“Take that! Take this! Take that, you green slime!”

Justin’s rating: Very bad. Not good. Not good. So sayeth the robot.

Justin’s review: At this point, I don’t think I’m allowed to die, as my bucket list of “must see” movies demands at least the next 300 years of attention. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a sprint to get through all of the notable, famous, and infamous titles that I’ve never seen — titles like Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards.

Coming out the same year as Star Wars (and briefly using the voice talent of Mark Hamill!), Wizards was Bakshi’s first foray into animated fantasy prior to doing The Lord of the Rings. It came from an odd place, mixing Bakshi’s perspective on fascism, propaganda, Israel, and the Holocaust. Also, Nazis! Because you definitely need to work in a swastika or two into a PG cartoon that kids would go see.

Two million years after a nuclear holocaust, the world’s split into the good side and bad, with the good featuring dwarves, elves, and faeries (our ancestors, we are told) and the evil breeding mutants. Each side is led by one twin wizard: Avatar’s the good magician who makes animals pop out of hats and the like. His brother Blackwolf would prefer to torture them.

Blackwolf discovers Third Reich propaganda reels (that survived two million years?) and starts building up a huge technological war machine to take over the world. Only a small ragtag group of sassy rebels stand a chance of stopping him by destroying the projector before the mutant army with its tanks and bombs and guns overrun the good guys with their bows and axes.

Yes, this may be technically PG, but it’s the PG of the ’70s, which means that there isn’t any hardcore coupling. But do we get mutant prostitutes, people being chopped in half, gallons of blood, and a lead character whose entire ensemble is a single strand of sheer silk? This is Ralph Bakshi, so yes we do.

Avatar leads the crew on this mission. It includes a converted robot called Peace, an angry elf soldier named Weehawk, and a wannabe faerie named Elinor who is allergic to clothing, I assume, because she is invites us to ogle Bakshi’s obvious fetish every time she’s on screen.

Wizards’ greatest strength is a fairly unique post-apocalyptic fantasy setting. The locations are gorgeous, weird, twisted, and incredibly detailed. This is not Tolkeinesque fantasy, but the fantasy of the 1970s informed by LSD and trippy psychedelic culture that was just getting into D&D and the like.

So it’s definitely not something you’ve seen a hundred times before… or even once. No, Wizards is its own weird unique thing that’s as subjective of a taste as they come. You may love the oddity of this world or be at a loss at the trippy soundtrack, faerie nudity, meandering plot, and dorky humor.

While I appreciated the originality on display, the ham-handed message and the general Ralph Bakshiness of it all didn’t win me over to this movie’s cause. The animation is pretty decent, but then there’s a big chunk of rotoscoping — Wizards had a budget shortfall, and this was Bakshi’s solution. So this ended up being something I could respect but not really enjoy in the end.

Intermission!

• Originally called War Wizards, George Lucas asked Bakshi to change it so that it wouldn’t get confused with his indie art flick
• Hey the world blew up! That’s a bummer. Two million years of nuclear winter.
• Dwarves and elves are our ancestors
• Bad wizards like to torture animals. Of course.
• About time we had mutant prostitutes in our PG movie
• The laser blasts sound like Star Wars’ blasters
• Oh this lounge lizard soundtrack will not do for this film. It will not do at all.
• Dang, lots of people getting flat-out murdered in this movie
• DANG ARROW THROUGH THE MOUNT’S EYE BLOOD EVERYWHERE
• Faeries do not believe in excessive clothing or bra support
• Poor Fritz, twice over
• Hey kids, there’s Hitler in this movie! In this cartoon movie!
• Guess those faeries flew right into a World War I trench movie
• The dwarf’s pipe has a face. I think it’s alive.
• Wait, how is he projecting onto the sky all around these people?
• Jewish dwarf prayers include spanking? And a crucifix?
• Mark Hamill as the leader of the faeries… and now he’s dead.