“It’s maggots like you that make me like my job!”

Justin’s rating: And why isn’t he riding a motorcycle in California, I ask you?

Justin’s review: When we reference scifi tropes found in ’80s movies, we’re quick to pull out things like robots, time travel, wildly useful computers, cyborgs, more robots, and transforming cars. What tends to get overlooked are death rays. Yup, death rays. So many movies featured these, from Return of the Jedi to Blue Monkey to No Time to Die to Real Genius. You probably thought I’d never be able to pull those four movies into the same sentence, but that’s the level of mastery I’ve achieved in movie reviewing.

Movies were really into zapping things with big rays of deadly energy in the ’80s, which is why we will keep surprise completely off our faces as we go through the laser-saturated tale of Light Blast.

I guess the question is, if you had a giant van-mounted death laser, what would you do with it? I mean, it’d be a shame if you didn’t “test” it on some random public utilities. And it’d be regrettable if you didn’t leverage your mighty weapon for some easy ransom money by threatening an entire city. That’s the thinking of the diabolical Dr. Yuri, who couldn’t for the life of him come up with anything less ridiculous and complicated.

Fortunately for freedom-loving people everywhere, Erik Estrada leaps into this Italian movie as a man who has no tolerance for death rays and those who would melt people all willy-nilly. Estrada plays Ronn Warren, a swarthy bit of masculinity and high-caliber excitement.

Unfortunately for entertainment-loving viewers everywhere, Light Blast has enough special effects budget for a mere two (2) blasts, both of which happen in the first 20 minutes and then never again. While it’s cool to see people melting like Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark, that jettisons our scifi tech for this run and replaces it with a pretty standard Action Cop outing.

That’s a shame, as it ushers us into a world where some middle-aged bad guy with a mustache, glasses, and I’m guessing gout manages to recruit a small army of minions to run around waving weapons and fighting cops. And Estrada is more than happy to meet this challenge, because it gives him ample opportunity to play discount Grand Theft Auto in Frisco.

So while we might not be getting any more of those sweet, sweet laser blasts, we do get a whole lot of car stunts, people firing guns in what might mildly be labeled an unsafe manner, and so many gigantic fireballs. The bad guy might have a death ray, but Erik Estrada has a reckless disregard for the law, physics, and the Geneva Convention. That’s pretty even odds in my book.

The unhinged, forward-momentum attitude of this film makes it a whole lot more watchable than it has any right to be. It’s a city-wide chase with the attitude of James Bond but the budget of Jaws 4. There are a ton of people getting shot and melted, and they often look incredibly surprised — to our amusement — when it keeps happening. And whenever stuntmen aren’t getting horribly maimed, Estrada is personally executing a couple dozen bad guys and politely asking people if they’ll carpool him to the next cross-town chase.

Light Blast is a ridiculous trip where everything — science, logic, motive, police procedure — is played loosey and goosey from start too finish. There’s also an odd fascination with mid-80s technology that made me tack on another “why?” on top of the ones I already brought out to play. It’s silly and fun for what it is. I just wish that it had about 700% more face melting. Is that too much to ask?

Intermission!

• This movie is so daring that it gives you the credits one letter at a time
• Railway depots are an attractive spot for teens to hook up
• ACT OF LASER VIOLENCE AGAINST A CLOCK
• The bloodthirsty old lady is my absolute favorite character: “KILL HIM!”
• Hostage takers are really concerned about getting their lunch from a completely naked server… or an Erik Estrada
• Cooked turkeys are perfect for hiding guns
• I dig the evil doctor’s visor. Eye safety is important for Laser Blasts!
• ANOTHER CLOCK BITES THE DUST
• People evacuating the bleachers in the least safe ways possible, including over the sides
• These stunts look so unsafe
• “We’re faced with a new and dramatic problem, governor.”
• $10 million dollars? That seems doable in 1985.
• Warren has no compunction against jumping in people’s cars for a quick lift
• Morgue nurses are ready to mess you up for trespassing
• Ben’s hat is about four sizes too big for him. It’s so distracting.
• ’80s digital watches were so cool
• “Blow it up bigger” was the original “zoom and enhance”
• Detective interview music montage!
• She gets shot in both shoulders and dies instantly?
• Keep a propane tank in your trunk next to a loaded pistol and shotgun… for convenience
• He’s more powerful than GOD now? Because he owns a death ray?
• Heavy bulldozer vs car. Where’s your trunk propane now?
• Oh, there it is
• Would you like to be burned to death or get shot? When it’s up to Erik Estrada, you can have both!
• Now he’s driving a bus and trading it up for a dune buggy