You know, I really love Firefly. And who doesn’t? Show’s been dead for a long time now, but it still represents the high-water mark for a certain kind of TV science fiction and likely always will. Lightning in a bottle there: the right writers, the right producers, the right actors all coming together to deliver a genuinely extraordinary work of drama and vision.

What a pity it was the wrong network, eh? And a cordial “screw you” to Fox on that.

Anyway. Somebody over at Syfy (for fork’s sake, what is with that crappy spelling?) had some kind of brainwave, I guess. They thought that with centre stage for SF and spaceships at least temporarily vacant, they could edge into that highly desirable territory, capture themselves a shiny new audience.

Wrong. Wrong writers, wrong producers… even (though I hate to say it) wrong actors. This isn’t the new Firefly. I’m maybe four episodes in, and… sorry. It’s a tired, generic rehash of tired generic Sscifi-action tropes. Seriously. Even my 13-year-old son has taken to howling at the screen every time they roll out yet another cliché.

The premise looks good: a mixed crew wakes up from cold sleep on a spaceship in imminent danger. They can’t remember who the hell they are, and they have to work together to survive and rediscover… well, whatever. I mean — that ought to be a sound sort of basis for a show, right?

Look closer. First of all, there’s the “amnesiac” trope. If it was the only overused element, I’d be okay with it. It’s there to set up the premise for the show. Fine. But who are these crewfolk? Let’s check them off as they tick the necessary boxes, shall we? I’d do it in order of crew-awakening, but I don’t care enough to remember, so I’ll just call it as I can.

First? There’s that Sensitive New Age Guy. He’s tough but caring with his heart on his sleeve and the crusader’s desire to save all the little people of the galaxy. He’s also got a thing for the captain, but it’s a bit unrequited and gosh, that makes him upset. Oh, he’s also devilishly handsome.

Then there’s the captain: the Tough, Arse-Kicking, No-Nonsense, Take-Charge unfeasibly attractive young woman. And… well, maybe she’ll develop some personal character traits if the series lasts long enough. Right now? That first sentence just summed her up. Or – no. It completely described her.

Next comes the Brash, Gun-Wielding, Self-Centred and Overconfident White Guy Mercenary. Did I mention he loves guns? He loves guns. And he Doesn’t Hold With This Do-Gooder Nonsense, and he knows he should be in charge but That Woman is running things. That’s him. Completely.

After that? There’s the Big Black Guy Who Handles Ships and Machines, and Has Empathy and Insight. What a nice guy he is, yep.

Follow him with the Enigmatic Asian Guy Who Is A Terrifying Master of Kung Fu and Hand-to-Hand Weapons. He sure is inscrutable, that guy, but gee whiz, just look at him chop up the baddies! Oh, and he’s a bit amoral too but he’s got his Martial Code in there. Somewhere.

Let’s see. Who are we missing? Oh, I know! The Quirky Younger Woman Who Has Flashes of Genius and Does Unfeasible Things With Technology At Critical Moments. Oh, and she also has — get this, so edgy — brightly coloured hair!

Of course, any decent spaceship drama needs a robot, right? Enter the Attractive Female Android Who Is So Smart She Can Run The Whole Ship By Herself But Mostly Provides Comic Relief Through Hilarious Misunderstanding Of Human Communications. And I’m gonna stop right there.

Scripts? Generic. Dialogue? Generic, tuned to the generic characters. Action? Generic. Visuals? Generic. Situations? Generic as all hell. Like I said: I’m maybe four shows in, and I have pretty much zero impulse to put the next DVD into the machine.

There’s not much left to say except this: Firefly worked because Whedon and his people gave us fantastic characters to care about from pretty much the first minute of screen time. Original Star Trek worked because of the character interplay between the (then groundbreaking) roles of the command crew. Even Blake’s Seven, operating on a budget somewhere south of the worst years of Doctor Who — even that worked because the characters were more than just generic cutout figures.

I get it. The Dark Matter ensemble is a bunch of people without memories. We’re going to learn about their characters as we go. But you know what? Sorry, Syfy. You actually have to interest me from the first show, and without a single character who isn’t a laughable pastiche of the most generic SF TV of the last five decades, you’ve got no damn hope.