It’s Fight Week here at Mutant Reviewers and what better way for me to participate than for me to do a viewing of Gymkata? According to my husband (heretofore referred to by his initial, R) it would be for me to do a review of Bloodsport. Unfortunately his suggestion came right before my vacation, which I didn’t come back from until Fight Week had already started, and we already had this viewing of Gymkata halfway done. No, I wasn’t saying “we” as in the Royal We. My husband and I did this one together and had a blast tearing this cult classic to pieces.
1:29 H: I’m confused. Is that gymnastics center in the middle of a spaghetti western set?
2:05: H: I’m having some trouble connecting the running guy and the ninja horsemen to the dude flipping over a bar.
3:05 R: Hey, look! It’s Cobra from G.I. Joe!
4:00 H: Ooh, the agony slo-mo. Now we know it’s a really dramatic moment.
5:48 H: George Michael’s putting his hair in a little braid now. Looks good.
6:40 H: Ok, so instead of sending in, say, the SEALS or Rangers they pick a guy who can do a mean tumble?
R: One gymnast to rule them all.
6:45 H: Ah, I get it. Military action is “out of style”. I didn’t realize national security was an issue for Perez Hilton to decide on.
7:14 R: MORTAL KOMBAT!
8:00 H: But first I use this rope. For sexy time.
8:55 H: Is the man-sized bird really necessary? Is this the whatever-his-nationality-is equivalent to Americans’ ludicrously oversized pickup trucks?
10:10 H: Ah, the long-lost art of holding your left hand still while using your right to flail a blade around between your legs.
11:33 R: AAARGH!
11:35 H: ACK!!
11:39 Both: Uncontrollable weeping.
H: I….I saw hair….*sob*
12:00 H: Easily the most awkward exchange I have ever witnessed.
15:50 Director: No, no! Make it look more foreign! We need more fezzes and Asian-looking rugs.
17:00 R: So they’re already shopping for home furnishings?
19:00 H: Is the “boing” sound effect really appropriate for the “found a dead guy” scene?
21:20 H: The streets of Parmistan are riddled with high bars, complete with hand chalk. Now I get why they sent him.
23:10 Both: Eeaargh!
24:00 H: Good thing she’s wearing her “flee for your life” pantsuit.
28:01 R: I believe ‘ya, but my tommy gun don’t.
28:04 H: Keep the change, ‘ya filthy animal.
30:13 H: “I am ninja, he is ninja, she is ninja, too.”
32:10 H: A little thunder, a little lightning!
33:40 R: What?
34:54 H: And by “king” I mean “Lord Sex-A-Lot” and by “people” I mean “da ladies”.
36:35 R: Look! Was he supposed to run that guy over with his horse?
H: Ooh I don’t know. Maybe not, since the guy in the red’s running over to help him. Gee, I hope he wasn’t hurt in the making of this film. That’s just adding injury to insult.
41:10 R: Cue the nightmares.
43:20 H: He belonged at the Table Of Champions, except he didn’t ’cause he lost. Got it.
49:70 R: Your see-through nightie will protect you!
50:00 H: “When a problem comes along, we must whip it!”
50:03 H: “Whip it good! Mmm…”
50:24 R: Beer bongs at the ready, men!
50:45 R: Three villagers, one tooth.
H: They’re Parmistan’s answer to The Fates.
53:20 R: “My power mullet says otherwise.”
54:54 R: “We’re following the leader, the leader, the leader!”
55:30 R: SAFE!
59:48 H: George, seriously. Stop stroking the rope. It’s making me uncomfortable.
1:03:20 H: ‘Cause that’s what someone does when shot in the chest with an arrow: Stop, Drop and Roll.
1:03:53 H: Morticia!
R: *blank stare*
H: What? You did an esoteric Peter Pan reference. I can do Addams Family.
1:05:52 H: Oh hey, look That block has handles on it, much like a piece of gym equipment, for no apparent reason.
1:10:00 H: This place reminds me of the Ravenholm level in Half-Life 2. Can Father Grigori please show up and start opening fire on the villagers now?
1:10:44 R: Join us…join us…
1:13:13 Both: BWAAAHH
1:13:26 H: Hey, it’s that totally not a piece of gym equipment thing again. But where’s the goat.
R: I bet I know where that goat is.
H: Eck. Do I know you?
1:14:00 H: It wouldn’t be a movie fight if the mob didn’t attack the protagonist one by one.
1:18:29 R: If our neighbors walked by our window right now this soundtrack would sound REALLY inappropriate.
1:20:21 H: Aw now. Things are about to get real. She just stripped down to her Action Pantsuit!
1:22:00 H: His horse is overheating. He really oughta get it to Pep Boys before it blows a head gasket.
1:27:03 H: And so, MacGuyver won Janet Jackson’s heart and saved the aging Columbo’s kingdom from the evil clutches of post-Wham George Michael.
R: …also he apparently invented the Star Wars Early Warning defense system while he was at it.
H: We really should make a movie based on that plot.
R: It would have to be better than the crap we just watched.