“Just me doin’ a bit of heavy breathing, baby!”

Justin’s rating: Zero blue monkeys. But one big ol’ insect.

Justin’s review: I don’t know what phase Canada was going through in the ’80s, but apparently it worked itself out through a lot of self-expression in slashers and creature features. And as a cult fan, I’m not complaining, because we now sit on a trove of Canadian horror that was short on budget but big on imagination and fun.

Case in point, Blue Monkey*, which is sometimes more accurately titled Insect! This flick gets off to a quick and strong start, as an elderly man is stung by a strange plant and brought to a hospital where he promptly spits up a giant insect larvae. People are weirded out by this but, in my professional opinion, not nearly enough, as they continue to hang around the place instead of sprinting for the nearest exits.

One bed over from this tableau is a detective who’s been shot, and his partner — Jim Bishop (Steve Railsback, Lifeforce) — gets sucked into the drama as he makes besties with ER doc Rachel Carlson (Gwynyth Walsh, who’s one of the Duras sisters in Star Trek TNG). He gets an unprompted tour of the place, which used to be an insane asylum and still kind of functions as one, considering all of the oddball inhabitants and the weird layout (there’s a maze of subterranean tunnels under it).

The larvae turns into a gigantic killer bug (thanks to a quartet of sick kids who mess with it), people begin getting infected, and the hunt… begins. As I said, Blue Monkey starts strong, but it also trots along at a brisk pace with frequent developments and a raft of enthusiastic actors which includes said kids, a crazy old lady, some of the other doctors, a stingy hospital manager (John Vernon), security guards, a pregnant couple, an entomologist, and more. Plenty of grist for the insect mill.

I’ve seen too many of these b-movie creature features that slow way down due to a lack of budget, but that doesn’t happen here. The hospital setting — an odd one at that — is perfect for an extended bug hunt (with strong shades of Aliens) with just enough interesting rooms and lots of people to protect.

There’s the strange subplot of the larvae-spitting patient starting an outbreak of an unknown disease. This is treated kind of seriously, as more people get infected and scientists declare a quarantine, but it’s a subplot that’s unnecessary and slathered onto what is a pretty basic “killer bug” setup. I guess it explains why nobody can leave the place even as the body count ratchets up.

The plus-sized bug (don’t fat shame it!) heads down into the tunnels with kidnapped prey to cocoon them and lay some eggs of its own. The four kids — who are never once seen supervised — continue to go on deadly adventures in this haunted house, more bugs emerge, and Bishop and Carlson become the front line of defense. Let’s just say that it’s a good thing this hospital has a state-of-the-art laser laboratory in the case of a dramatic showdown!

For what this is and is trying to do, Blue Monkey is quite diverting and hits all of the expected B-movie moments pretty well. My only complaint is that we don’t get to see the full-grown insects until Minute 51, but I was never bored before or after then. The bug suits are big and detailed, and I cared enough about the characters that I hoped they would do the squashing rather than be the squashees.

Thanks ’80s Canada. You did me a solid, so I owe you one.

*The whole “blue monkey” thing comes from a throwaway comment by a kid here and was pretty much the worst term possible to sell this movie. 

Intermission!

• This movie is your reminder that the ’80s mostly had really ugly cars and ugly station wagons.
• If you get stung by a plant in a horror movie, you’re a goner within 45 seconds
• This ER is just one room with a handful of beds where the doctors do everything in the same space
• The hospital used to be an insane asylum? Yeah, that was a good resale.
• LASER RESEARCH LAB GOOOO
• It’s a young Sarah Polley!
• Defibrillators sometimes make people explode
• This lady is the least convincing blind person I’ve ever seen in film
• You could smoke in hospitals in 1987
• Don’t drink lemonade from an entomologist’s fridge
• The pregnant couple are SCTV vets
• “I think we all stop talking and start looking for that thing right now.”
• The basement janitor cracks me up with all his goofy overacting
• Canadians are deadly serious about enforcing quarantine
• “When are they bringing in a tank?”
• Insects giving live birth are kind of gross
• “We could be dealing with 500 of these things?”
• Hiding in a morgue drawer is quite the choice
• The whole bug speech is seriously creepy
• The whole bug room is even MORE creepy
• “Oh my God, they’re still alive!”
• This movie does not skimp on decapitations
• What bullets are Bishop using that cause this many sparks? And why does he blink every time he fires his pistol?
• Bugs often bring their own strobe lights with them for DRAMATIC EFFECT
• I know the bug doc’s name is “Elliot” because Rachel says it like a thousand times
• Elliot! Elliot! Elliot! Elliot! Elliot!
• OK, laser frying the bug is so cool