“We’ll become the McDonalds of babies.”

The Scoop: 2004 PG, directed by Bob Clark and starring Jon Voight, Scott Baio & Vanessa Angel

Tagline: Meet the new generation of superheroes

Summary Capsule: Pants-deprived toddlers and Jon Voigt dump a big stinky cinematic load of crap while saving the world.

Sue’s rating: Mea Culpa

Sue’s review: Sometimes in life, you mess up. I mean, really mess up. You let down your friends, you skimp on your obligations, you can’t sleep at night for the wracking guilt that inflames your soul. And there comes a time when you realize that it is not enough to just say you’re sorry. It’s not enough to promise to “do better next time”. No, my friends. Sometimes, you must pay the consequences for your actions – if only so that you can look at yourself in the mirror and not see the words “miserable slacker” written across your forehead by the cosmic sharpie pen of life. You can’t actually read it properly in the mirror anyway, because the words are backwards and stuff, and that’s really confusing.

And so, I confess to you, that I have strayed from the path of proper mutantdom. I have thought only of myself and my aspirations to become a great novelist, to complete NaNoWriMo 2007 and to find an effective treatment for my dog’s dandruff.

I must be punished.

So, in an effort to achieve balance, to make amends and to get Justin to stop being so blasted nice to me when I try to grovel for my misdeeds, I have taken it upon myself to undergo a ritual cleansing of pain and punishment. Like the Klingon Rite of Ascension. Only worse. This is step one.

Which brings us to this movie. Which I watched. In its entirety. Without gouging my eyeballs out, bursting my own eardrums or carving out my spleen in sheer self-defense. Believe me, I wanted to. Oh, how I wanted to!

In essence, there’s this vintage peter pan type kid with no acting talent whatsoever (even though he was played by triplets) who goes around being some kind of paramilitary pint-sized superhero busting the chops (and henchmen) of some sort of child-hating Nazi dude. The lad is, naturally, revered by all those under the age of two. When big bad Nazi guy, Jon Voigt, comes around and tries to take over the world via subliminal messages in a television show about some idiot in an ugly frog suit, it is up to superhero “Kahuna” and the diaper-doodoo-dumpers to save the day.

…

At this moment, I am sitting here, trying to think of the words to express my feelings regarding this movie. I don’t think our obscenity rules will allow me to do so. I can’t really get closer than, “fecal”. Suffice to say that if you watch Superbabies, you have only yourselves to blame. I will not be responsible.

In conclusion, I would like to say this:

Dear Peter Wingfield,

You’re an excellent actor and I personally admire you very much. You have great range, a winning personality, a nice smile and I have admired you from afar for lo these many years. So I say with friendship and sincerity that I weep for you and hope that you were paid handsomely for your sacrifice. This could not have been career enhancing. Best wishes for a complete recovery.

Your friend, Sue

I’m going to go wash my eyes out with acid now. That should make all the badness go away.

Intermission!

• This movie really sucked.
• Why are these kids only wearing diapers? Where are their pants?! Is it supposed to make them look younger or something?! Any younger and they’d be prenatal!
• Goosestepping daycare providers?
• Chachi? Is that you?!
• The Kahuna’s helicopter should have crashed about 27 times.
• The Kahuna’s lair – a cross between the Bat Cave, Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory and a really bad acid trip from the sixties.
• And Methos thought working for Kronos was a dead-end gig?!
• Cameos by Whoopi Goldberg and O-Town
• Does anyone remember O-Town anyway?
• A collection of very small rocks could have written better dialogue.
• A small weevil could have written a better script.
• These kids are going to grow up and have to LIVE with knowing that they were in this thing!
• Superbabies received a negative review from almost every film critic, earning 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Groovy Quotes

Stan Bobbins: We’ll become the McDonalds of babies.
Jean Bobbins: Great, we’ll be known as McBaby.

Tascha: Who the heck are you?
Kahuna: Your worst enemy, a small fry with a big attitude.

Crowe: Don’t you worry, little baby, I’ll feed you, I’ll take care of you, I’ll even change your diaper.
Bill Biscane: I’m warning you, Crowe, I’m Bill Biscane and if you touch my diapers you’re fired.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Baby Geniuses
• Look Who’s Talking
• Professional counseling