“Well, it beats a six-year-old’s birthday party.”

Drake’s rating: Trains and a magician? This sounds like a seven-year-old’s birthday party.

Drake’s review: The story is that Terror Train was pitched as “Halloween on a train!” and that sounds more than likely. After all, John Carpenter’s surprise hit brought in piles of cash on a very meager budget, which is a dream scenario for any producer, from backyard indie right up to Hollywood mogul.

But seeing it done and doing it yourself are two entirely different things, as the producers of Terror Train found out when their little flick failed to bring in the bucks. In fact, considering the sizable advertising budget that 20th Century Fox put into promoting it, Terror Train may only have broken even.

Which is a real shame, because this is one fun little slasher.

Shot in Canada to take advantage of those sweet, sweet tax credits, Terror Train certainly shares some cinematic DNA with Halloween, but it would be a disservice to call it nothing more than a clone of Carpenter’s film. In fact, Terror Train has some nifty twists and turns that make it stand out, even from the large pack of slasher flicks that were pouring into the theaters in the early ‘80s.

For one thing, the characters are all wearing costumes! Which, OK, Halloween had some costumes as well since it was Halloween after all, but Terror Train takes place on New Year’s Eve, which is a totally different holiday and one not generally celebrated while wearing a monk’s habit or a witch’s black dress.

And it also takes place on a train, but I’m sure you all have figured that out already.

Ringing in 1980 in admittedly Halloween-y attire are the members of several fraternities and sororities from good ol’ UMU,* and one of their wealthier members has sprung for a train ride over the holiday. They gather at the station and right away we know that Terror Train is on the right track** because…

Well, you know how too many horror movies, and slashers in particular, often have the “funny” character? The one who tells bad jokes that the other characters are forced to laugh at because, behind the scenes, they’re really struggling actors who don’t want to get fired? Well, Terror Train has one of those “funny” guys and, because the killer in this one has some sympathy for the audience, he’s the first victim who’s left bleeding and dying as his college friends look on and laugh at his supposed antics.

And then for good measure the slasher rolls him onto the tracks right before the train departs the station. Terror Train’s resident funny guy will not be making a late-film reappearance.

Score one for the mysterious slasher, who also had the foresight to steal the funny guy’s costume so they could move around the train unnoticed! But I can hear you asking, just who might this slasher be? And why, outside of the obvious reasons of general misanthropic behavior, is the slasher targeting frat boys? Well, the answer to that just might lie in the film’s prologue.

Exactly three years earlier, at another New Year’s Eve frat party, an unfortunate pledge named Kenny Hampson was the victim of a misguided prank gone wrong engineered by a pre-med student known as Doc (Hart Bochner, Breaking Away), who was aided and abetted by a sorority girl named Alana (Jamie Lee Curtis, Trading Places as well as a half-dozen Halloweens). Now considering how slasher movie villains are often either such victims or their grieving-but-homicidal relatives, it just might be the case that poor Kenny is either the man behind the mask of the ill-fated funny guy or at least the reason behind all the killings to come.

Granted, it takes our inebriated college crowd awhile to figure out that there even is a killer on board the train, but to be fair this slasher is a wily sort and not only covers their tracks but changes costumes with the victims as well. That makes them pretty hard to track down even when the suspicions do begin to mount.

Terror Train is an entertaining little slasher that has a lot going for it. The cast is surprisingly good, with several Canadian actors filling out the bulk of the cast and veteran actor Ben Johnson (Ruckus) providing a welcome presence as the train conductor who is the first to stumble onto the murders. It’s also a well-directed slasher, taking advantage of the setting to make the scenes feel claustrophobic as the murders mount, and more expansive during the scenes where the college kids gather to watch the magic show.

Yes, there’s a magician in the movie, and he’s played by David Copperfield. With that information in hand you’re either tracking down Terror Train right now, or you’re scratching it off of your watch list with a permanent marker.

And I’m not gonna tell you what to do here, but if you go with the former you just might find yourself having a bit of fun with an entertaining slasher from the golden age of the genre. Heavy on the body count but surprisingly light on the gore, Terror Train might have missed out on having an audience back in 1980, but you can still punch your ticket today and take a ride on this killer choo-choo.

*Unnamed Movie University

**Sorry

Intermission!

• This was the directorial debut for Roger Spottiswoode, who had previously worked as an editor for Walter Hill and Sam Peckinpah. Fortunately for him, Terror Train’s failure at the box office didn’t curtail his career. Unfortunately for audiences, that meant that he was able to go on to direct the legendarily bad Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.
• The producers rented a steam locomotive for Terror Train, and that adds a distinct feel to the movie that would have been hard to replicate with a more modern engine.
• No, you’re not seeing things. That is indeed the Canadian-born actress and musician Vanity boarding the train alongside Curtis & company. As all listeners of the Mutant Matinee know, she also co-starred in Al’s favorite new martial arts movie find, The Last Dragon.