“What is it with you boys and your toys?”

Justin’s rating: “But can we include a scene where strippers get into an all-out nude brawl?” you can imagine a movie exec saying.

Justin’s review: Quick — name another movie franchise that went straight into TV movies for its first two sequels (with all-new actors), then returned to movie theaters for its fourth film (with the original actors). I’m not saying it’s never happened elsewhere in history, but I can’t think of any place other than Universal Soldier where it did.

So yeah, in 1999 a true theatrical sequel was conceived — now handled by TriStar — which completely ignored the two Canadian made-for-TV entries that happened the year prior. Jean-Claude Van Damme’s career was starting to derail from his ’90s highs, so a sequel to one of his beloved hits probably looked good to the Muscles from Brussels.

Universal Soldier: The Return is not a fan favorite (it bombed pretty hard on release), but it’s fair to say that it’s light years better than the Canadian flicks. For starters, it boasted a budget comparable to the first film and kicks off with a pretty fun “training” sequence involving speed boats zipping through a swamp. JCVD even acts more likable and charismatic (he’s got a daughter now, so cue your “frozen sperm” joke), as his character’s embraced his humanity after a stint being dead and then brought back as a zombie with a gun.

I also like how there’s an attempt to make a sequel of the UniSol project. The new and improved “UniSol 2500” boasts stronger and faster soldiers, all led by a temperamental AI named SETH. They’ve even got a WWE wrestler on the payroll (Bill Goldberg). But all goes wrong when the military wants to shut down this program and SETH goes, “Nuh UH, no way!” Cue a UniSol uprising and SETH getting his own body in the form of Michael Jai White (Spawn).

SETH takes over the UniSol facility with a whole bunch of people inside, and it’s up to Luc (Van Damme), an inferior UniSol, to save the day in this Die Hard scenario. And because this is the late ’90s, there’s ham-handed hacker lingo and weird AI stuff that comes across with the authenticity of someone’s uncle who may have heard of a computer at one point but hadn’t yet managed to log into AOL. Some day, he hopes.

While there’s certainly a lot more gunfights and chases and explosions than we got in the second and third films combined, it comes with so much cheese that you’ll be constipated for a week after watching this. This is a film that looks with envy at B-movies while being, at best, a K-movie.

There does seem to be a contest going on among the cast to see who can overact and be hated by the audience. Will it be the perpetually angry TV reporter (slash love interest)? What about the immature blue-haired hacker who eats ramen with a giant wooden spoon? The speechifying SETH? The WWE guy who’s a living cartoon? I’d even accept a nomination of the computer screens that spell out everything that’s happening in condescending English.

It’s weird to see how the UniSols, Luc included, are far more emotive and normal this time around. They also ditched the iconic eyepiece of the original film for sporty yellow sunglasses that scream a lucrative product placement with Oakley. Oh, and they made sure to load up every firefight with nu-metal. This was 1999, after all.

None of it is good, and if you try to defend this movie in person, I guarantee that you won’t be able to make eye contact with your debate opponent. But at the very least, it’s a whole lot of stunts and giant guns and hilariously dumb story beats. Stuff keeps happening pretty consistently, and nobody’s trying to teach Luc how to hug a teddy bear or kiss a girl.

If I had seen this right after the first movie, I might be a little more critical of it, but the guy speaking to you right now is one who had to suffer through three hours of largely action-free Universal Soldier sequel talking and road tripping. So, you know what? I’ll take doofy hackers and stripper fights and smirking wrestlers. I just won’t be proud of it.

Josh’s review: Awwww yeahhhhhh, here we go! I’ve been drinking Mountain Lightning for months, and now it’s back to the full-throttle taste of pure Mountain Dew. I can’t wait to taste that chemical cocktail on my parched charcoal brick of a tongue. Here we go… Okay… I remembered this tasting a lot better. Maybe give it a few more sips… Hmm… This is not great. I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now that I don’t know how to process.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is back! And it is anything but a triumphant return. In the fourth film of the Universal Soldier franchise, they decided to completely ignore the middle children Brothers in Arms and Unfinished Business, abandoning them as a combo pack in the five-dollar DVD bin at Walmart. Universal Soldier: The Return picks up years after the original and finds Luc, played by Van Damme, working for the revamped UniSol project whose aim seems to be using dead soldiers to reduce the risks to the ones who are alive. The literal brain of the project is SETH, an artificial intelligence that runs the show. When the government decides to shut the program down due to lack of funds, SETH goes rogue and uses the UniSols to take over the facility. Next stop, the world.

In my review for the original Universal Soldier, I mentioned one of the opening scenes was like Goldeneye, with the dam and everything. This one opens with a watercraft chase scene just as cheesy as the one in The World is Not Enough. I guess we were just craving boat chases in 1999? The aesthetics in this movie are exactly what I picture as the cusp of the millennium when I close my eyes. From the glasses the UniSols wear and the guns they carry to the shape and proportions of the numerous fake breasts featured, this movie screams “1999.”

