“Oh, I just wanted to say good-bye and remind you that the good guys always win, even in the eighties.”

Justin’s rating: Deeds not words!

Justin’s review: Any kid who grew up in the ’80s knew quite well the trend of action cartoons where there’d be some sort of special task force that would always be sent out to battle evil wherever it sprouted. Heck, for most of us it was our #1 career aspiration. I mean, who wouldn’t want a cool custom-made uniform, a code-name, and some trick that made you invaluable to the team? And who wouldn’t want to go out on adventures day after day using non-patented military hardware that could fly, transform, and shoot lasers in the desert?

But then we grew up and found out that Saturday morning television lied to us. There were no cheery heroes jumping into vehicles that would make sweet Christmas presents, there was previous little in the way of world domination to fight, and to be a true first responder, you had to go to a whole ton of school and then work obscene hours. Is there any wonder that we all became depressed?

Yet maybe we weren’t lied to after all, because I found video evidence that such a lifestyle was possible. On this day, I fall to my knees and weep silent tears at the majesty that is… MEGAFORCE. This right here is the reason the ’80s were invented, even if it gets a bit of ’70s disco crud on it.

A secret elite group of multinational tyranny-fighting yahoos, Megaforce is equipped with the best gear and the fifth-best spandex that money can buy. And they’re going to need it all, as one fictional country is getting into it with another fictional country, and the overwhelmed military of the good guys needs Megaforce to come in and sucker the bad guys to cross a border so they can be legally attacked.

Just like G.I. Joe, Megaforce is made up of colorful characters with their own unique slant. There’s sharpshooter Dallas, classical music-loving Zachary Taylor, R&D guru Egg, and others. They’re led by Hunter (Barry Bostwick!), a swaggering scoundrel with a heart of gold and a headband of blue. I love his signature move, which is to kiss his thumb before giving people a thumbs-up when all goes well.

They’ve also got all the fun gadgets, including truck-mounted holograms, “Delta Mark IV” motorcycles with rocket launchers, jets, helicopters, lasers, steath dune buggies, and a huge hidden techno-base deep inside a nuke-resistant cave. I’m sure that someone could pass a productive afternoon trying to tally the materiel and operational costs of everything in Megaforce.

With a plucky can-do attitude that’s so jolly and upbeat you’d assume in this cynical age that it’s a parody, Megaforce rides out to preserve democracy even if nobody acknowledges that they exist (all of the volunteer members are disavowed by their respective country’s government). But they don’t mind, because this job means they get to blow stuff up well and good. And they get to hang out with the bald lady from Star Trek: The Motion Picture, so there are other perks.

I’m not exaggerating. Megaforce was made by a stuntman for stunt people to go absolutely nuts. It’s wall-to-wall explosions, jumps, flips, fights, and scenes that try to one-up what came before. This isn’t even to mention a flying motorcycle scene so realistic, so life-like, that you’ll be rubbing your eyes with disbelief:

Hunter even gets a weird bromance with his evil cowboy counterpart named Duke who was on tap to join Megaforce before he turned to villainy for the benefits. And since nobody in this movie ever gets hurt or dies — these are G.I. Joe rules, after all — we get a rare ending where both sides of this conflict shrug and go, “Eh, no harm, no foul.”

If all this sounds familiar, it might be due to the fact that South Park’s Trey Parker and Matt Stone drew upon their love of Megaforce when creating Team America: World Police in 2004. And just like how all of our cartoons were thinly disguised commercials for toy lines, Megaforce was made in cooperation with Mattel with the hopes that it might spawn a best-selling line. Everyone here really had high hopes that this was going to become something, so much so that a sequel (called Deeds Not Words) was on the cusp of shooting before it got canned.

This is such pure cheesy fun that I instantly fell in love with it. Like, “go out and buy a copy of this, carry it around, and look for any opportunity to show it off even if that means barging into strangers’ homes” in love with it. I honestly didn’t think that something like this was actually made, but I am gleeful that I finally got to witness it. Bad? Sure, but it hustles for it.

Intermission!

• Best opening credits and theme ever? I think so!
• Did he just read the word “comma?” Yup, twice now.
• That model is taking one hell of a beating by those laser tanks
• Dallas! The snake shooter!
• He uses holograms to peep in on a swimsuited beauty, thanks to “INTRO VISION” technology
• MOTORCYCLES VS BEACH BALLS
• Dang, that Disneyland burn!
• “When a person doesn’t have less on, they have…” “…more on?” “Exactly.”
• The base uses $40,000 worth of mops and brooms to clean
• The base is so cool
• She’s missing the good conduct medal
• The way Hunter scopes her out and then walks away had me laughing
• Megaforce monitors every military installation everywhere? Seems like an intelligence fail of staggering proportions.
• Shag carpeting in a helicopter?
• Holograms can be used to watch cartoons
• Such a romantic parachute scene
• Megaforce has no problems letting you wear the Confederate flag on your uniform, apparently
• That’s a pretty cool combat simulator
• You’ve proved yourself… but you still can’t go on the mission? What?
• Even though you rejected me as a competent soldier on this mission, I’ll still admire you and give you a big smooch? What?
• Tossing knives at each other in the near dark is a good way to pass an airline flight
• The music just got REAL with the preparation montage
• The dune buggy popping a wheelie inside of the plane as it exited
• Haha they actually put a COUNTDOWN CLOCK on the screen during the four-minute battle
• Megaforce’s helmets have communication cords coming out of the side of them
• A giant fueling station for motorcycles in the desert that doesn’t take American Express
• Not many movies have the bad guy taking a break to just pal around with the hero for a while
• “Son, we’re flying so low that every time we pass a jackrabbit, I’m looking at him square in the eye.”
• Activating stealth mode makes a whole lot of noise
• FLYING MOTORCYCLE