“Enjoy seven hours of Hungarians being sad in black and white.”

Justin’s rating: I’m going to dad you all! Get ready! Parental advice incoming!

Justin’s review: Sometimes when you latch onto a creative director, you will see almost anything that he or she makes. Such is the case for me and Joseph Kahn, the gonzo guide for off-the-wall films such as Torque and Detention. Man, Detention was a wild ride. I am not going to shut up about that until you all see it. Seriously.

So yeah, when I found out that Kahn recently made an alien invasion horror-comedy, you best believe that I was going to show up for whatever stylish insanity he wanted to throw my way.

Ick brings Brandon Routh (Dylan Dog) back out of hiding for a tour around a small town that’s been in the very slow process of being invaded by the titular extra-terrestrial goo for a couple decades now, even though everyone seems to overlook it. Routh plays Hank, a once-hotshot football quarterback who lost his girl Staci (Mena Suvari, also brought out of hiding for a bit part here) and the big game on the same day (the latter due to the Ick grabbing his ankle during a play).

As his life meanders into mediocrity — the best he can do is become a science teacher with a leg brace — the mostly ignored alien growth finally starts to become a nuisance and spread beyond the boundaries of Hank’s town of Eastbrook. It’s kind of amusing to see how this town’s tolerated and been only slightly annoyed by the Ick to date, coming up with a raft of conspiracy theories about its origin and purpose.

Anyway, Theory Time is over, because the Ick is now either (a) becoming the ultimate human parasite by controlling people like puppets or (b) just eating and killing the rest. Either way, it’s not going to be a good week for humanity, and Eastbrook is front lines of this long-brewing war.

As the townspeople flame out left and right, it’s up to Hank, his very-possibly-secret daughter Grace (Malina Weissman), and some other genre-savvy teens to save the day… with SCIENCE! And SARCASM!

As I found with Kahn’s previous movies, he’s simultaneously a fascinating and exhausting watch due to the sheer density of stuff happening and the music video-like flourishes he puts into his scenes. I don’t think I’ve ever watched any of his movies in one sitting, because I can do about a half-hour of this before my brain needs me to pause in order to process all of it. That’s not a bad thing; I actually thought a lot about Ick during these breaks, even though it’s a pretty basic slimy alien invasion on par with The Blob.

The Ick itself works well as a horror threat because it’s so invasive and vague. All we know is that it does leave its hosts with some of their original personality and memories, it spawns a whole lot of no-good tentacles, and it isn’t a fan of UV light.

And yeah, you can enjoy Ick for the surface-level visceral horror of steaming black death tentacles finally launching a delayed invasion. Or you can try to plumb the depths of some confusing themes that waft through this movie. I get the redemption arc for Hank, whom everyone thinks is a loser but is actually a good guy with a latest case of bravery and a possible promotion to fatherhood.

But Kahn is also trying to say something about the current vapid teen culture and political discourse, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out what that message is. I was similarly confused by the same thing in Detention, so either he’s being satirical (very possible) or he lost the thread and, look, another tentacle monster (also possible). Or maybe he’s just reminiscing hard about the early 2000s, right down to the banger soundtrack from that era.

One thing I did pick up on is how every character offers up strong opinions on the Ick that aren’t born from anything other than rumor and guesswork and misinformation. Maybe that’s some sort of commentary on how little we tend to know about anything yet always try to set ourselves up as some kind of armchair authority.

It’s a gooey, cringy, and sometimes unexpectedly funny farce — and it’s definitely not meant to be taken seriously. Brandon Routh is quite good as a flawed hero trying his best, and seeing him bang his head against an apathetic town that seems intent on ignoring the ongoing threat is oddly relatable. The Ick is the alien invasion B-movie for a new generation that doesn’t really care about it… at least, until it does.

Intermission!

• 2000-era MP3 player: “It holds ten songs! I put all my favorites on it.”
• You can see the alien goo in the locker room shower right at the start
• Watching The Blob on TV, that’s some foreshadowing
• “Lick Me” on the girl’s eyelids
• “I’m 1/64th Cherokee with receipts”
• The wildly inappropriate things that the PA announcer is saying in the background is worth a few scene rewatches
• “You girls smoking?” “No.” (they inhale)
• When it comes to hugging trees, ask the tree. Consent first, then hug. Thanks for that, Cancel Club!
• “Yes parents, tell me more about me.”
• “Stop nice-fighting!”
• Obviously, “Stacy’s Mom” was going to get played in this movie
• Don’t lick the Ick, even if you’re challenged to do it
• The Ick just ate a cat, dude
• Nice fade from the Exile sign to the girl drinking a beer
• “Behold, the Ancient One!”
• Colonialism guy needs to pipe down
• TENTACLE COW… explodes
• Harry Potter has cool zombies?
• “Nothing means nothing”
• “Personally, I don’t see gender, but if I did, I would worship women.” “That doesn’t make any sense.”
• Don’t cry Ick, nobody’s going to save you a second time
• Shop smart, shop SMAL-MART!
• “Uh yeah, you should definitely cancel prom.”
• “What do you mean there’s no Nobel Prize for super-obvious shit we figured out from day one?”
• “You will gain tentacle powers!”
• “Suckle upon me! SUCKLE!”
• Not the birds and the bees, the wasp and the tarantula.
• “I’m not some dudebro’s fugitive chromosome!”
• “Are you dadding me right now?”
• Kids today don’t know who Creed is
• “Quick thinking, Doctor Science!”
• “From a world of many, we all become Ick. It can fix anything.”
• This is one creepy prom DJ
• Love the UV suit, Hank! And no, it’s not an EDM outfit!
• “Nope. So much nope.”
• Love that he nails that throw
• “It’s a capuchin!” “A capu-what?”