“Take my word for it, the first bite’s the worst.”

Justin’s rating: Go out into nature, they said. Fresh air will do you good, they said. Liars.

Justin’s review: Lake Placid. Anaconda. Both gloriously fun creature features from the ’90s. Both kicked off a lengthy franchise of TV movie spinoffs. And both seemingly destined to crash together in an epic crossover that would shake the very foundations of modern cinema to its core.

Or… not?

The thing is, as cool as these horror crossovers sound, they’re almost always a vast disappointment. Freddy vs. Jason thrilled practically no one. Alien vs. Predator was such a letdown that I still don’t speak to that movie and it’s been over two decades. Even Dollman vs. Demonic Toys wasn’t nearly as B-movie amazing as I expected it to be. So let’s ratchet down — way down — any excitement that these franchises, both in their fifth installment, could crank out a timeless classic together. Or even passable entertainment.

We’re back in the northern hemisphere, famously known for our gigantic crocodiles and jungle anacondas. Jim Bickerman (Robert Englund, A Nightmare on Elm Street) helps a sketchy group of scientists kidnap a croc for their Blood Orchid experiments. But things go all Jurassic Park pretty quick, and a mess of reptiles — including a mutated anaconda — flee for a life of freedom and, most likely, mass murder.

I’d say that this is dire news for the residents of nearby Black Lake, but according to the rich lore of this series, this sort of thing happens on a bi-weekly basis. Wildlife officer Tully (Corin Nemec, Parker Lewis himself) and local sheriff Reba (Yancy Butler, Drop Zone) get to clean up this mess. And while the animals snack on the occasional sorority member,* they also take a few minutes to tussle with each other.

I guess no love is lost between crocodiles and anacondas, despite both species being far away from their native habit. I say that they should band together and form a support group. Maybe schedule outings, go bowling together, that sort of thing. Why fight? What’s the point? For them, that is, not the filmmakers, who know that this is all that’s keeping viewers interested. I guess it’s like a truck demolition derby. Everyone could drive properly and safely around the arena, but nobody’s going to watch that.

What angers me about these direct-to-TV sequels is that nobody’s trying to put quality into this. You may scoff, because the originals were as B-movie as they came, but genuine effort was made back then, and it showed. I get that these are much lower budget and Parker Lewis can’t lose, but, c’mon guys, you could try.

Alternatively, you could make vague references to past films, have everyone channel their favorite stereotype, and farm out the creature effects to the cheapest CGI outfit in town. The phrase “practical effects” have no place here, unless you count the bikini budget.

As befits the lineage of this movie, an attempt was made to blend some comedy with the horror. It’s very scattershot but occasionally effective. The only real enjoyment I got out of this film were the random jokes and over-the-top critter encounters. It is sad that we don’t get a snake vs. croc battle until close to the end, but that seems pretty standard for every “vs” movie that plays the audience as chumps.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda has some decent leads, pretty scenery, and campy adventures, but it’s a generic monster movie at its core without anything big to recommend it. In an ideal world, the studio system would’ve thrown huge sacks of money at this and brought back Jon Voight’s half-digested corpse and Bill Pullman for a real crossover.

*This film literally trucks in two carloads of vapid sorority girls for chow time.

Intermission!

• His old habit from his hospital days is to talk to sedated crocs?
• “Pardon me, crossing, watch the gun.” That got a chuckle out of me.
• “The mayor has coupons for free ice cream, everyone!”
• You hope your wanted photo doesn’t make you look fat
• She punches during foreplay? No thank you.
• Big crocodiles don’t like it when you have violent sex on the bed under which they’re hiding
• Why does this lady have a giant semi-see through screen in her office and then do a full clothing change while holding a meeting?
• “I need those baby crococandas alive” she said with a completely straight face
• These are some fat, slovenly hunters
• A swarm of baby crocodiles act like piranha if you’re not careful
• She seems to love pulling body parts out of crocodiles
• How did those two guys stay underwater that long without even snorkels?
• Doesn’t anyone think that these animals might want to eat animals other than humans?
• That was a $200 rope! This is the real tragedy!
• The crocodile jumping on the hood may be the best worst CGI bit I’ve ever seen
• Anacondas can make crocodiles explode if they squeeze hard enough
• That is the flimsiest anti-croc gate in history
• That was the shortest escape drive ever. Maybe don’t scream and start driving offroad right away?
• Punching a croc on the nose will get your body clean bit in half
• Shotguns have a “full clip”
• A snake can tail whip a crocodile in half, why not
• Did that crocodile just throw a snake up into a helicopter? Why not.
• There is a whole lot of posing with guns and a whole lot of not shooting said guns
• The running gag with Ferguson and the radio gets less funny every time they trot it out
• “Later gator.”