A beloved Christmas story written in 1843. A film version made in 1938, available for free on On Demand. Friday night, beer, wine and a sausage pizza. A joint collaboration by Drew, Lady Luck, and Baby Luck (whose creative contributions were minimal but whose inspiration proved invaluable).
Let’s get our Christmas on, kids.
[0:03] Drew: Sweet, the old-school MGM lion! The one that looked like it would rip your face off if you didn’t sit through the entire movie.
[0:05] Tiny Tim: Oh, no thank you, guv’nor. I’m not very good at running. See, my father took an extra lump of coal last Christmas and Mr. Scrooge broke my leg in three places. He… he was right to do it, sir.
[0:06] Lady Luck: Is Scrooge’s nephew supposed to be so flamboyantly gay?
Drew: Well, or a 1930s actor playing an Englishman. Same difference.
Lady Luck: Either way, he needs to lay off the eye shadow.
[0:07] Drew: Doesn’t it kind of defeat the purpose to have a fat guy playing Bob Cratchit? I guess that second chin explains why Tiny Tim has nothing to eat.
[0:09] Drew: It is pretty hilarious to see Bob actually reaching into the fire to pull lumps of coal back out. Whh-pssh!
[0:11] Drew: I want to be a Hollywood screenwriter in the 1930s. Take a popular book, copy the dialogue literally word-for-word, submit that bitch, and wait for your Oscar. Works for me.
[0:13] Lady Luck: Uh, Scrooge’s pants are WAY too tight.
Drew: Wow, he is sporting a little moose knuckle, huh?
Lady Luck: No, that’s the weird part, he isn’t… somehow he’s got camel toe.
[0:24] Drew: These are some pretty decent special effects for 1938. Oh, but hold up- I didn’t realize the English police force of the 18th century was comprised entirely of oversized leprechauns. “Now Mister Scrooge, don’t yeh be callin’ us for any more false alarms, or I’ll break me shillelagh on yer ‘ead. Run along now.”
[0:29] Scrooge: Couldn’t I take all three at once and have it over?
Drew: Ah, how many an adult film star has uttered those words…
[0:31] Drew: Whoa, the Ghost of Christmas Past is hot!
Lady Luck: Maybe Scrooge thinks Cratchit is trying to get his job back by hiring him a stripper.
Drew: He does look like he wants to do the nasty with the Past-y.
[0:35] Drew: “Whatever, I didn’t want to go home for Christmas anyway. I’d rather stay here and study so I can graduate with honors.”
Lady Luck: Hey!
Drew: Don’t worry, you got honors without having to skip Hanukkah. You’ll never be visited by three spirits teaching you how to make oil last for 8 days.
[0:39] Drew: Wait, they skipped the entire subplot with Scrooge’s fiancee leaving him because he’d grown obsessed with money. This movie has ten [expletive deleted] minutes of Bob Cratchit throwing snowballs and they cut that scene? Weak.
[0:41] Scrooge: Have you had many brothers, spirit?
Ghost of Christmas Present: A huge number, some… eighteen hundred.
Lady Luck: Perhaps mommy and daddy needed to invest in something called contraceptives, hmm?
Scrooge: Did you say walk, or fly?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Touch my p- robe. My robe. *ahem* Touch it now.
[0:42] Scrooge: What do you sprinkle from that horn that made them stop quarreling?
Drew: Uh, Scrooge, it‘s vodka. 180 proof.
Lady Luck: No, I think he’s actually getting them stoned. His “Christmas spirit” is the ganja.
[0:47] Lady Luck: My, that’s awfully enlightened of Fred to say a priest has no soul.
[0:48] Drew: Mrs. Cratchit, you need a way more supportive bra than that.
Lady Luck: She does have quite the large knockers, doesn’t she?
Drew: Yes, but not the good kind.
[0:51] Bob: There never was such a goose. And reasonable, too.
Tiny Tim: I- I’d like to stroke it!
Lady Luck: Whoa! Inappropriate at the table, Tim.
[0:54] Tiny Tim: I’m sure I’m going to burst!
Bob: Not in here, my lad, if you want to burst you go outside.
Lady Luck: Dammit, Tim, what did I just say?
[0:55] Fred: QED, he punishes himself.
Lady Luck: “QED”?
Drew: Yeah, it basically means “ergo.”
Lady Luck [glaring]: …I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear what my unpretentious, not-foolish husband just said.
Drew: Uh, I said I don’t know what it means.
Lady Luck: Good, neither do I.
[1:01] Drew: So I guess Bob Cratchit finally ate Tiny Tim? That’s a shame.
[1:05] Drew: I get that Scrooge is all freaked out at seeing his grave, but I don’t understand why he thinks mending his ways is going to change that. I know in the original story he’s upset about the lack of mourners, but here’s it’s like he thinks he’s discovered the secret that, hey, good people never die.
[1:07] Lady Luck: They really have a thing for showing geese with their feet still attached and their necks swinging to and fro, don’t they? Gross.
[1:09] Scrooge: Merry Christmas, Bob! Here, give this to your wife.
Bob: Well, let’s see- you fired me yesterday, then you barged into my home uninvited, shoved a giant dead bird in my face, and ordered my wife to disembowel it. Sure, why not?
[1:10] Drew: How mean must you have been for a warm greeting on your part to make a wife hide in the pantry and tell her husband to make sure you’re not murdering the children? Ouch.
[1:11] Lady Luck: Well said, Tiny Tim. Now, maybe after your polio is taken care of Scrooge can get you to an orthodontist, because… damn.
So that’s that. We hope you enjoyed this brief look into our dull, everyday home life, and we wish you all the best in the coming year. Happy holidays!