“Uh, ‘scuse me, sir. This is an actual Navy submarine? Not a float in a parade or something?”

Justin’s rating: Never in movie history has a tattoo been mentioned so much

Justin’s review: If I’ve learned anything about the U.S. military from movies, it’s that it absolutely loves loose cannons and maverick commanders who buck the system to “do it their own way.” In this respect, Down Periscope is more like a documentary than a film, a true insight in what makes our fighting force the finest in the world.

Kelsey Grammer took a couple weeks off Frasier to play Lt. Cmdr. Tom Dodge, scourge of the submarine fleet. We’re mostly told, not shown, that Dodge is both capable and unorthodox in his command style, which leads him to taking the helm of the Stingray — a rusty World War II diesel sub that was recommissioned out of spite just for him.

Because Dodge really got on the wrong side of the brass, his boat is stocked with your standard comedy film’s assortment of losers, weirdos, and Lauren Holly looking as if she was kidnapped just to be a romantic interest. These also include such ’90s comedy movie staples such as Rob Schneider (playing an overly uptight XO), Harry Dean Stanton (playing a very old engineer), and Harland Williams (playing a reminder that Harland Williams existed).

The Stingray and her noble crew are sent out to conduct war games against nuclear subs in what must be the most contrived comedic premise of 1996. This setup makes no sense, even when explained by Rip Torn (the least convincing screen admiral I’ve ever witnessed). If Dodge can pull off the impossible feat of meeting his objectives while evading the other subs, he is promised a real command.

What ensues is a tight 90 minute voyage of a submarine if it was crewed by frat boys who think that they’re pirates. By thinking way, way out side of the box, the Stingray scrapes together a victory and makes William H. Macy and Bruce Dern — yes, they’re in this too — grimace in frustration.

Down Periscope may be the only submarine comedy I’ve ever seen. Fortunately, it’s not a half-bad one. It’s one of those ’90s comedies that didn’t really excel but had enough jokes and likable characters as to be an easy watch if it came on cable and you were too far away from the remote to care.

This unusual setup makes sense when you look at the pedigree, as this was written by the guy who did Police Academy and directed by the guy who did the first two Major League movies. We’re not very far from their particular speciality here.

Kelsey is a good fit for the off-kilter Dodge, mixing both smart and sassy the way he did on Frasier. He’s the king of the kooks on this sub, endearing himself to me by how much he enjoyed his crew and looked out for their welfare.

Stanton is a standout as his engineer cackles and snarks his way through what appears to be his 60th tour of duty. And I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but Rob Schneider deserves some praise as the yipping, wound-up executive officer. It fits his personality well and makes him a fun target of pranks and pitfalls for the rest of the crew.

Of course, every character gets their moment to shine, and I thought it was a good touch how genuine camaraderie take roots here. Seeing your characters become friends and have a good time together is what I used to love about comedies like this.

And it’s certainly interesting to see a modern-day crew on a WWII sub as well. Stock footage and models were used for the external shots, but I thought the sets were convincingly cramped and detailed. However, there’s only so much you can do with submarines (see: every other sub movie that hits the same beats), and it’s not like this movie had a high budget for special effects.

So really, this Voyage of the Misfits is going to stand or fall in your estimation based on the ensemble and genial humor. I liked it well enough both times I’ve seen it, although I never laughed out loud because of it. I did experience a moment where I genuinely missed going out to movies to see easygoing fare like this — a staple of the ’90s but sadly extinct today.

Intermission!

• The diesel submarine used in the movie is the USS Pampanito (SS 383), a WWII submarine that completed five tours of duty
• Just because you’re on a submarine doesn’t mean you can’t golf. You just have to be creative.
• “What do you think, Dodge?” “I think I’m going to get my ass kicked, sir.”
• “Do you come with a volume control, Pascal?”
• Nitro is working on a nickname… “Mike.”
• This submarine has cobwebs
• “Everybody, back into the boat.”
• I like how the engineer calmly kicks a leg to keep himself steady while everyone else is falling all over the place during the dive
• “Did we hit an iceberg?” “Off the coast of Virginia?”
• “Mr. Jackson, you look like you could use some fresh air.” “Uh… no?”
• “I never saw this s— on any recruiting poster!”
• A good boat sing can be a diversionary tactic (and Lake has her fingers in her ears)
• Where do you get a pirate flag on a submarine?
• “There was a fingernail in my food! Yesterday, it was a bandaid!” “Sorry sir, the bandaid was holding the fingernail on.”
• Time for some candy product placement
• It’s not a ’90s movie without a giant fart scene
• …and some passionate charades
• …and Harland Williams doing whale noises
• “I’m only out to screw myself. That would’ve screwed everybody.”
• The pirates roping a dead and skinned chicken to their shoulder — “Don’t lose that, it’s dinner.” Actually, all the pirate outfits are great and worth checking out.
• “Sonar? Play me a dirge, matey.”
• “All right everybody, it’s time to KICK THIS PIG!”
• All of the times the comms guy gets electrocuted