“If you go any faster we’re gonna travel back in time.”

Justin’s rating: This may be the one and only instance of a threatening bad guy named “Milo”

Justin’s review: I’m sure we all have a shameful list of neglected “I know I should’ve watched that a long time ago” movies, and until now, The Last Boy Scout was one of these for me. I’m a big fan of Shane Black (who wrote and produced this), and seeing Bruce Willis in his action prime should be a no-brainer. But for whatever reason — perhaps because I’d always heard that this movie pushed out more F-bombs than the Mars company does M&Ms — this was on my backburner.

After a disastrous NFL game that involves PCP and handguns on the field, subtle clues emerge that something corrupt may be afoot. Joe Hallenbeck (Willis), a grizzled private eye and former Secret Service agent, takes on a side case guarding a young Halle Berry that ends up getting connected to disgraced former quarterback Jimmy Dix (Damon Wayans), and from there into a much wider conspiracy. It’s a dumb conspiracy, but it gives us some villains we want to see taken down, so that’s fine.

The Last Boy Scout isn’t treading any new territory. If anything, Shane Black pulled out his script to Lethal Weapon, made a few judicial changes, and passed it off as a new film. But it’s really the same brand of seedy crime thriller starring two stubborn investigators who are at odds with each other but also best buds. There’s even a car bomb for old time’s sake.

Sure, 1991 wasn’t the ’80s, but there’s an argument to be made that the prior decade bled over a year or two. And The Last Boy Scout definitely is far more at home as a final remnant of ’80s action swagger than the new guard of the ’90s. Director Tony Scott mainlined machismo in Top Gun, and he happily does so here. The guys are rude and crude, the women cheaters and liars, the villains murder in the most over-the-top fashion, and the world full of cigarettes and bad booze. Everyone spits out tough-sounding lines, and double-fisting pistols is a way of life.

Only in this movie does a car land in a swimming pool and then explode and then gets riddled with bullets. Or a bad guy gets punched and shot off a ledge and then get diced by helicopter rotors.

The Last Boy Scout always been a divisive film. Fans love the quotes, posturing, and blunt action. Critics are repelled by a strong streak of meanness and crudity that’s hard to overlook. Nobody’s really going to go to bat for this film as a work of art, but as a mindless guilty pleasure? Sure, yeah, I could see that for some.

Willis and Wayans have good banter and believable action chops, both of which work well for this sort of tale. They’re guys who make a pact to see this through to the end, and by golly, you wish them the best for muscling through a lot of human scum. And the lead scum was the sleazy mailman from Better Off Dead, which takes us across the full acting range.

I wish I could share similar praise to the silly hats that Wayans wears, but my little white lies have boundaries. And I wish that I didn’t have to sit through a little kid swearing like a sailor for no good reason. It’s probably the most disturbing thing in this entire film.

That scene with the girl is indicative of the attitude of The Last Boy Scout. It’s clever, it’s funny, but it’s trying way too hard to be macho-edgy when it really doesn’t have to be. I love a lot of Shane Black’s stuff, and I can attest that he’s walked the line better than he does here. Allegedly, he was working out some angst over a recent breakup, and you can totally tell, because no other movie tries to sell “I want to spit in your face” as a romantic line.

For lack of a better analogy, The Last Boy Scout’s script sounds like a bunch of jocks in a locker room trying to out-tough each other instead of being quietly confident.

Overall, I think I may barely fall more on the “like” than “hate” side of the debate surrounding this film, and it’s mostly about Bruce Willis. This was the height of his action career, but instead of letting muscles talk for him, he let his motor mouth run wild. This is as much a film noir as anything else, and Willis exceeds in that territory (as he did in Sin City). He’s too stubborn and clever to roll over for the bad guys, and that’s why he wins in the end.

Intermission!

• This is one dark and rainy football game. I love that everyone’s having fun slipping and sliding around, though.
• PCP and pro football doesn’t mix, who would’ve thought?
• Aww, Bruce Willis snuggling with a dead squirrel!
• “Truth is a beautiful thing.”
• “I was lonely!” “Buy a dog.”
• Might as well exchange jokes if you’re going to be executed
• $650 pants should come with a TV in them
• “I knocked out four of his teeth.”
• Fast-forward eats the tape
• “We’re being beat up by the inventor of Scrabble!”
• “Nothing happened to my face, it’s always like this.”
• That daughter is a piece of work
• Time for depressing confessions!
• Assault and attempted murder right in the middle of rush hour, and nobody calls the police or intervenes
• Someone firing a pistol right past my face in a car would not be my friend afterward
• “If ya touch me again, I’ll kill ya.”
• “Told ya.”
• Yes, let’s take a teenage girl on a stakeout. Great idea.
• That’s one deadly stuffie
• “He set my pool on fire, the man is a lunatic.”
• “Son, we’re going to a ball game.”
• One bullet can set three guys on fire all at once
• Does the play count if a horse takes out the quarterback?
• That is one VERY thoroughly killed bad guy