X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

xmen origins wolverine

“Ooh, shiny.”

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Gavin Hood and starring Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber and Danny Huston

Summary Capsule: The origin of the mutant known as Wolverine is revealed. Turns out he was a lot moodier back in the day.

Justin’s rating: Dr. Claw would approve.  I, however, do not.

Justin’s review: In lieu of a traditional review, I thought I’d share various thoughts that ran through my head while watching Wolverine and hope that you might learn from the randomness:

“Is the only style of superhero combat where they pose, run at each other, leap into the air like they’re doing ballet and then collide?  Seems inefficient.”

“Young Looking Patrick Stewart is becoming more and more of a creepy cameo.”

“So Wolverine and Cyclops met, but they never knew/remembered it?  Huh.”

“I feel really bad for that farm couple.  Like, REALLY bad.”

“Wolverine never once gives you the impression he’s a heartless animal, no matter how much he and others say it, but just an aw-shucks nice guy with lots of facial hair.”

“Now that my wife has pointed out that both Jackman and Shrieber were in Kate & Leopold, I can’t stop overlapping the two movies in my head!  Help!”

“If you lost your memories, would you leave the only person who obviously knows who you are?  I don’t think so.”

“Deadpool needed more lines.  And his own movie.  Maybe with the Blob as a sidekick.”

“[singing] He’s a lumberjack and that’s okay, he sleeps all night and he goes wolverine-berserk all day!”

“Do superheroes always have to fight when they first meet?  Is it, like, the way they shake hands?”

“Wolvie was wayyy funnier in the first three X-Men movies.  Also, dude, you did that middle-finger-claw thing already.”

Courtney’s rating: There definitely is a God, and She calls Her finest creation Hugh Jackman.

Courtney’s review: Hugh Jackman is the world’s most perfect man. He has the appearance of Adonis and an amount of talent and charisma previously unheard of. He is not just an actor – he is an icon of cinema in the 21st century, he can out-sing the brightest stars of musical theater, and he’s a fantastic dancer to boot. He has vibrantly shined in Hollywood and on Broadway, a feat that few have ever achieved, and he has yet to peak as far as I’m concerned.

The man looks good, whether perfectly trimmed and spruced up to host an awards show or scruffed up and fierce enough to reclaim his place as an action star. If the sight of him doesn’t make you smile or swoon, you must have never learned to appreciate natural beauty. He is a piece of art – his face sculpted by the most skilled angels in Heaven and his body is enough to put Michelangelo’s David to shame. He never fails to capture an audience with his physicality, especially whilst shirtless, skin a-glistenin’ and muscles a-ripplin’ in the light sparkle of sun. And let’s not even mention the fact that he jumps into a waterfall BUTT NAKED.

Because talent and looks are simply not enough, he has been graced with a better personality than a contemporary superstar like him could hope to exude. He can pull off the serious, brooding look in the movies, but in life he has a fantastic, exquisite sense of humor and humbleness. He pulls the purest of emotions out of me. When he laughs, I laugh; when he cries, I cry; when he broods, okay, I don’t exactly brood, but I get a very funny and sensational tickle inside of me like nothing I’ve ever felt before, and I like it. A lot.

To simplify what I think of him, it’s easiest to say that he is the prime male specimen.

But the dialogue in Wolverine was pretty bad and the special effects looked cartoon-y at times.

The Most Beautiful Thing I Have Ever Seen. Absolutely.

Intermission!

  • How awesome the name Victor Creed is?
  • That graceful jump into the waterfall (and all of the glory that happened just before it?)
  • How many times does Wolverine have to walk in front of an explosion? I secretly love it…
  • Blob’s “Save the Whales” shirt? Totally love it!!
  • Ryan Reynolds is pretty hot.
  • So is Taylor Kitsch. And Liev Schreiber. And Daniel Henney. And Dominc Monaghan.
  • Yeah, Lynn Collins is pretty hot, too.
  • Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber are good friends. Jackman asked Schreiber to be a part of the movie. Schreiber was originally intended to play Stryker, but he was more interested in Sabertooth/Victor Creed.

Groovy Quotes

    • Victor Creed: Ooh, shiny.

Logan: You’re gonna die for what you did to her.Victor Creed: Do you even know how to kill me?
Logan: I’m gonna cut your g****mn head off. See if that works.

Wade Wilson: (after eliminating all of the henchmen) Okay, people are dead.

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14 comments

  1. “Do superheroes always have to fight when they first meet? Is it, like, the way they shake hands?”

    Heh. Deadpool himself (sorta) once answered that very question, at the pen of the inimitable Gail Simone:

    “Shhh. I’m gonna tell you a secret. This is something the Avengers won’t tell you. You know why it is that when two super-powered individuals meet, they invariably wind up fighting? We do it because… it’s FUN. And if you had this kind of power, you would, too.”

  2. I love these reviews. They really highlight how insubstantial this movie was.

    What a disappointing movie. Can we pretend Gambit wasn’t even in this one and give him his own movie (with a different actor)? I’d mention Deadpool, but I hear he’s got one in the works.

  3. The Wolverine movie kinda sucked. Crappy effects, Gambit in a throw-away sidekick role, and wolverine walking away from an explosion in slow motion. The biggest travesty of all… an abysmal number of woman eye-candy. All the dudes get is the stock girlfriend and a teen-aged Emma Frost. Tack 4 more years on her and I can get in some guilt-free ogling. I’m not Edward Cullen I want to see a woman!

    Congratulations ladies, you win this one.

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