“I need a favor… I need you to die.”

Josh’s review: It’s a good thing they went ahead and filmed Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business at the same time as the previous TV movie, because if there was any kind of gap between them, it would have given the financiers time to realize their mistake and pull funds. Something that gives me pleasure in my darkest times is the fanciful thought that in another universe these non-JCVD sequels don’t exist.

The third film picks up right where the second one leaves off. Veronica, essentially the main character of these movies, and Luc, a mannequin who can talk (kinda), have made their way to the city to meet an old journalist contact. They intend to pass information in an attempt to uncover the secret government UniSol project. UH-OH, a hostage situation breaks out at the party where the meeting takes place, and Luc springs into action. From there, the audience is treated to more of the same from Brothers in Arms, and it is equally forgettable.

Man, this movie makes less sense than the first. The dead hostage takers become fodder for the UniSol project, now fully run by Burt Reynolds as The Mentor. Because they don’t have access to any other bodies? They must not, because one of their side hustles is cloning and the accelerated growth of said clones like the Kaminoans from the Star Wars prequels. This makes the taking of what is very important evidence in a super high profile violent crime for use as soldiers very f-ing stupid. Why take them if they have the ability to clone? Not that I condone it, but wouldn’t it be easier to abduct and kill prostitutes for use as soldiers if you can just pump them full of growth hormones and “muscle enhancers?” You know, if you can’t grown clones in a couple days. If the object is to just make a bunch of money by selling soldiers to terrorist organizations wouldn’t you make WAYYYY more money with your cloning tech? You could grow people their own replacement kidneys or other organs for transplant. You could be Barbara Streisand’s primary supplier of clone puppies.

Chandra West is back as Veronica, and once again she outshines every other actor save Jeff Wincott (Eric), though he has a disappointingly small amount of screen time. Bringing Eric back as an evil clone is a much more interesting plot than the one this movie has which I have forgotten no less than 12 hours after watching. Burt Reynolds takes on the main villain role after Gary Busey’s exit/death in the last film. He is devoid of charisma, and his hair looks stiff and fake. I briefly considered that his mustache may also be a wig. Every bit of dialog is uninspired and what little fighting there is in the film is just as stiff and boring as the last.

There was an about face in regards to the music in this one. I didn’t hear one angsty alternative acoustic jam, but that doesn’t mean the music was any good. I did get a laugh out of one song, “Trash,” that seemed to describe both it and the movie. Not gone and not forgotten is the excessive use of slow-motion that, once again, does nothing but add length where none was requested.

I’m sorry if this review is hard to read. I genuinely don’t take pleasure in bad-mouthing someone’s accomplishments even if it appears that way. This movie really is not great and there is nothing of real interest that is worth the slog. It’s at this midway point through the franchise that I am wondering how it was so easy for Justin to convince me that this was a good idea! Please, please do yourself a favor and skip this movie.

Justin’s rating: Hi-tech eye pieces can’t save this film

Justin’s review: The Universal Soldier franchise may be fairly unique in the B-movie space for the fact that the films generally got better as they went along rather than worse. But if you’re guzzling all six down, one after the other, you’ve got to wade through some pretty awful stuff up front.

Continuing from the previous TV movie/pilot episode, Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business picks up the dull threads and takes us unwillingly forward into this world. Luc and Veronica try to expose the Universal Soldier program, Luc’s brother Eric is cloned to become an attack assassin, there’s a weak Die Hard situation in a hotel convention center, and Burt Reynolds* picks up the most humiliating paycheck of his life for taking phone calls behind a desk while trying to speak with an Irish accent. There’s also a vague plan to steal reparation gold being paid to Holocaust survivors, but that ultimately matters not at all.

Military clichés will be said. Dutch angles will be abused so greatly that the film stock will stand sideways at times. Luc will repeatedly take a tiny pistol into battle against assault rifle-toting soldiers. Burt Reynold’s hairpiece will remind me of a LEGO accessory.

That’s pretty much it. There’s so little story here and so little action that every scene has to be milked for runtime lest 95% of this film be the cast sitting around a picnic table at the park for the after party. Matt Battaglia is so monotonous and stiff that you have zero problem buying that he used to be a corpse. It’s a lot harder to swallow that he’s a noble hero learning what it is to be human again.

All of this unwanted feet-dragging gave me far too much time to think about what, exactly, is the appeal behind this concept. The UniSols aren’t that interesting — personality-wise, they’re extremely uninteresting — and only boast light scifi elements such as fast healing, increased strength, a tendency to overheat, and the ability to get “killed” over and over so that they can come back again. Zombie troops should be far more fascinating, but nope, three films in and I can say that I’ve yet to be convinced this is possible.

What’s slightly amusing to me is how I kept getting lulled into believing that this was a normal safe-for-kids network TV episode… until some character would spit out an f-bomb or toss a knife through someone’s neck. It’s not consistently R-rated, is what I’m saying.

Suffice to say, these TV movies did not trigger a long-running and beloved scifi franchise the way that Emmerich’s Stargate managed to accomplish. They were paved over and buried by the actual sequels that we’ll talk about soon, but it hasn’t stopped Tubi and other streaming services from trying to sneak these abominations into our algorithms.

*Filming this right around the time of Boogie Nights, believe it or not.

Intermission!

• Adolf Hitler spotted in the first few minutes
• Also, a BILLION dollar settlement for World War II 50 years later?
• Floating clone baby has a huge ol’ noggin
• Random hotel bar massacre feels like the most pointless thing ever
• “W W W dot geek.”
• “What’s she doing in Canada?” “Diversifying.”
• The terrorist goes from $100M demand to $110M in the same sentence
• Why would the cops assume that Veronica is a terrorist after watching her obviously reading a ransom demand under duress?
• He’s described as a “real life comic book superhero.” OK.
• You should always build a booby-trapped fire room in case your UniSols get out of hand
• That is one comically burned down farmhouse
• “Need cold” is something I often am caught saying too
• The first female UniSol of the series
• Guys with one arms make the best lovers, apparently. Thanks for stuffing that in my brain, movie.
• “Thanks for the hand.”
• Why did this man climb up the elevator shaft and where the hell is he coming down from with this chain? Who designed this building?
• Is Burt doing an Irish accent?
• Oh boy, we have a Boba Fett situation here.
• Man, I want Eric to win so bad. No one with a turtleneck should win a fight.
• Why am I seeing so many confederate flags? This is made in Canada right?
• Buns Count: 0 😦