“Let’s tune our weapons!”

Justin’s rating: Tritonz 4 Lyfe!

Justin’s review: If you’re a strangely diverse hair metal band in the mid-80s that’s looking for distraction-free focus in order to record “10 minutes of music,” where do you go? Obviously, the only answer is “a haunted farmhouse in rural Toronto,” because that’s where the real music scene is happening. And also because (presumably) this was the director’s mother’s home and they could shoot there for free.

At the confluence of bad acting and weird demon puppets is this Canadian horror flop which asks, “Why do subtle, gradually building foreboding when you can get gung-ho hammy right from the start?”

So yeah, there’s no real tension as this large cast of rockers and various groupies (as well as one weenie manager) freely move into this haunted house for a full month. It’s plenty of warm bodies for the demons to knock off over the next 90 minutes. How do they do this? Via quick cutaways, because there’s no way you’ll believe that these rather stiff puppets could take out a toddler, nevermind a good baker’s dozen of full-grown adults and their bushy, bushy hair.

I actually dig the wide variety of bizarre demon puppets here, which range from genuinely cute to horrifying in a cute way. They have the ability to assume human forms, mostly for comedic misunderstandings. I dig less the humans, who are lumpy and off-putting, including our lead star Jon Mikl Thor. Honestly, a guy this stiff doesn’t deserve a name as cool as that.

Everyone dies and nobody in this hosue is concerned whatsoever that the population’s gone from 20 to, like, four in the space of a day. This unwarranted wave of homicides brings the Tritonz* in conflict with the forces of hell, eventually culminating in a showdown with Satan. Or Satan’s body double. Maybe his intern, Todd? Anyway, let’s not get derailed, because this is rock ‘n’ roll vs. Satan! I don’t know which moral panic side to take! Where are my pearls, for I must clutch them!

It gets even more confounding when Thor eventually is revealed to be an angel named THE INTERCESSOR who is inexplicably slumming it as a rock star. Oh, and he made up all of the other characters as illusions to trap the demons. So most of this movie was his really bizarre imagination and indulgence to sing with a pretend band and make out with his pretend girlfriend.

It’s not as if this third act bizarre plot twist ruins a cinematic masterpiece. I’m fairly sure that this entire movie was shot with first-takes-only. You stumble over your line? Deliver a flat reading? Accidentally stare at the camera? Talk over your co-star? Pause for a full 10 seconds to allow someone else to react to you? That’s a wrap, baby, move on!

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare lacks any genuine scares but is great loads of ooey, gooey, cheesy fun instead, especially if you stick it out beyond the slow first half. It’s just dorky and silly and awkward from start to finish in the way that Canada seemed to perfect in the ’80s. After all, where else will you get the worst hair metal band in the world grappling with demons from hell? Move over, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park!

Enjoy lots of scenes of various band members snacking on their significant others’ faces. Tremble in fear at the number of full-length mumbled rock songs by Thor that permeate the soundtrack! Learn that extended sex montages can be exceedingly boring! And count down the seconds until the next demon puppet shows up, because you’ll be excited when more of these clumsy idiots are eaten or whatever demons do with them off-camera.

This right here is a terrible movie that’s almost impossible not to have an amazing time viewing. Throw on your metal studded leather jacket, flash the horns, and turn the dial to 11 — it’s time to rock out at rock bottom!

*With a name like that, they should’ve disbanded on the second day of practice.

Intermission!

• This was also titled The Edge of Hell
• Kids really should be more worried about monsters in the oven than under their beds
• I hope you enjoy very long scenes of a van driving down the road to a vague rock song, ’cause you’re going to get that here
• “What are we supposed to do here?” “Rehearse, lame brain!”
• No hot tubs and no Dynasty — they’re roughing it!
• It’s Alice Cooper, not Alice Blooper
• “Get a load of the child bride!”
• The one “British” member sticks out so much here
• Kitchen clean-dancing!
• “You get me excited when you’re so forceful, lover.”
• Things to say when a half-naked girl is kissing you: “How about them Mets, huh?”
• Girl comes into your room? Subtly knock your porno mag off the bed
• “As usual, I’m the best! I’ll be back, I’m going to go shake the monkey! Drain the dragon!”
• Stop doing Arnold impressions, man
• How many groupies does this rock band deserve? Not this many, that’s for certain.
• “I’m sure Phil’s not dead, he would’ve called!”
• “Let’s rock one for the newlyweds!”
• Nothing like having TWO different musical soundtracks playing at the same time to make your ears suffer
• Montage sex lasts foreeeeeever
• Random peeping tom kid with the goofiest of soundtrack themes
• Wait, what happened to all those groupies before? Seriously, what happened to them?
• It’s so wonderfully sad that the band’s dining table is actually a coffee table that requires them to sit on the floor when they eat.
• ANGRY FRIDGE CHICKEN MONSTER!
• The demons make such weird noises
• The demon girl being utterly flummoxed that the van is back is a hilarious moment
• Satan has a hard time closing his mouth. Blame his puppeteer.
• Some demons like to sport little knives, others like to… smoke cigarettes?
• Thor really knows all of Satan’s names
• Angelic transformations come with a backlight and a hair blowout and a spiky codpiece
• Satan’s secret move is to wing evil starfish at his foes. Thor’s secret move is to hug the starfish and pretend they hurt.
• Believe it or not, there was a sequel released in 2005!