“You’re being a bad loser.”

Drake’s rating: Two flying knees and a rapid elbow smash

Drake’s review: In the Mutant Matinee episode on martial arts, I mentioned studying both karate and kung-fu for a few years when I was younger. Now that’s important to this particular review since, while I don’t have Flinthart’s extensive martial arts background, I was decent enough at it to have some fun and learn how to throw a variety of punches and kicks without looking too ridiculous.* And in the years** since, it’s also been a source of personal entertainment to watch a karate flick here and a kung-fun flick there and spot some familiar moves and maneuvers, and to think to myself, “Hey, I know what that person is doing!”

Then I watched Tony Jaa in Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior, and realized that I know nothing.

Nothing.

Because watching Tony Jaa flip, jump, and leap across the screen is like seeing a martial arts movie for the very first time. Anything and everything you might expect to see a human being do gets turnedon its head, and you can only watch, jaw hanging open in amazement, as Jaa spins himself effortlessly through the air throwing knees and elbows, landing with barely a hair out of place. And then, a split-second later, he’s in the air again and you’re left wondering just what he’s going to do next.

There’s a great chase scene in Ong-Bak that sees our hero Ting (Jaa) on the run through the streets of Bangkok from a score or so of ruffians. This is a fantastic showcase for Jaa’s impressive athleticism as he bounds over carts, slides under a truck while doing the splits and dives through a circle of barbed wire coincidentally being carried across the street by two workers. It’s an obvious homage to the work of men like Buster Keaton and Jackie Chan, but it’s also a brilliant sequence that shines a spotlight on Jaa’s unique talents in an entertaining way.

But of course Ong-Bak is a martial arts flick, so we get fight scenes as well. And again, these scenes take advantage of Jaa’s impressive abilities, as Ting dispatches opponent after opponent with flying kicks, roundhouse punches, and devastating elbows, all part of Thailand’s homegrown Muay Thai martial art.

Jaa and stunt coordinator Panna Rittikrai go all out for these sequences, with Ting besting one opponent after another as he makes his way through Bangkok on a quest to retrieve a Buddha head stolen from his village. And Ting really has no interest in fighting. He’s intent on becoming a monk and only wants to retrieve the head so that he can finish his training and meditate in peace.

However, in the big bad city Ting finds himself up against criminals who have no time for monks, whether they’re proficient in Muay Thai or not. He finds some help in the form of Humlae, a man from his village who left years ago, but Humlae himself is mixed up in shady dealings and isn’t exactly the reliable sort. Still, Ting doesn’t have much choice if he wants to get the Buddha head back, since he’s a fish out of water on the streets of Bangkok.

And that’s about all that I want to say about this movie. If you’re at all interested in martial arts flicks or good old-fashioned action movies that rely on stupendous stunt sequences rather than computer generated effects, then I cannot recommend Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior enough. It is one heck of a roller coaster ride from beginning to end, featuring displays of martial arts and acrobatics by Tony Jaa at the top of his game. In this, he forced his way into the movie scene as a future international superstar.

And if all of that isn’t enough, there’s also a tuk tuk chase! C’mon, you know you have to see that!

*Citation needed but conspicuously absent.

**Decades.

Shalen’s rating: Four out of five giant Buddha heads.

Shalen’s review: This could very well be the best martial arts movie I’ve ever seen.

The genre has a rich history in cinema, from the doomed magnetism of Bruce Lee through the manic, inspired antics of Jackie Chan and the quieter showmanship of Jet Li. There are better and worse films from all of these artists, and there are of course scores of imitators, some better and some worse. This is not even considering, say, the earlier Japanese television shows like Red Shadow and the numerous Hattori Hanso series.

So Ong Bak has some very large shoes to fill. And it does that well. It has a way to go toward plot and setting; there’s nothing here to rival the gorgeousness of Crouching Tiger or Once Upon a Time in China films. There’s barely a plot, and the dialogue is for the most part terribly bad. Of course, our version is translated from Thai via very poor subtitles, although for me personally this tends to heighten rather than detract from the entertainment value of the experience. For example, a better translation might have removed the fact that one character is variously referred to as “Hum Lai,” “George,” and “Dirty Balls.” Ouch.

