“Feel my whip, you son of a b—h!”

Justin’s rating: When it comes to turkey, dark meat > white meat

Justin’s review: If you find yourself watching Poltergeist and saying wistfully, “You know what would make this movie perfect? Toltec sorcerer zombies and a dude with a whip who’s not named Indiana or Jones!” then you’re probably in the room all by yourself, because your family and friends have left a long time ago. But you’re also in luck, because The Dark Power exists and is yours for the plucking.

When an Indian burial ground is incredibly slowly incensed by the construction, completion, and occupation of a suburbian home on top of it, the college coeds living there find that a “dark power” is sending the living dead to their door like political pollsters.

I mean, you’d think that the dead would be so bored and lonely that they’d be happy for some company. Maybe they would show up with a six-pack and Settlers of Catan. But no, it’s all “munch on your skin” this and “suck the juice out of your eyeballs” that with these guys.

Since the teenagers hanging out at this ground zero for Toltec tremors are ineffective as an anti-zombie task force, the role of hero falls to Lash LaRue’s Ranger Girard. LaRue was a popular cowboy actor in the 40s and 50s who staked his entire career on his talent with a bullwhip. And why not? A cowboy with a whip set him apart from the lasso crowd.

So when the filmmakers of an ’80s supernatural horror flick looked for a hero, somehow they dug up LaRue at the age of 68 and got his whip back in action. And it’s a good thing they did, because this whip-happy mumbling ranger is the only thing that made this movie memorable.

In this corner, we’ve got a bunch of Indian zombies powered by evil and sleep hangovers, and in the other corner, we’ve got an aging cowboy who can’t stop using, showing, and talking about his whip. I’ve never wanted to own a whip until this movie. Now it’s all I dream about owning. That’s going to be hard to explain to the family this Christmas season.

The four girls and the racist’s girl’s incredibly sleazy brother find themselves dealing with an infestation of zombies. And despite having the numerical superiority and great workout outfits, they’d be overrun if it wasn’t for a ranger and his astounding magical whip. ALL HAIL THE WHIP!

The brother, Craig, is scientifically engineered to be one of the most offensive and annoying characters. He insults everyone, leers at all the girls, barges into their bathroom, and paints the largest “KILL ME FIRST” target I’ve ever seen. The scene I really wanted to see was Craig’s mother showing up to whap him across the head with her purse and drag him home for a time out.

Craig probably bugs me so much because it does take a long time — 47 minutes into an 80-minute flick — before any of the Toltec zombies show up (knocking at the front door, even). They’ve got some great designs and freaky outfits, looking like a hair metal band rampaging through the place with hatchets and ritual daggers. I love how different they feel from your average zombie, what with their weapons and more spirited movement. They’re kind of a coordinated gang of themed killers, and I really wanted to know more of their stories.

After the teenagers get pared down to a manageable handful — including a college kid who gets his face pulled apart like Silly Putty — Lash LaRue comes into late Act 3 to whip like he’s never whipped before. But then one of the zombies gets a whip of his own, and they have a genuine old-fashioned whip-off.

Listen, this isn’t a good movie. But it is quite entertaining to watch in the way that a lot of these scrappy little ’80s horror movies were. Nothing’s particularly scary, the teens are memorable for all the wrong reasons, and there’s just enough what-the-what weirdness (and whippiness) to shake up your expectations. It’s kind of amazing in its own unique, one-film genre.

Intermission!

• That insane opening crawl: Toltecs… sorcerers burying themselves in the ground… power spots… four exclamation points
• Bedpost eagles are best eagles
• Whole lotta people filming some dude dying in bed, that’s not weird at all
• The soundtrack is suggesting that Jaws is on land
• That is the wimpiest bow-and-arrow toy, that boy should be ashamed
• Four cute doggies is a terrifying sight for some reason
• “You know about my whip?”
• Whips are great at getting people’s attention
• Suddenly this movie goes into an extended advertisement for this rather boring house
• The laundry room comes stuffed with Indian artifacts
• Workout outfits peaked in the ’80s
• “God worked long and hard to put you together!”
• Elvira and Blues Brothers posters, no wonder why the dead are irritated
• We really don’t see enough actors flossing right into the camera
• Random surprise shot of a girl taking a bubble bath while drinking beer
• Shoving Craig’s head in the toilet is a fine moment indeed
• All the thrilling fun of toilet repair in IMAX glory!
• Little kid decides that the middle of the night is the best time to go joy riding in his dad’s truck
• Zombies knock politely when they rise from the dead
• Throwing empty pop cans at zombies does nothing, go figure
• So many people get shot with arrows
• If you get shot through the arm, you can pull the arrow out and show no ill effects afterward
• Did he just pull off that guy’s hand and then his face? He’s got issues, man.
• Dual hatchet zombie is best zombie, I think you’ll agree
• The zombie accidentally tomahawking his pal is pretty funny
• Zombies like drinking beer like the rest of us
• “We don’t have renter’s insurance yet!”
• The xylophone is the most underrated horror movie instrument
• Yes, let’s bring all the silverware into the bedroom where the mattress is on the floor
• Zombies don’t like loud noises…?
• About dang time Lash showed up!
• Zombies are pacified by TV
• I could watch these two guys aimlessly whip at each other for hours
• He whips off his hand!