipino veterans and that guy who plays the suicidal day trader in Lethal Weapon (“You’re a psycho-nut cop!”), that really doesn’t happen here. Instead, the cast is primarily made up of other martial artists looking to get into movies as well as a neophyte love interest who has to carry the acting load in every scene she and Wilson are in.

So you might notice than I’m now six paragraphs into Bloodfist and haven’t once mentioned the plot. That’s because you’re a perceptive lot! In fact, in an informal poll of cult movie site fans taken in Justin’s basement, Mutant Reviewers readers scored at the top of every category! So please give yourselves a hearty round of applause and feel free to chant, “We’re number one! We’re number one!”

Aaaand you’re still noticing that I’m not talking about the story, right? Sigh. OK, I asked at the beginning of the review if you had ever heard of Bloodsport, right? Well, Bloodfist is that flick except on a much smaller budget with considerably less talent on every side of the camera. It does have a paper thin murder mystery in it, but honestly that’s not really enough to make Bloodfist anything other than a third-generation photocopy of JCVD’s breakout flick.

That said, it is entertaining, in a kind of “I can’t sleep, what’s on Cinemax?” way, which is how I saw several of Wilson’s movies back in the ‘90s. Don Wilson plays Jake Raye, a karate instructor coming to Manila to find out who killed his brother. There he meets a man named Baby, gets involved in a lethal martial arts tournament, and falls for Baby’s sister Nancy.

And that’s the movie. The martial arts sequences are OK, but nothing special. While Wilson was a legitimate kickboxing champion, he’s still very much cut from that Chuck Norris mold of tournament fighters, so his kicks and punches are not yet the big, dynamic moves necessary for a movie. Granted, Van Damme certainly lacked the fighting accomplishments of those two men, but, similar to Bruce Lee, he did develop a very cinematic martial arts style that looked impressive on the screen.

Still, everyone has to start somewhere, and for Wilson this was the beginning of a long and very prolific B-movie career. He may have lacked the flashiness of a Van Damme or the incredible abilities of a Jet Li, but he still has that nice guy charisma and some solid moves to get him through the next decade or so of low-budget martial arts flicks that are going to be late night staples.

Unfortunately, as far as I know he never wears a cartoonish gorilla suit. Not even once.

*He played Bingo the Gorilla. No, seriously.

**I don’t have any idea if Winkless packed his Bingo costume or not. I know if it were me, I’d take it everywhere. Heck, I’d wear it everywhere.

***No, I just can’t let this go.

Intermission!

• Starting right off with a kickboxing match.
• However, the winner gets attacked later in a dusty alley. There were lots of those back in the ‘80s.
• Jake arrives in Manila and promptly gets his bag stolen. Karate to the rescue!
• Baby. He’s really named Baby. His parents suck.
• Slow motion aerobic dancing, because this is 1989 darn it!
• Also a purple leotard, for the same reason.
• Baby’s sister is both blonde and flexible, so Don sticks around.
• But she mocks him fro being from the Valley. Like, gag me with a spoon!
• Hey, it’s Billy Blanks from TC 2000! This is also his film debut, and he and Wilson have the best fight in the movie.
• Uh-oh, Baby has to fight Chin Woo…
• Yeah, that went badly. For Baby. Chin Woo did all right.
• Hal sounds like a drunken Yoda.
• There are SO MANY obviously missed punches in this movie. Ah, well, maybe things will get better in Bloodfist II.
• And if not, then there’s always the next six sequels…