“I’m the perfect killing machine, I’ve got no conscience.”

Justin’s rating: It’s a dog eat dog world

Justin’s review: I always feel a little bad for Dean Koontz in that he hasn’t had the same sort of cinematic proliferation or recognition as Stephen King or even Clive Barker. I mean, there’s Phantoms and Odd Thomas — both underratedly good flicks — but Koontz adaptations are usually B-tier at best and not remembered or talked about that often. To help me feel a little better about this fact, his 1988 film Watchers did kick off a four-film franchise that represents some measure of success.

At the onset of this movie, a mysterious laboratory blows sky-high and a yappy dog escapes while some twisted creature screams in the flames. This seemingly innocent-looking golden retriever named Fur Face* sniffs out the nearest Corey — Haim, this time — and embeds itself into a cushy suburban lifestyle.

The only problem is that the hyper-intelligent dog is telepathically linked to a murderous killing machine known as an OXCOM (Outside eXperimental COmbat Mammal) as part of a project to send dogs into enemy camps, get belly rubs, and then draw the aforementioned monster into the place for some light carnage and medium-to-heavy limb shredding. So by adopting the dog, Travis (Haim) is painting a big ol’ bullseye on his community.

The bio-weapons company that developed OXCOM sends a ruthless government assassin named Johnson (the always-entertaining Michael Ironside) to get the animals and eliminate any witnesses. So Corey Haim has to summon all of his wits to overcome his squeaky voice, the leader of the Rasczak’s Roughnecks, and an up-jumped sasquatch with the help of his new dog and his feisty mother.

Watchers may not be original, but its combination of elements does feel fresh. Who doesn’t love a feel-good movie about a teen boy and his super-smart dog? That also features a Fugitive-style manhunt led by a government agent who’s a serial killer? And a hulking monster that rips off heads and plucks out eyes? And small-town law enforcement utterly bewildered at this cyclone of death that’s sweeping through the place? This doesn’t fit well into your clean-cut categories.

While the premise is interesting, the earnest teenage charisma of Corey Haim and the steely-eyed ruthlessness of Michael Ironside makes for an incredibly watchable experience. I’ve been watching too many movies lately with terrible acting that getting not one, but two genuinely captivating performances was a treat to behold.

Watchers has a cool idea, strong acting, and some good-looking cinematography set in the lush Pacific Northwest. About the only downside here is that they couldn’t do the OXCOM monster justice, so we don’t see much of it, and when we do, it’s a letdown. But I thought that the overall package kept up a great pace with enough action, twists, and thrills to keep me glued to the proceedings until the end credits — and maybe into the sequels.

*Seriously, I did not make that up.

Intermission!

• There’s an actor in this movie named “Lala?” That’s not a credit that I can see and refrain from laughing. “Honey! Lala is in this! Tell the kids!”
• Starting a movie with an explosion = always good idea
• The OXCOM is not lacking in the claw department
• I dig Travis’ cool retro red pickup truck
• He doesn’t have a driver’s license?
• Maybe it’s not the best idea to feed a dog chocolate. Just sayin’.
• “I don’t think we’re going to find the eyes.”
• “How smart is this thing?” “How smart’s a crazy person?”
• “No thank you, I don’t want to shake a paw.”
• Genius dog knows who Abraham Lincoln is
• Oh, the era of teen boys and their mullets
• Sure, let a dog in to school, nobody will question it
• That’s a lot of Macintoshes — and a dog that likes to type
• That rope bridge is so dang high, I love it
• A young Jason Priestley!
• “Go, Piggy, GOOOO!”
• The sheriffs storming the school with shotguns is a cool sequence
• When the villain starts talking about crickets, you’re probably going to die
• “Remind me to spank you.”
• Probably the first movie where a dog communicates to a human via Scrabble
• About time we had some booby traps!