From the start, you can tell this one has a larger budget, about $45 million. The movie does look better and has more star power, relatively speaking, but it proves that more money does not equal better movie. In fact, this movie bombed spectacularly, losing about $35M. It’s not much of a surprise, because the last few Van Damme films to make the theater weren’t able to recoup their budget let alone make money. It looks like this one pressed the gas pedal on his decline into the world of low-budget straight-to-video action films.

Jean-Claude Van Damme does have more appeal than Matt Battaglia and is certainly a better play fighter, but the mistake they made in this movie was casting Michael Jai White as the organic vessel for SETH. White is in better shape, a better fighter, and more entertaining to watch than anyone else in this movie. It’s disappointing that he isn’t in more of it. I found myself wishing they just did a Luc-free sequel with White as the titular Universal Soldier. I also wondered why we never had a Blade movie starring Michael Jai White. At least he was in this one more than the original one where he had about 15 seconds of screen time.

Another “fighter” in The Return is professional wrestler Bill Goldberg as a new UniSol with the ironic name of Romeo. Known for his professional wrestling career and certainly not for his acting chops, the filmmakers chose him for his physical prowess because his jokes don’t land at all. Romeo is the second-tier boss next to SETH, and he is constantly putting his body on the line in pursuit of Deveraux. Once again, I am confused by the resilience of these fully organic forms. Romeo has his head slammed through solid cinderblock walls, he jumps from a 40-foot roof and slams into concrete, and he is run over by a truck all without accumulating any damage. All of the Universal Soldier movies are rated R, but this one feels the most PG-13 aside from strip club scene.

Someone tell my why Luc needs to have a kid? The man was dead. They don’t even bother connecting the kid to the love interest from the first movie, who is seriously similar to the love interest in this movie, another street-wise reporter. The kid also gets no mention in the following two movies. Her plot line is to get knocked out and kidnapped, forcing Luc to save the day, which he was going to do anyway. Like this entire movie, the kid was unnecessary.

Universal Soldier: The Return is another entry in the Universal Soldier franchise that missed the mark. This is such a great idea for a film series but no one seems to be able to harness the power and turn it into something worth watching. I think it is time to burn it all down and start again. Netflix and Amazon, this is a property you could reboot and churn out pretty quickly. Have at it.

Intermission!

• This was the last widely released theatrical film JCVD did until 2012
• Standing in a T-pose looks tiring
• Speed boats do not do balding people any favors
• You know it’s a turn-of-the-century action flick when nu-metal strikes up on the soundtrack
• Dang, that is one big gun
• “Anamolie” in 25-point font there
• Hey, it’s literally brain surgery! Kind of gross, too.
• SETH is emotionally color-coded for your convenience
• UniSols are fun to ride down stairs like sleds
• Why would this facility also have giant tanks of chemical weapons?
• Haha they blow up the news reporter
• Romeo is burning, huh. Good thing his suit has built-in fire extinguishers(?)
• Always nice of companies to have a dumpster full of fluff for roof leaping
• Dads need about a half-second to ponder whether their kid is safe before dismissing that thought for the next action sequence
• This was back when we were worried that AI would give us endless Picard speeches
• In 1999, you had to go to strip clubs to access the internet. Obviously.
• This would happen in a room with a girl dancing on a pole, two sex phone workers, and some computers.
• “Oh, the info chick!”
• “Give me the code or I’ll kill you.” “You can’t kill me, I’ve got the code.” what
• Industrial sized dryers can be a lot of fun for bad guys to ride
• Has a security guard ever said “Excuse me, visiting hours are over” in a movie and NOT immediately been killed for it?
• Romeo half-stripping down for no good reason at the start of a fight. Did you know he’s got muscles? He would like you to see them.
• “Next stop, intensive CARE!”
• Dude, don’t put DOWN the giant gun after you shoot the main bad guy precisely one (1) time
• If you’re getting frozen, use your final seconds to strike a cool fighting pose
• These guns look like they are from Doom or Duke Nukem.
• Goldberg just went through a cinderblock wall with no damage. Wasn’t that a joke in the first one?
• “Woman Expendable.” The Universal Soldier motto.
• What the hell is this truck with massive piles of shredded paper not in bags? Why is there no cover on it and why are the keys just in it? Is this not a top secret military facility?
• Why did Romeo have to remove his shirt to fight this security guard? Probably in Goldberg’s contract.
• I love that Maggie is turned into a UniSol at the tail end of this movie just to get taken out with one shot.
• Why are there just barrels of flammable liquid in this computer lab? Is this a Streets of Rage level?
• Oh good, Romeo went back for his shirt.
• I assumed that when SETH was destroyed the UniSols became inactive?
• Buns Count: 0 – Egregious Fake Breasts Count: 10+
• This isn’t related to this film specifically, but I came across this video game ad promo from 2025 and thought it was interesting to share how the Universal Soldier franchise continues to endure in some weird way: