“Tell your dead parents I said, ‘what’s up?'”

Justin’s rating: There will be butt jokes. There will not be any actual dignity.

Justin’s review: In the great genre of sports movies, there’s a weird little subset that involves absurd comedies concerning obscure sports that are taken as seriously as the big leagues. In here, you’ll find your Dodgeballs, your Sumo Do Sumo Don’ts, your Spikers, and your Balls of Fury.

Having not seen the movie or read any description of this film — Scout’s honor, I promise — here’s my attempt to write a full synopsis based on the movie poster and title alone. Sideburns McDorky is a chubby loser who’s really into table tennis but is bad at it, other than his over-zealous attitude. After suffering a crippling defeat in a tournament, he comes under the tutelage of Chinese Walken, whose whole schtick is being a wacky over-the-top mentor with a lot of goofy sayings. McDorky gets much better at ping-pong, defeats his nemesis, and picks up an improbable girlfriend in the process. Oh, and there will be at least 12 puns referencing “balls.”

OK! Time to hit play on this movie and see how well I did!

After a disastrous appearance at the ’88 Olympics where talented table tennis player Randy Daytona (Dan Fogler, Fantastic Beasts) loses his match against his German foe and loses his dad (Robert Patrick, wasted cameo) to some loan sharks, he slums it for a couple decades doing party tricks. But now the FBI want Randy back in action to help them infiltrate an underground tournament coincidentally hosted by the guy who killed his dad.

Randy enters into local tournaments to get the precious “gold paddle” invitation, but 19 years out of the circuit has made him rusty. So yeah, he needs some training, and that’s only going to happen with the help of legendary character actor James Hong (I’m going to pick, uh, Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise), a blind restaurant owner with a lucky cricket and the extremely feisty Maggie Q as a niece.

Can we pause and give some due respect to James Hong? This dude’s been in over 600 movies from the 1950s to the 2020s, and despite getting stereotyped right into the same sort of “wise Chinese mentor” roles absolutely crushes it most of the time. His comedic delivery and timing makes him a joy to watch, and he was definitely the highlight of Balls of Fury as he torments Randy through levels of training hell.

Another great addition to the cast is George Lopez, who plays the FBI agent handling Randy. But in a brilliant little twist, he isn’t that great of an agent — he’s McDorky himself — and his assignment is just a backup plan to the other, bigger cases that his coworkers are handling.

Think of Balls of Fury as any of hundreds of martial arts tournament movies… just with ping-pong. It’s all played for absurdity, right down to Christopher Walken as a fussy evil weirdo masterminding the whole secret tournament. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Walken go this far out into loosey goosey comedy before, affecting all sorts of quirky mannerisms and saying “Okey dokey artichokey!” with all sincerity.

This isn’t subtle or intelligent comedy, This is a guy blowing his nose into money and then giving it to you while going, “Here’s your money, but it’s covered in SNOT!” and that’s still pretty funny. It’s James Hong deadpanning the crap out of ridiculous lines. It’s Christopher Walken giving directions to the bathroom. It’s wall-to-wall comedy cameos nailing ludicrous bits. And it’s a pudgy guy trying to win his way to the top while listening to Def Leppard.

While I may not have nailed the full summary, it goes to show that Balls of Fury had a surprise or two that you won’t see coming. It was way funnier and more enjoyable than I anticipated, and I think if you’re into martial arts movies, you’ll get even more out of it.

Intermission!

• Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I miss that cereal!
• His dad is the T-1000? Cool!
• “Tiny balls bouncing for gold.”
• I do not need to see this much of Dan Fogler’s thighs
• “Until the paramedics showed up, I was laughing my ass off.”
• It’s not Sulu. The FBI checked it out.
• Randy’s got issues with that fern
• “They sold air rights… to a cemetery?”
• Table Tennis Regionals and Pancake Breakfast
• The Hammer has a hard time getting through that banner
• Patton Oswalt licking that small trophy was pretty dang funny
• “And you use Lady’s Speedstick.” “It was on sale.”
• “Bring only your strength, your honor, and a check for $300.”
• Don’t take the cricket from his hand! It’s his lucky cricket!
• “You squished lucky cricket?”
• “You not hit flies, you hit bees!”
• “Want to pop off a few rounds? Makes me feel better.”
• Eddie Did This
• The Dragon is a little girl with a Dora shirt
• “Remember, you suck when you are nervous.”
• The cheering parade ending in a dumpster throw is mixed signals
• You have to keep the blind guy in the loop when a whole bunch of stuff happens in an alley and nobody’s explaining it
• Hey it’s Community’s Jim Rash with a little bit of hair!
• OK, everyone being ushered past the private plane to a tour bus for transportation was inspired misdirection
• “Tell me, does he still dress as if he shops at Elton John’s garage sale?”
• “You golden boy who couldn’t even bronze.” Ouch.
• Randy’s faces trying to decide about courtesans and then being saddled with Gary (Diedrich Bader)
• Boggle is the best for bonding
• Sudden death tournaments are exactly what they say on the label
• Terry Crews really does love flexing his pecs, doesn’t he?
• Bullet time ping-pong, why not. The Matrix was only eight years old at this point.
• Don’t jump out of a paper window without checking to see if there are heavy metal bars behind them
• Don’t keep a panda if you don’t know what they eat
• “You suck.” “Hey, c’mon, that stings. Who said that?”
• “They’re limited edition replicas!”
• “I’m gonna save the panda… panda’s dead.”