“What is this? Some kinda comic book? We got robots, we got cave men, we got kung fu!”

Justin’s rating: I ain’t in this for your rebellion, sweetheart

Justin’s review: At first glance, Eliminators looks exactly like a modern parody of an over-the-top ’80s action/scifi romp. Except, you see, it actually did come out in the ’80s under the supervision of Empire Films. I’ve been trying to track down a copy of this for a while now, all while dreading that my anticipation of its awesomeness would be let down by the actual presentation.

You may have a tough day job, but that’s nothing like Mandroid (Patrick Reynolds), a crashed pilot who got turned into a cyborg minion for an evil scientist named Reeves (Roy Dotrice, perhaps best-known as the coach from The Cutting Edge) and sent on time-traveling missions to gather objects for his master.

Deemed obsolete and ripe for the scrap pile after like one mission, Mandroid jumps into his “mobile unit” (ungainly tank treads) and makes a break for freedom. With incredible armor, questionable mobility, and an arm that can be outfitted with lasers, invisible grappling hook, knockout gas, torpedoes, magnets, and a rocket launcher, Mandroid proves to be a hard minion to stop.

Of course, you’d think that a Mexican jungle would prove to be the final undoing for a tank dude, but hey, he’s got legs too. And he also makes friends with a next generation scientist named Col. Hunter (Denise Crosby, Trekkies) who comes equipped with her own flying scout robot. Probably for the action figure playset. Also joining our hero squad is Harry (Andrew Pine, Grizzly), a roguish river boat captain who is most definitely based on Han Salo, and Kuji (Conan Lee, Gymkata), the ninja son of Mandroid’s old scientist buddy.*

After a long river road trip, the team makes it their mission to return to Reeves’ lab and stop the mad scientist once and for all. They find out that Reeves has transformed himself into an even better cyborg, one kitted out with Roman armor and determined to go back in time and rule the ancient empire. That can’t be allowed, so a battle for the past begins.

This Charles Band-produced flick may not have Industrial Light and Magic at its disposal or Spielberg at the helm, but this crew made a whole lot out of its frugal budget. Mandroid’s design is particularly well-done, as he sports the ability to replace parts and look like a respectable second cousin to Robocop (even if this came out a year before that film).

One gets the sense that the creators were a bunch of geeks who wanted to cram everything they thought was cool into the same movie. Cyborgs? Ninja? Time travel? Cavemen? Boat chases? Robots? Cocky pirates? Murdercycles? Electrical grappling hooks? Roman centurions? Sure, let’s do all of that and even more! “We don’t say ‘no’ to any fun idea” is the official motto of this flick.

Eliminators is every bit as terrific as I hoped and then some. It’s an absolute shame that this got no real traction in the ’80s, because I would’ve loved to have enlisted this into my scifi roster growing up. Nothing’s A-list material, but a solid B? Oh yeah, it’s definitely that. I was grooving on all of this from start to finish, from the scifi gadgets to the quippy dialogue to seeing Tasha Yar as a pretty great lead in her own right.

This deserves to be a cult classic, and perhaps it will be one day as more people clue into one of the best ’80s B-movies that was ever made.

*OK, there are a LOT of scientists in this movie. Don’t get hung up on it.

Intermission!

• Eliminators had the biggest theatrical release of any Empire film, showing on 993 screens
• Harry was originally going to be played by Empire staple Tim Thomerson
• Does this movie start in WWII? What is up with that plane? And now we’re in Rome?
• Bad guys can give themselves dialysis I guess
• Mandroid’s mobile unit looks like it might tip over on those stairs
• Really good sniper rifles have THREE scopes on them
• Mandroid is a transformer! Of sorts!
• That is the biggest poncho I’ve ever seen
• He gets a memory upgrade! 64 KB of memory, probably
• Roman soldiers don’t fare so well against a laser-flinging cyborg. Go figure.
• Mandoid’s arm is like a Swiss army knife of cool gadgets. I’d give my right arm for one.
• “You’re the one who’ll need body work!”
• SCOUT gets a camo upgrade
• Riverboat captains are just looking for an excuse to get into an all-out scrap in a bar
• A boat named No Questions
• Where did he get an arm torpedo from?
• Girls who can make robots and fix boat engines are HOT
• “Shut up and drive.” “You got it, big guy.”
• QVO VADIS is Italian for “we kick ass”
• I don’t think I’d swim in full pants, but Tasha Yar does Tasha Yar
• Did they run out of a budget for a grappling hook animation?
• Electrical grappling hook looks as painful as it is practical
• Mexico still has primitive cave-people lounging about
• “Wouldn’t have gotten a free smooch!”
• Boot jets turn any raft into a speed boat!
• “This is some weird ass science fiction thing, right?” “Right.”
• The motorcycle battle is pretty amazing
• There’s the stealthy approach, and there’s the “stand in front of the gate and bellow for the bad guy to let you in” approach
• “You may fire when ready” OK Grand Moff Tarkin
• “Prepare to meet your maker!”
• Haha he got sent back to 45 million BC