Gymkata viewing

It’s Fight Week here at Mutant Reviewers and what better way for me to participate than for me to do a viewing of Gymkata?  According to my husband (heretofore referred to by his initial, R) it would be for me to do a review of Bloodsport. Unfortunately his suggestion came right before my vacation, which I didn’t come back from until Fight Week had already started, and we already had this viewing of Gymkata halfway done. No, I wasn’t saying “we” as in the Royal We. My husband and I did this one together and had a blast tearing this cult classic to pieces.

1:29     H: I’m confused. Is that gymnastics center in the middle of a spaghetti western set?

2:05:    H: I’m having some trouble connecting the running guy and the ninja horsemen to the dude flipping over a bar.

3:05     R: Hey, look! It’s Cobra from G.I. Joe!

4:00     H: Ooh, the agony slo-mo. Now we know it’s a really dramatic moment.

5:48     H: George Michael’s putting his hair in a little braid now. Looks good.

6:40     H: Ok, so instead of sending in, say, the SEALS or Rangers they pick a guy who can do a mean tumble?
R: One gymnast to rule them all.

6:45     H: Ah, I get it. Military action is “out of style”. I didn’t realize national security was an issue for Perez Hilton to decide on.

7:14     R: MORTAL KOMBAT!

8:00     H: But first I use this rope. For sexy time.

8:55     H: Is the man-sized bird really necessary? Is this the whatever-his-nationality-is equivalent to Americans’ ludicrously oversized pickup trucks?

This is by no means the most upsetting of the upside-down-stairs-climbing shots. Thank me.

10:10    H: Ah, the long-lost art of holding your left hand still while using your right to flail a blade around between your legs.

11:33    R: AAARGH!

11:35    H: ACK!!

11:39    Both: Uncontrollable weeping.
H: I….I saw hair….*sob*

12:00    H: Easily the most awkward exchange I have ever witnessed.

15:50    Director: No, no! Make it look more foreign! We need more fezzes and Asian-looking rugs.

17:00    R: So they’re already shopping for home furnishings?

19:00    H: Is the “boing” sound effect really appropriate for the “found a dead guy” scene?

21:20    H: The streets of Parmistan are riddled with high bars, complete with hand chalk. Now I get why they sent him.

Really, all the goon has to do is stand aside ’til the guy wears himself out or falls.

23:10    Both: Eeaargh!

24:00    H: Good thing she’s wearing her “flee for your life” pantsuit.

28:01    R: I believe ‘ya, but my tommy gun don’t.

28:04    H: Keep the change, ‘ya filthy animal.

30:13    H: “I am ninja, he is ninja, she is ninja, too.”

32:10    H: A little thunder, a little lightning!

33:40    R: What?

34:54    H: And by “king” I mean “Lord Sex-A-Lot” and by “people” I mean “da ladies”.

36:35    R: Look! Was he supposed to run that guy over with his horse?
H: Ooh I don’t know. Maybe not, since the guy in the red’s running over to help him. Gee, I hope he wasn’t hurt in the making of this film. That’s just adding injury to insult.

41:10    R: Cue the nightmares.

43:20    H: He belonged at the Table Of Champions, except he didn’t ’cause he lost. Got it.

49:70    R: Your see-through nightie will protect you!

50:00    H: “When a problem comes along, we must whip it!”

50:03    H: “Whip it good! Mmm…”

50:24    R: Beer bongs at the ready, men!

50:45    R: Three villagers, one tooth.
H: They’re Parmistan’s answer to The Fates.

53:20    R: “My power mullet says otherwise.”

54:54    R: “We’re following the leader, the leader, the leader!”

Stiff ninja time!

55:30    R: SAFE!

59:48    H: George, seriously. Stop stroking the rope. It’s making me uncomfortable.

1:03:20  H: ‘Cause that’s what someone does when shot in the chest with an arrow: Stop, Drop and Roll.

1:03:53  H: Morticia!
R: *blank stare*
H: What? You did an esoteric Peter Pan reference. I can do Addams Family.

1:05:52  H: Oh hey, look That block has handles on it, much like a piece of gym equipment, for no apparent reason.

1:10:00  H: This place reminds me of the Ravenholm level in Half-Life 2. Can Father Grigori please show up and start opening fire on the villagers now?

1:10:44  R: Join us…join us…

1:13:13  Both: BWAAAHH

“If you pause the movie it’s almost like I’m Bruce Lee, right?”

1:13:26  H: Hey, it’s that totally not a piece of gym equipment thing again. But where’s the goat.
R: I bet I know where that goat is.
H: Eck. Do I know you?

1:14:00  H: It wouldn’t be a movie fight if the mob didn’t attack the protagonist one by one.

1:18:29  R: If our neighbors walked by our window right now this soundtrack would sound REALLY inappropriate.

1:20:21  H: Aw now. Things are about to get real. She just stripped down to her Action Pantsuit!

1:22:00  H: His horse is overheating. He really oughta get it to Pep Boys before it blows a head gasket.

1:27:03  H: And so, MacGuyver won Janet Jackson’s heart and saved the aging Columbo’s kingdom from the evil clutches of post-Wham George Michael.
R: …also he apparently invented the Star Wars Early Warning defense system while he was at it.
H: We really should make a movie based on that plot.
R: It would have to be better than the crap we just watched.

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