“Smokin! Causes… cancer.”
The Scoop: 2005 PG, directed by Lawrence Guterman and starring Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming and Traylor Howard
Tagline: The next generation of mischief
Summary Capsule: Nordic mask invades suburbia, cartoonist uses it for good, dog for evil, and the most nightmare-inducing baby thing is born to terrorize us all.
Justin’s rating: 10th level? Is there a 10th level of Hell? If there is, this movie should be playing at that cinema.
Justin’s review: Welcome to the 242nd weekly meeting of the Sane Peoples Club. I see we have a couple new members, great, and Marge made her excellent fruit punch. On to the first topic of the evening: movie babies that achieve unnatural life and motion through the questionable “miracle” of CGI technology. Can we have a motion that these sorts of things are now, and forever shall be, incredibly unnerving, creepy and not at all amusing? Seconded? All those in favor, say “Aye.” Great, the “ayes” have it. Now, let’s tackle that pesky Middle East peace issue.
It took $84 million to bring Son of the Mask to life, an amount of currency that should make you rock back on your heels and wonder you are the last true human on earth, and everyone else is engaged in a vast conspiracy to play practical jokes and pretend as if they were for real. $84 million. Can you imagine the charities that would benefit from that amount? Scientific research that could have been advanced? My own wallet, which might have been lined? But no, in a world where $3 gets me an excellent cup of coffee and a muffin at Dunkin Donuts, all $84 million buys is a handful of washed-up actors, cartoonish effects, and one of the freakiest hell-spawned baby creations that Hollywood’s ever managed to cook up.
And does anyone even still remember and/or care about the original The Mask? Jim Carrey? Swing dancing? Cameron Diaz in her “breakout” role? Seeing as how all that happened back in 1994, I’m guessing that it’s not quite as relevant in your life today as it once was. It took all of Jim Carrey’s talents to turn an unfunny concept – a Nordic mask that turned the wearer into a living embodiment of a Looney Tunes character – into something mildly watchable. But Jamie Kennedy? Sorry man, I know your mom loves you and all that, but you are no Jim Carrey. You’re barely a Jamie Kennedy, at that.
Because someone obviously cared enough to continue the gripping tale of a mask gone wild, we are treated, at gunpoint, to the ongoing saga of a nice family that accidentally gets the mask and then has their life promptly ruined. It turns out that Nordics find date rape to be somewhat amusing, because while Tim (Kennedy) is under the Mask’s thrall, he impregnates his wife with part human sperm, and part Bugs Bunny DNA. The end result is an eyeball-scratching nightmare of a child. It’s kind of like Jar Jar Binks but doesn’t go away for the sequel.
Basically, the movie after that point is scene after scene of garish nonsense, as Tim falls into madness (I can relate), the dog ends up wearing the mask, the baby destroys the house like he’s Cat in the Flippin’ Hat, and Alan Cummings slathers his head with two cans of gel and tries to get through this traumatic experience while thinking happy thoughts about his line of cologne.
It’s pain, it’s tediously manic, and it’s icky enough to be on par with garbage can juice. It should go without mentioning that I, of course, have a framed copy of this movie’s poster in my office at work.
- Oh, Bill Stein… why? WHY?
- The “who’s the fish/turkey/rabid dog” thing was kinda funny
- Who paints their house like that? It’s like Fisher-Price got into real estate.
- The worst musical number in all of cinematic history
- If crying, shrieking babies are your thing, you’re gonna LOVE this film!
- Alan Cummings dressed up as a girl scout. I bet he’s so proud of where his life has led him.
- Jamie Kennedy gets drenched with 6 gallons of piss. I bet he’s so proud of where his life has led him.
- In The Mask, the dog’s name was Milo. In this movie, his name is Otis. This is a reference to The Adventures of Milo and Otis.
- The fictitious city featured in this film is “Fringe City.” The city in the original Mask film was called “Edge City”.
Odin: Now, find that mask, before I open up a can of lightning on you!
Tonya Avery: Do you need anything while I’m out? I’m just gonna go make a baby with the neighbor.
Tim Avery: Who are you?
Loki: I’m Loki, God of Mischief.
Tim Avery: And I’m Tim, God of Crazy-Baby-Land. Can you move please?
Loki: Your son was born of the mask, *my* mask. Where is it?
Tim Avery: Born of the… Oh! So, that’s why he can pee like that.
If you liked this movie, try these:
- The Mask
- Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
- Space Jam