Red Snow (2021) — Can a vampire be your muse?

“Y’know, I’ve seen a gang of vamps rip a man’s head off. Then kick it ’round in a circle like a hacky sack. Just for fun.”

Tom’s rating: On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me nine out of twelve cups of pig’s blood!

Tom’s review: My wife and I like a good, low-budget Horror Comedy, especially when it comes gift wrapped with a festive holiday skin. That’s right! Joining the likes of Krampus, Jack Frost, and Silent Night Deadly Night comes a new contender, Red Snow. *Cue blood oozing over snow*

It’s a short, enjoyable watch over on Freevee right now, and you won’t even mind the ads since the movie itself is only around 80 minutes long. We even had to pause it for a bit because my oldest was getting sucked in to the movie after the first ten minutes and needed to get to work. *pause* GET TO WORK, KID! This holiday horror cheese is for me and the wife only!

Anyway, after a quick opening vampire murder scene, the movie cuts away to Olivia, our main actress in the movie as she dons an ugly Christmas sweater and taps away on her laptop crafting a novel. It is, indeed, a very Hallmark-Channel-esque opening, until we see Olivia has also decorated her tree with fake vampire fangs, has a hardback copy of 100 Vicious Little Vampire Stories, and the novel she is writing is indeed a vampire novel of her own. Unfortunately, Olivia obviously has a drawer full of rejection letters, is obviously struggling, and her sister obviously doesn’t approve of her career choice.

I did mention this was Hallmark-esque movie, right?

When what comes rapping on Olivia’s window late at night, but, not Santa with his reindeer, but a jump-scare as a bat crashes into her window. What luck! Outside on her porch she finds, on this beautiful snowy Tahoe night just four days before Christmas, a badly injured bat. Olivia does what any aspiring vampire novelist would do, and boxes the poor creature up in a gift box, gives it a little cap full of water to drink, applies the teensiest of tiny Band-Aids to cover its horrible boo-boo, and puts the vermin out in the garage with a Christmas get well wish.

Imagine Olivia’s surprise and elation when she finds a badly wounded naked man in her garage the next day, baring his fangs and desperately pleading for blood. Imagine Olivia’s trepidation when a creepy “private investigator” comes to her door shortly after asking a lot of questions about vampires. Of course she covers up the fact that she has a vampire in her garage. OF COURSE SHE DOES!

A quick trip down to the butcher for some meat and several containers of pig’s blood gets Luke, our naked vampire, back into action. Olivia also supplies Luke with a box of old clothing from her mom’s house, and, yes, for half the movie, Luke wears old grandma clothes like a boss.

Olivia can’t contain her excitement and fashions a quick cross out of bamboo sticks and tape for her protection and wanders in to talk with her vampire in the garage, wearing the most amazingly huge cheesy grin on her face. She’s a fan, needless to say, and up until yesterday, she thought the subject of her fascination was only fictional. She has a 1,000 questions for Luke, who, in a typical Hallmark-esque plot twist, falls in love with Olivia.

After accidentally murdering the private investigator with Luke, Olivia freaks out and locks Luke in the garage for a couple days, but to win back her good graces, Luke offers to read Olivia’s failing novel and comes up with a long list of ways to fix it. It works. Unfortunately Luke’s lady vampire and his bestest vampire buddy come spoil the party. The last half of the movie is a pretty fun ride, so I won’t spoil it completely for you.

I will say, since it’s obvious, Olivia ends up on top and her vampire novel, Season’s Bleedings, becomes a big hit. I gotta say, Olivia is a bit of a girl boss and rules her Hallmark story. You’ve gotta see the ending to believe it.

Seasons bleedings to you all!

Didja notice?

  • I don’t know about this warming up of pigs blood in a microwave… wouldn’t it coagulate?
  • Hacky sack with a human head is something I hadn’t considered
  • Candy Elves are 100 percent real, I don’t care what anyone says
  • Luke is right, Vladimir is a lame vampire name.
  • Why are passwords to devices always so easy to figure out?

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