But these aren’t the real reasons for watching this movie.

Most martial arts films focus on Karate, Jujitsu, or the apparently most camera-friendly of martial arts, Kung Fu.* Not so with Ong Bak. This film was made in Thailand, the dialogue is almost all in Thai, and the martial art on display is Muay Thai. Muay Thai is not like the other styles I mention, and you will know exactly what I mean when you have seen Tony Jaa elbow-drop on someone’s head starting from a standing jump several yards away. Elbows and knees are an important part of Muay Thai, giving it a slightly jerky striking-cobra look all its own.

After having seen this film maybe three or four times now, I still can barely believe no wires were used, but the DVD features show Mr. Jaa repeating some of his film stunts live. He seems literally able to leap more than his own height vertically, he’s insanely flexible, and many of his moves appear to defy the laws of physics. Olympic gymnasts can’t do some of the things he does. It’s impossible to watch without awe.

This is good, because the main plot involves a villain in a wheelchair who speaks through a voder, collects the heads of statues of deities, and (MILD SPOILER) is eventually crushed to death by a giant, smiling Buddha head.

Go back and read that sentence again.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing. Plenty of other things in this movie translate just fine, like the hooker with a heart of gold, the tournament featuring people from various countries with prominent single characteristics,** and the large groups of thugs that tend to attack one or two at a time. (“Hey! Where did THAT guy come from?”) Apparently there was a limited number of stunt men, because some of the same ones are reused with different wigs on, too.

Tony Jaa, the star of the piece, doesn’t have tremendously impressive acting skills. I’d put him around the same level as Jet Li, wherein he has mastered the “grim” and “surprised” facial expressions but is some way off from Jackie Chan’s “Aiee! We’re gonna die!” look. This doesn’t really matter. He doesn’t need to act for me to buy every single one of his movies. He just has to keep bouncing off the walls and inflicting pain and suffering upon large groups of hapless henchmen, and I’ll be happy.

This film wasn’t heavily promoted in the United States. I heard of it through some martial artist friends of my sister’s. This is a real shame, because Ong Bak really is an absolute must-see for the fan of martial arts cinema.*** Hopefully with the advent of Mr. Jaa’s second film, The Protector, this one will become more widely available on DVD. Either way, if you’re a genre fan, it’s absolutely worth your money.

*Of course, saying “Kung Fu” is sort of like saying “ballroom dancing,” given the number of schools and styles that exist under that umbrella, but an ignorant Western spectator like myself is never going to know them all.
**Such as the surly Australian who gets his face galloped upon by the mustang (see quotes section). Given this and The Protector’s attitude toward Australians, I’m starting to think that the Thai people feel about them roughly as the Chinese feel about the colonial English.
***Or the fan of seeing lots of people get hit in the head with the Flying Elbow of Justice. I know I’m one.

Intermission!

• Starting off with a bunch of Thai stuntmen earning their pay racing to the top of a giant tree.
• Ting accidentally walks into a fight and then ends it with one spectacular kick.
• The bar fight feels like one of those 1990s fight-based video games, with escalating difficulty as each new opponent steps up. That’s honestly perfect for this movie.
• Never bring a refrigerator to a Thai boxing match.
• A tuk tuk chase! This is just so good.
• If you have to smoke thru a hole in your neck, maybe stop smoking.
• Feet of flaming fury!
• Ting breaks a motorcycle helmet into three pieces with his knee. Really too bad for the guy still wearing it.
• Dropping his sword and running. That’s the smartest guy in the room.
• Note to urban baddies: never, never mess with the naïve yet wiry small-town rube. You will get your butt handed to you every single time.
• Jeez, that girl’s voice could cut glass. Nails on a chalk board, I tell you.
• Gee, that’s a… really unfortunate nickname, Hum Lai…
• Drugs are bad for us, you say?
• Funny how many street thugs use archaic weaponry and know martial arts. Apparently they train a lot in between pimping and smoking crack.
• Everyone should have a hobby, but maybe he should have started with collecting stamps.
• Never espouse atheism while standing next to a large, tippy idol.
• Best chase scene ever.
• Don has a poster for the movie Spy Game in his apartment. [Thanks Star Opal!]